A Straight Tip
Johnnie (to new visitor) – “So you are my grandma, are you?”
Grandmother – “Yes, Johnnie! I’m your grandma on your father’s side.”
Johnnie – “Well, you’re on the wrong side, you’ll find that out!”
A Narrow Escape
A Study in Anatomy
When the butcher responded to his telephone bell, the shrill voice of a little girl greeted his ears.
“Hello, is this Mr. W—?”
“Yes,” he answered kindly.
“Well, do you know anything about where grandpa’s liver is? We’ve looked everywhere but we can’t find it.”
Shortly after Mr. Gladstone’s death a local politician delivered an address upon the life of a statesman before a school. When he had finished, he said: “Now, can any of you tell me what a statesman is?” A Little hand went up, and a little girl replied: “A statesman is a man who makes speeches.” “Hardly that,” answered the politician, who loved to tell the story. “For instance, I sometimes make speeches, and yet I am not a statesman.” The little hand again went up. “I know,” and the answer came triumphantly: “A statesman is a man who makes good speeches.”
A Hard World
“Did you ever feel that the world was against you?”
“Sure. I felt it this morning when I slipt on the sidewalk.”
Invalid Husband – “Did the doctor say I was to take all that medicine?”
Wife – “Yes, dear.”
Invalid Husband – “Why, there’s enough to kill a donkey.”
Wife (anxiously) – “Then you’d better not take all of it, John.”
The Lady – “Look here; you said that if I’d give you your dinner you’d mow the lawn for me.”
The Hobo – “I’d like to do it, ma’am, but I gotter teach yer a lesson. Never trust th’ word of a total stranger.”
The Suffering Sex
She – “A woman suffers in silence.”
He – “Yes. That must, indeed, be untold agony to her.”
East and West
“In the Far East a girl never sees her intended husband until she is married,” remarked a young man at a social gathering.
“How odd,” exclaimed a lady. “In this part of the world she seldom sees him afterwards.”
Father (called upon to deliver a parental lecture) – “Upon my word, you children are getting too dainty for anything! Jam and butter on the same piece of bread, indeed! Why, when I was your age I was very glad to get enough dry bread to eat!
Bobbie – “You have a much better time of it living with us, don’t you, father?”
It Might Have Been Worse
Two northern business men, passing through a barren region of the South, paused one day before a hopeless, tumble-down habitation, one of them exclaiming: “Poor creatures! How do they ever make a living from such land!” At this the sagging door of the hut slowly opened, a tall, lanky, poor white appearing, who drawled out to them: “Looky here, strangers, I ain’t so darned poor ez you think I am. I don’t own all this yere land; I jest own the house.”
A New Sort of School
The proprietor of an institution professing to cure stuttering tells of the amazement which a visitor from the interior of the state contemplated the huge gilt sign displayed over the entrance to the place: “Stammering Institute. Trial lesson free!”
“Upon my soul!” exclaimed the rural Pennsylvanian, “if that don’t beat all! I knew they taught ‘most everything these days, but who the deuce wants to learn stammerin’?”
“How lovely it would be if all things in this world would work in harmony!”
“M’yes! For instance, if coal would only go up and down with the thermometer!”
Little Bernhard’s mother was giving him a bath, and, just as the process was being completed, he heard his sister at the door.
“You can’t come in now, Nellie,” he called, “I’m Cupid.”
Then He Went
“It’s hard to lose one’s relations, sir,” said the book-keeper, visions of a baseball game vanishing before his employer’s wrath.
“Hard?” cried the millionaire. “Why, man alive, it’s almost impossible!”
Sometimes They Are
The following is a true story of one of my little friends:
Dorothy, the wee daughter of a physician, attends a church whose pastor recently passed on.
On her return from Sunday school a few weeks later she said: “Mamma, we will all have to take some money next Sunday to help get a pill for Dr. Ammen!”
“A pill, Dorothy!” exclaimed her mother. “Why do you mean? You surely have made some mistake. Why, our dear pastor is no longer living!”
“Well,” replied the child, “that’s what teacher said.”
The next Sunday, however, Mrs. W. Gave her small daughter the money without having been able to learn for what purpose it was to be used.
When Dorothy came home this time she said: “Well, mamma, I was wrong; it’s a tablet they want to get, but a pill and a tablet are the same, aren’t they?”
Most as Bad
“Were you ever surrounded by wolves?”
“No; but I used to open the dining-room doors at a summer hotel.”
“More than five thousand elephants a year go to make our piano keys,” remarked the student boarder who had been reading the scientific notes in a patent-medicine almanac.
“For the land’s sake!” exclaimed the landlady. “Ain’t it wonderful what some animals can be trained to do?”
Someone asked Max Nordan to define the difference between genius and insanity. “Well,” said the author of Degeneration, “the lunatic is, at least, sure of his board and clothes.”
Politician in Kitchen
“I’m afraid I’ll never be able to teach you anything, Maggie,” was the despairing utterance of a Trenton woman to a new Irish domestic. “Don’t you know that you should always hand me notes and cards on a salver?”
“Sure, mum, I knew,” answered Maggie, “but I didn’t know you did.”
Joan – “I’m awful frightened at the lightnin’. I wish there was a man here.”
Mistress – “What good would that do?”
Joan – “He’d tell me not to be such a fool.”
A Never Failing Supply
The fond husband was seeing his wife off with the children for their vacation in the country. As she got into the train, he said, “But, my dear, won’t you take some fiction to read?”
“Oh, no!” she responded sweetly. “I shall depend upon your letters from home.”