He was about nine and extremely fond of the neighbor’s dog, who returned the esteem. One evening the two were romping on the floor when the dog stood up, put its paws on the boy’s shoulders, and plastered him with wet affection. To the mother’s horror, the boy planted a kiss of his own right on the dog’s nose.
“Aw, what you worryin’ about?” he said when she remonstrated. “It won’t hurt him. I got over my cold a week ago.”
Point of View
An Easterner was being driven by a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of western Texas when a gaudy bird, new to him, scurried in front of them. The Easterner asked what it was.
“That is a bird of paradise,” said the rancher.
The stranger rode on in silence for a time, and then said: “Pretty long way from home, isn’t he?”
Employee: “But, I don’t need any help. I couldn’t find enough work to keep you busy.”
Young Applicant: “You’d be surprised how little it takes to keep me busy.”
A disgruntled schoolteacher resigned after making this comment: “In public schools today the teacher is afraid of the principal; the principals are afraid of the superintendents; the superintendents are afraid of the school board; the boards are afraid of the parents; the parents are afraid of the children; and the children are afraid of nobody.”
Imitation is the sincerest form of robbery.
A successful author is one who can make glaring mistakes in grammar and thereby cause them to come into good usage.
Don’t keep telling the lady you are unworthy of her. Let it be a complete surprise.
The absent-minded professor’s physician advised him to “look out for yourself.” So each day the professor went to the window at about four o’clock and looked out, because he usually came home about that time.
A woman was boasting about her memory. “There are only three things I can’t remember,” she said. “I can’t remember names. I can’t remember faces. And I can’t remember what the third thing was.”
All in a Day’s Work
Five-year-old William had been taught that Sunday is not a day for play. One Sunday morning his mother found him sailing his toy boat in the bathtub.
“William,” she said, “don’t you know it is wicked to sail boats on the Sabbath?”
“Don’t worry, mother,” he replied. “This isn’t a pleasure trip. This is a missionary boat going to Africa.”
A police officer was preparing to fingerprint an offender.
“Wash your hands,” he ordered.
“Both of them?”
The police officer hesitated for a moment.
“No,” he said, grimly, “just one of them. I want to see how you do it.”
His health wasn’t any too good, so the Eastern city dweller went looking for a place to live in the Southwest. In one small town in Arizona, he approached an old-timer sitting on the steps of the general store.
“Say,” he asked, “what’s the death rate around here?”
“Same as it is back East, bub,” answered the old fellow, “one to a person.”
Dying the Part
A touring actor has played the part of Abraham Lincoln so many times that he has assumed the habits of the great president, even going so far as to adopt characteristic garb.
Recently, dressed in the cape and tall hat of Lincoln’s day, he nodded gravely to another repertory actor.
Waiting until the impersonator was out of earshot, the other murmured: “That fellow will never be satisfied until he is assassinated.”
A person remains immature, whatever his age, as long as he thinks of himself as an exception to the human race.
Democracy is a system under which a person who didn’t vote can spend the rest of the year kicking about the candidates the other people elected.
It was graduation time in a Philadelphia school. Each child was asked to write on the bottom of her paper what she wanted to be when she finished the high school they would be entering.
The teacher read the answers with the names, to the class. Jane wanted to be a schoolteacher; Mary was planning to be an air stewardess; Connie wanted to be a writer, and so on, as all wished for a high station in life. One small girl had written with characteristic simplicity: “I want to be a success.” She, of course, received the highest grade for the best answer.
One Too Many
“Who was it that said there was room in the world for everyone?”
“I don’t know, but whoever it was had never traveled in the New York subway during rush hour.”
An Even Break
A man, interested in buying a farm that was for sale, stopped in to see how a neighbor nearby was farming. “Do you think I would prosper if I bought that farm?” he asked.
“Nope, I sure wouldn’t say that,” replied the cautious farmer, “but on the other hand, if your luck holds like mine, there’s nothin’ to lose. There weren’t nothin’ here when I came, and there ain’t nothin’ here now. A feller can’t ask for more than an even break.”
Mrs. Blimp: “Henry, don’t you realize that this is my birthday?”
Mr. Blimp: “How could I, dear – you don’t look a day older than you did last year.”
Mother: “Janet, there’s just no sense in your mooning about wishing for things you don’t have.”
Janet: “But, Mother, surely there’s no sense, either, in wishing for things I do have.”
“My boy,” said Mr. Smith to his young son, “when I first went into business I had not an asset in the world except my intelligence.”
“Gosh, Pop,” the lad exclaimed, admiringly, “you sure must have had a lot of courage.”