Ding: “What did your wife say when you got home last night?”
Dong: “She never said a word. And I was going to have those two front teeth pulled, anyway.”
Just for a Second
“Is this a second-hand shop?”
“Well, I want one for my watch.”
Pish: “I can’t see my hand in front of my face.”
Tush: “Good heavens, Whazzamatter?”
Didn’t Want to Drag It
The young lady entered the poultry shop, and rapped smartly on the counter.
“I want a chicken,” she said.
“Do you want a pullet?” asked the shop-keeper.
“No, I want to carry it,” answered the housekeeper.
A Good, Long Kick
“You are an hour late this morning, Sam,” said an employer to his colored servant.
“Yes, sah, I was kicked by a mule on my way, sah.”
“That oughtn’t to have detained you an hour, Sam.”
“Well, you see, boss, he kicked me de other way.”
Handsome But Tough
He had not been long in the Navy, and while abroad he had sent his mother a beautiful, gaily plumaged parrot.
A few months later he was home at the old country cottage on leave, and while at tea, not noticing the parrot he asked his mother how she liked the bird.
“Well,” replied the dear old soul, “it was a real handsome bird, but, by gum, it was tough.”
A Needed Comfort
“Mary, I’m thinkin’ er marryin again. Them pore cows uv mine ‘aven’t known the touch uv a woman’s ‘and since Martha died.”
Testing His Will Power
Farmer: “What are you doing in the orchard?”
Boy: “Nothing, sir!”
Farmer: “Aren’t you trying to steal some apples?”
Boy: “No, sir; I’m trying not to steal ‘em.”
Don’t Try It
Art: “What’s all the noise down there?”
Dart: “Fella turned a corner!”
“There wasn’t any corner.”
Oh, What Jimmy Got
“Why, pa, this is a roast beef!” exclaimed little Jim at dinner one evening when Mr. Brown, a guest of honor, was present.
“Why, you told ma this morning that you were going to bring an old mutton-head home for dinner this evening!”
A Musical Burglary
The young man paused attentively in the act of removing his coat, and glanced towards the hostess.
“It’s my daughter breaking into song,” she exclaimed proudly.
“Yes, she sounds as if she were breaking in, as she obviously cannot find the key,” came the cynical reply.
Not Built that Way
The prosecuting attorney was examining a negro witness.
“Now Mose,” he said, “tell us what you know about this fight.”
“Well, boss, I think –”
“Never mind what you think; just tell us what you know.”
“But, boss. I ain’t no lawyer. I can’t talk without thinkin’.”
Of Course She Couldn’t Wear It!
He, triumphantly: “That new dress of yours looks quite decent.”
She, despondently: “Yes, I was afraid it would.”
Harry: “I bet I can make a worse face than you can.”
Dorothy: “you ought to be able to. Look at the face you’ve got to start with.”
She (back from a honeymoon in Switzerland): “Don’t you remember that wonderful gorge in the Alps, dear?”
He: “Sure do; it was the squarest meal I ever had.”
Prima Facia Evidence
Smith: “He claims to be related to you, and says he can prove it.”
Dobson: “The man’s a fool.”
Smith: “That may be a mere coincidence.”