Father – “Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning about your fight with his boy yesterday.”
Son – “Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did.”
“Is your place within walking distance of the cars?”
“I dunno,” asked Farmer Corntossel. “How far kin you walk?”
For Sale – A full-blooded cow, giving milk, three tons of hay, a lot of chickens, and several stoves.
A Familiar Tool
Miss O.B. Fashunable – “We dined out last night. Pa disgraced us, as usual.
“How was that?”
“He got to the end of the dinner with three forks and two spoons still unused.”
Say It with Flowers
“What does young Binks mean by sending me one carnation a day, right along?”
“Why, don’t you know? He’s saying it with flowers, and stutters.”
The Rules of War
Kind old lady – “You shouldn’t hit that boy when he’s down.”
Unkind Urchin – “Sa-a-y! Whatddya think I put him down for?”
A Different Man
Irate Housewife – “Ain’t you the same man I gave a mince pie to last Christmas?”
Tramp (bitterly) – “No, mum, I’m not, and wot’s more the doctor says I never will be.”
A Strap Holder
“Bobby,” said the lady in the street car, severely, “why don’t you get up and give your seat to your father; doesn’t it pain you to see him reaching for a strap?”
“Not in a street car,” replied Bobby cheerily, “but it does at home.”
The Way Shells Do
The busy old lady was calling at the wounded soldier’s home. “How did it happen, William?” she inquired.
“A shell? Dear me! Did it explode?”
“Explode, mum,” replied William, wearily, “oh, I wouldn’t say that, mum. It just crept up quietly behind me – and bit me.”
A Young Diplomat
Harold, aged nine, came home the other day in such a condition as to cause perturbation to his mother.
“How on earth,” she asked, “did you get your clothes so frightfully torn?”
Harold assumed a very virtuous air.
“I tried to save a little boy from getting licked,” he explained.
“That was good of you, darling. Who was the little boy?”
What’s the Use?
A man driving across the country in western Kansas met a farmer hauling a wagon-load of water.
“Where do you get water?” he asked.
“Up the road about seven miles,” the farmer replied.
“And you haul water seven miles for your family and stock?”
“Why in the world don’t you dig a well?” asked the stranger excitedly.
“Because, stranger,” the farmer said firmly, “it’s just as fur one way as the other.”
Mrs. Neighbors – “They tell me your son is in the college football eleven?”
Mrs. Malaprop – “Yes, indeed.”
Mrs. Neighbors – “Do you know what position he plays?”
Mrs. Malaprop – “Ain’t sure, but I think he’s one of the drawbacks.”
A Sharp One
“Do you know why we call our language the Mother Tongue?’
“Because Father never gets a chance to use it.”
His Own Fault
Hubby – “You’re three-quarters of an hour late. What do you mean keeping me standing around like a fool?”
The Wife – “I can’t help the way you stand.”
“Don’t you find it rather lonely here,” asked Cholly, “with nobody to talk to?”
“Yes,” replied the girl with a bored look in her eyes, “and it’s getting worse every minute.”
“There’s one question Edison never asked.”
“What did Sitting Bull sit on?”
A Sure Crop
A certain man has a wonderful garden, where he grows water-melons.
“How do you put the water in the water-melons?” a facetious friend asked him.
“Oh, I plant the seeds in the spring,” he said.
“When I grow up and marry, mother, will I have a husband like papa?” asked Mary.
“I hope so, dear,” said mother.
“And if I don’t marry, will I be like Aunt Sue?”
“I hope so.”
“Gracious!” said Mary, as she turned away, “what a fix I’m in!”