A busy man forgot to file his income tax return until a few days after the deadline.
“I just forgot,” he wrote. “I have no excuse. I am enclosing an additional five percent for the fine.”
He received an official letter from the government asking would he be good enough to fill out and return the enclosed form, stating his reasons for his delinquency, and have it notarized.
“No excuse,” he wrote back. “Have paid fine.”
A few days later he received a letter: “No excuse,” it said, “is not an excuse. Please file notarized affidavit testifying that you had no excuse.”
A good way to construct a speech is to use the outline which has been described as a Negro preacher’s secret. The Negro was asked how he preached a sermon. He replied: “First I tell ‘em what I’m going to tell ‘em. Then I tells ‘em. Then I tell ‘em what I done tol’ ‘em.”
In Macy’s famous basement, a home economics expert was demonstrating a then new type of electric egg cooker.
The demonstrator showed the onlookers how a teaspoon of water was deposited in the cooker for each minute the egg was to cook. She placed three teaspoons of water in the cooker and – when the water was gone – out came a perfect three-minute egg.
Her demonstration concluded, she started to pack her equipment, when a little gray-haired old lady tapped her timidly on the arm and asked:
“Excuse me, but did I understand you to say that for each minute you want the egg to boil, you just put in one teaspoon of water?”
The demonstrator assured her this was correct.
“I see,” said the little lady. Now, is that level or heaping?”
An Arkansas hillbilly built a house for his wife in which he fashioned windows but no doors.
“Where are the doors?” asked the bride.
He drew himself up to his full height and replied: “Doors? Are you going somewhere?”
A Falling Out
Man’s teeth and hair are his best friends. But even the best of friends fall out.
A young married woman, knowing her husband would be tired from working so hard during the day, met him at the door with a cheerful and friendly greeting.
“I’m happy you’re home, dear,” she chirped. “I’ve got a lot of things I want to talk to you about.”
“Glad to hear it,” he grunted. “Usually you want to talk to me about a lot of things you haven’t got.”
A distinguished Bostonian, stopping off in Salt Lake City on his way to the Pacific coast, made the acquaintance of a little Latter-day Saint girl.
“I’m from Boston,” he said to her. “I suppose you know where Boston is?”
“Oh, yes, I do,” answered the little girl eagerly. “Our Sunday School has a missionary there.”
A floorwalker, tired of his job, gave it up and joined the police force. Several months later a friend asked him how he liked being a policeman. “Well,” he replied, “the pay and the hours are good, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”
If a man makes a stupid mistake, men say: “What a fool that man is.”
If a woman makes a stupid mistake, men say: “What fools women are!”
“Yes,” said the mountain climber, “I always keep a rope tied around my waist. It has saved my life more than once.”
“But,” said the listener,” it must be awful to be left hanging from a rope. Don’t you feel nervous?”
“Well, not exactly,” came the reply, “just highly strung.”
Two men were talking.
“I’m a man of few words,” said one.
“I’m married, too,” said the other.
The Straight of It
Two salesmen were conversing.
“Do you know that Max went to Boston, went to the Acme store, made a deal, and made ten thousand dollars?” asked one of the men.
“Listen,” said the other. “To begin with, it wasn’t max. it was Sam. It wasn’t Boston, it was Pittsburgh. It wasn’t the Acme store, it was the Emporium. And he didn’t make ten thousand dollars. He lost it. And besides, it was I who told it to you yesterday.”
With an Accent
A salesman buttonholed Ivan Popnikoff.
“I’ve got a great invention,” he said. “A dictaphone. Saves you the trouble and expense of a stenographer. You talk into it, push a button, and immediately you hear yourself talk back.”
“Always some phony, new-fangled invention. Positival couldn’t be no good – absolutel couldn’t be no good,” said Popnikoff.
“Wait a minute!” insisted the salesman. “Go into the other room and try it. Talk into it and have it talk right back to you.”
He took it into the other room to try it. He talked into the dictaphone and it talked back to him. Out he rushed.
“It no good,” he said. “It spicks wid a dialect.”
First Lawyer – “As soon as I realized it was crooked business I got out of it.”
Second Lawyer — “How much?”
A young boy was asked by his neighbor whether he would like to go to the ball game. “Go and ask your father, Bill,” said the neighbor.
“Nope,” said Bill. “I’ll have to ask Mom. Dad says she wears the ‘can’ts’ in our family.”
A man was once asked the difference between a mirror and a woman.
“A woman speaks without reflecting, and a mirror reflects without speaking,” he replied.
A lady interrupted him by asking, “And does the gentleman know what the difference is between himself and the same mirror?”
He could not answer.
“Well, the mirror is ‘polished’ and the gentleman is not.”