Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1916 (4)
 


Funny Bones, 1916 (4)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - September 24, 2011

Snappers

“Are the fish biting now?” asked the stranger.

“Yes,” replied the boy. “But you ain’t allowed to catch ‘em.”

“Do you mean to say you don’t fish?”

“I don’t exactly fish. But if a fish comes along and bites at me I do my best to defend myself.”

In a Useful Spot

Willie was being measured for his first made-to-order suit of clothes.

“Do you want the shoulders padded, my little man?” asked the tailor.

“Naw,” said Willie significantly, “pad th’ pants.”

The Exact Point

“A train leaves New York,” supposed the teacher, “traveling forty miles an hour. It is followed thirty minutes later by a train traveling eighty miles an hour. At what point will the second train run into the first?”

The class seemed at a loss; that is, all except Willie Green, who was standing in the aisle vigorously wagging his hand. “Well, Willie?” said the teacher.

“At the hind end of the rear car, ma’am,” answered Willie.

Otherwise Not

“Why do you want to get divorced?”

“Because I’m married.”

What Tommy Thought

“What is a triple alliance, Tommy?”

“It’s when Pa and Ma and the schoolteacher agree that I ought to have a lickin’.”

The Right Answer

The class in history had the floor.

“Can any scholar tell me where the Declaration of Independence was signed?” asked the teacher.

“At de bottom,” promptly replied one lad.

Made from Hard Wheat?

“I wish to complain,” said the bride haughtily, “about the flour you sold me. It was tough.”

“Tough, ma’am?” asked the grocer.

“Yes, tough. I made a pie with it, and my husband could hardly cut it.”

Wanted Too Much

Guest (calling to clerk at two o’clock in the morning): “There are two mice fighting in my room. What kind of a cheap place is this?”

“What price did you pay for your room?” asked the sleepy clerk.

“Fifty cents,” replied the irate guest.

“Well, what do you expect for fifty cents? A bull fight?” asked the clerk.

A Detail

Enthusiastic Aviator (after long explanation of principles and workings of his biplane): “Now, you understand it, don’t you?”

Young Lady: “All but one thing.”

Aviator: “And that is –?”

Young Lady: “What makes it stay up?”

Hopeless

Grocer: “What have you been doing in the cellar so long?”

Grocer’s Boy: “I’ve been cleaning out the quart measure for the molasses. It was so gummed it didn’t hold more’n a pint.”

Grocery: “You get your hat and get out. Tell your father to get you a job washing bottles; you ain’t fit for the grocery business.”

Of No Avail

“I’ve been reading an article on electricity, William,” said William’s wife, as she laid down a technical magazine, “and it appears before long we shall be able to get pretty nearly everything we want just by touching a button.”

“It will never pay here!” said the husband. “You would never be able to get anything in that way.”

“Why not, William?”

“Because nothing would ever make you touch a button! Look at my shirt!”

Why Johnny Flunked

“What was the result of the flood?’ asked the Sunday School teacher.

“Mud,” replied the bright youngster.

Of Course

“When is the best time to catch soft water?”

“When it is raining hard.”

The Limit

“Are the fish thick here?”

“Well, not too thick, sir,” answered the native. “We have to use this lake partly for navigation.”

In Danger

Smitty (taking his watch from under his pillow): “Quarter of eight and mother hasn’t come to wake me yet. I shall certainly be late for school if she doesn’t come soon.”

A Use for Everything

An old soldier who had lost one of his legs in the war once said to a younger man: “Well, there is one advantage in having a wooden leg.”

“What is it?” asked the other.

“You can hold your socks up with thumb tacks.”

Checkmate

“Mother,” said little Willie, “when I was at grandma’s, she let me have fruit tart twice.”

“Well, she ought not to have done so,” said his mother. “I think once is quite enough for little boys. The older you grow the more wisdom you will gain.”

Willie was silent, but only for a moment. “Well, mother,” he said, “grandma is a good deal older than you are!”

Monkey Business

An automobilist, traveling in Western North Dakota, was stranded near a farmhouse. After fussing with his machine for some time, he gave it up and approached the Swede who was leaning on the gate.

“Have you got a monkey wrench?” he asked.

“No,” responded the man. “Ay got sheep wranch. Ay tank man bane beeg fool, keep monkey wranch by dees contree.”

The Sky Pilot

Owing to fog, a steamer stopped at the mouth of a river. An old lady became very nervous and inquired of the captain the cause of the delay.

“Can’t see up the river,” replied the officer.

“But, captain, I can see the stars overhead,” she argued.

“Yes,” said he gruffly, “but until the boilers bust we ain’t a-going that way.”

Cause and Effect

Little Boy: “A penn’worth each of liniment and liquid cement, please.”

Chemist: “Are they both for the same person, or shall I wrap them up separately?”

Little Boy: “Well, I dunno. Muvver’s broke ‘er teapot, so she wants the cement, but farver wants the liniment. ‘E’s what muvver broke ‘er teapot on.”



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