Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1924 (2)
 


Funny Bones, 1924 (2)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - October 08, 2011

A Mutual Agreement

Bert: “Got a toothache, eh? I’d have it pulled if it was my tooth.”

LeRoy: “So would I if it was yours.”

Inferential

Professor Biologer: “Where do bugs go in winter?”

Absent-minded Student: “Search me.”


Unreasonable Request

Doctor: “Put out your tongue – more than that – all of it.”

Child: “But, doctor, I can’t. it’s fastened at the other end!”

Sufficient Proof

Stricken One – “I tell you, Dolly, I simply can’t live without you.”

Flippant One – “Oh, I don’t know; all the others are pretty healthy.”

A Brain Storm*

Rastus and Mose were having a heated argument. In reply to some remark of Rastus, Mose said:

“Guess I know! Don’t you think I’se got any brains?”

“Huh!” Rastus replied, “if brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow off your hat!”

*somewhat edited

Conclusive Evidence

In a Sunday school class in a Western town the young woman in charge asked: “And how did Noah spend his time in the Ark?”

“Fishin’,” was the suggestion of a boy pupil.

“A very reasonable suggestion,” said the teacher.

“But,” continued the boy, “he couldn’t have caught much.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Because,” answered the lad, knowingly, “because, you see, he had only two worms with him.”

An Accident

Teacher: “Who was that who laughed aloud?”

Pupil: “I did, sir; but I didn’t mean to do it.”

Teacher: ‘you didn’t mean to do it?”

Pupil: “No, sir; I laughed in my sleeve, and I didn’t know there was a hole in my elbow.”

Merely a Safety Device *

Two men were arguing. “You ain’t got no sense,” said one.

“No sense? then what’s this head o’ mine for?”

“Head? That’s no head. That’s just a button on top of your body to keep your backbone from unravelling.”

* somewhat edited

The Cowardly Kind

The Actor: “Yes, sir, someone aimed a base, cowardly egg at me.”

The Other: “And what kind of an egg is that?”

The Actor: “A base, cowardly egg, sir? A base cowardly egg is one that hits you – and then runs.”

As a Matter of Record *

Rastus: “You done said you could lick me.”

Jasper: “Um-hum, I shore did; want to see me demonstrate?”

Rastus: “No, I’se just gathering statistics.”

* somewhat edited

Reckless of Him

First Cannibal: “The chief has hay fever.”

Second Cannibal: “Serves him right; we warned him not to eat the grass widow.”

Both Ways

“What I say is that if a woman is good looking then higher education is unnecessary.”

“Yes, and if she isn’t, it is inadequate.”

Agreed

He: “What time should I come?”

She: “Come after supper.”

He: “That’s what I was coming after.”

Hasn’t Recovered Yet

“A man is never older than he feels,” declared the ancient beau, bravely. “Now I feel as fresh as a two-year-old.”

“Horse or egg?” asked the sweet young thing brightly.

Too Practical

Poetic Bridegroom: “I could sit here forever gazing into your eyes and listening to the wash of the ocean.”

Practical Bride: “Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our laundry bill yet.”

A Warm Sympathizer

Tramp: “I’ve eaten nothin’ but snowballs for three days, mum.”

Lady: “You poor man! What would you have done had it been summertime?”

Misunderstood

Charlie (over phone): “I want to see you in the worst way, dearest.”

Mary (over phone): “Well, I usually get up around 10 a.m.”

Sh!

Diner: “My plate is damp.”

Wife: “Hush, that’s your soup.”

A Correct Diagnosis

Doctor: “You seem to be all run down, Mrs. Peck. Let’s see your tongue.”

Henry: “That’s right, doc; you guessed it right off!”

A Desperate Condition

Mother: “My boy certainly grows more like his father every day.”

Neighbor: “Does he, now? And have you tried everything?”

Reason Enough

“Good morning, Mr. Oats, I see you have no scarecrows in your field. How do you manage without them?”

“Oh, well enough,” innocently replied the farmer. “You see, I don’t need ‘em, for I’m in the fields all day myself.”

Jazz!

Alfred – “Do you know, old fellow, that I’ve always had a wonderful ear for music?”

Ernest – “Is that so!”

Alfred – “Yes. At the age of two used to play on the linoleum.”

Electrically Speaking

“Smythe is a live wire.”

“He touched me this morning for $10.”

“With what result?”

“I was shocked.”

And That’s That

“I wonder why it is a girl can’t catch a ball like a man.”

“Oh, a man is so much bigger and easier to catch.”



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