“My brother is living in Ireland, and says he’s delighted.”
“Delighted at living in Ireland?”
“No! Delighted to be living!”
Father: “No, my son, I don’t know the Latin for ‘people.’”
Mother: “Johnny! How dare you accuse your father of lying?”
“Danny was looking at a picture of the Prophet Elijah ascending to heaven in a chariot of fire,” relates the Mulvane News. “When he saw the halo about Elijah’s head he cried, “Oh, look, mamma, he’s carrying an extra tire.”
“What is the difference between a missile and a missive?”
“A missive is sent before marriage.”
“Papa, are little boys made of dust?”
Papa (trying to study): “I hardly think so, Johnny. They never dry up.”
The sweet young thing had tried the music teacher’s patience to the breaking point. “Do you know,” he said, “your playing of this sonata reminds me of Mme. Carreni.”
“Yes?” said the girl.
“Certainly,” answered the teacher. “You both use your hands.”
For three strenuous hours the auctioneer had tried to work his listeners up to the proper pitch of enthusiasm.
But either the weather or their lunch had disagreed with them, and they simply wouldn’t be aroused. The sale was one of horses, and lot after lot went for very poor prices. At last a sad and sorry animal was led into the ring.
“Now, gentlemen,” shouted the auctioneer, “what offers for this lot? Will somebody start the bidding?”
There was a pause. Then a voice slowly from somewhere in the middle of the crowd: “Two dollars?” it said.
“Gentlemen, gentlemen!” protested the auctioneer tearfully. “The horse is alive!”
Love’s Labor Lost
Father: “This thrashing I’m going to give you will hurt me more than it will you, Johnny.”
Youthful Offender: “Well, don’t be too rough on yourself, pop. I ain’t worth it.”
What Did She Mean?
“While I was taking my singing lessons today the goldfish jumped out of the bowl and lay gasping on the carpet.”
“Poor thing, it must have been trying to escape.”
An Enthusiastic Audience
Actress: “Did they call you before the curtain?”
Actor: “Call me? They dared me.”
“Of course, I don’t know,” began the sarcastic boarder, “but it strikes me this chicken –”
“Now, what’s the matter with the chicken?” interrupted the landlady.
“Oh, nothing,” answered the lodger, “only it is evidently the offspring of a hard-boiled egg.”
“What sort of people are Bill’s ancestors?”
“Oh, they are cheap skates.”
“I thought they came across in the Mayflower.”
“They did, but that’s the last time they did.”
The husband arrived home much later than usual “from the office.” He took off his boots and stole into the bedroom. His wife began to stir. Quickly the panic-stricken man went to the cradle of his first-born and began to rock it vigorously.
“What are you doing there, Robert?” queried his wife.
“I’ve been sitting here for nearly two hours trying to get this baby to sleep,” he growled.
“Why, Robert, I’ve got him here in bed with me,” replied his wife.
‘Tis Often Thus
“That young Ralston,” said Amelia, “has a lot in him, when you know him.”
“Yes,” replied Elizabeth, “but it’s a vacant lot.”
To Be Continued
“What did your wife say when you stayed out so late last night?”
“I don’t know. She hasn’t finished telling it all to me yet.”
A Big Fall
Tinner: “Yesterday I fell off an 18-foot ladder.”
Lady: “Mercy! You might have killed yourself.”
Tinner: “Naw, it was only from the second step I dropped.”