On taking her defective toaster to the repair shop, the dignified dowager was told: “You’ve got a short circuit here, ma’am.”
“Then lengthen it for me, please,” the lady instructed him crisply.
To a Turn
The customer at the lunch counter was struggling valiantly with his not-so-choice cube steak. Finally he put down his knife, glared at the design left by the scoring machine, and said to the proprietor:
“It’s a shame to fry a tire that still has this much tread on it!”
A Way Out
Thomas Edison hated formal dinners, which were always stuffy affairs to him. One night, at a particularly dull gathering, he decided to sneak away and return to his laboratory. As he was pacing back and forth near the door, waiting for an opportune moment to escape, his host came up to him.
“It certainly is a delight to see you, Mr. Edison,” he said. “What are you working on now?”
“My exit,” replied the inventor, amazed at his own boldness.
Point of View
A husband drew up his chair beside his wife’s sewing machine.
“Don’t you think you’re running too fast?” he asked. “Look out, you’ll sew the wrong seam. Mind that corner now! Watch your finger. Steady!”
“What’s the matter with you, John?” said his wife. “I’ve been running this machine for years.”
“Well, dear, I thought you might like me to help you, since you help me to drive the car.”
Beatrice Lillie went to the country for a weekend and heard one of the guests make a series of statements which she deemed objectionable. She protested immediately to the hostess, who assured her: “Oh, he really doesn’t mean it. He’s joking. He is saying those things with tongue in cheek.”
Miss Lillie replied: “He confuses tongue-in-cheek with foot-in-mouth.”
The applicant for a job as housemaid was being interviewed by the employment agent and was asked if she had any preference as to the kind of family she would like to work for.
“Any kind,” she replied, “but highbrows. I worked for a pair of them once, and him and her was fighting all the time. It kept me running back and forth from the keyhole to the dictionary till I was worn out.”
“Was your garden a success this year?” asked a friend.
“I should say so,” was the reply. “Our neighbor’s chickens won first prize at the poultry show.”
A small boy came home from school saying that he had to copy everything from a neighbor because he couldn’t see the blackboard.
His mother took him to an eye doctor who made an extensive examination. Finally turning to the mother, the doctor said: “Why, this child’s eyes are completely normal.” Then turning to the boy, he asked: “Just why can’t you see the blackboard?”
“Because the kid that sits in front of me is too tall.”
A speaker had warmed up to the subject of conservation. “I don’t suppose,” he glowered at his audience, “that any of you has ever done a single thing to preserve our timber.”
“I shot a woodpecker once,” came a meek reply from the back of the building.
“Johnny, give me a sentence containing the word ‘I,’” said the teacher.
“I is,” Johnny began.
“No, no,” she cut him short, “it is always ‘I am.’”
“All right,” Johnny shrugged his shoulders. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
The government official has advised the farmer to collect his livestock of every description and have them branded.
“I suppose that’s going to be all right,” said the farmer, “but honest, mister, I’m going to have quite a time with those bees.”
Signed and Sealed
Mr. Bronson died very suddenly, and an important business letter was left unmailed.
Before sending it off, his secretary, who had a passion for explanatory detail, added a postscript below Mr. Bronson’s signature: “Since writing the above, I have died.”
Best in Class
A little boy, not particularly brilliant or beautiful, came home one day delighted to tell his parents that the teacher had said he was the best in his class.
They were proud and impressed, and he basked in their praise until they asked what the class had been doing that afternoon.
Said the lad, somewhat reluctantly: “We were practising opening our mouths wide.”
By the Smile
A woman got on a streetcar.
“Does this car go to Grand boulevard?” she asked of Clancy the conductor.
“Yes,” replied Clancy.
A few minutes passed.
“Are you sure it goes to Grand boulevard?”
“Yes,” replied Clancy.
“There’s no danger we’ll go past Grand boulevard?”
“No,” said Clancy.
Every five minutes she asked about Grand boulevard.
“Will you tell me when we’re near it?”
“Just how will I know when we get there?”
“By the smile on my face, lady.”
Mr. and Mrs. Sam Bottomley had one of those knock-down, drag-out arguments.
“You’re the worst husband in the world,” she yelled. “The way you treat me, if anybody came here, they’d think I was the cook.”
“Oh, yeah,” growled the husband. “Well, they wouldn’t if they stayed for dinner.”
A couple of newlyweds were returning from their honeymoon.
“Darling,” said the bride as they stepped off the train, “let’s make the people around here believe that we’ve been married a long time.”
“Okay,” said the groom, “you carry the suitcase.”
“Where have you been the last three hours?” demanded the minister’s wife, somewhat annoyed.
“I met Mrs. Black on the street and asked how her married daughter was getting along,” sighed the weary pastor, “so she told me.”