Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1913 (5)
 


Funny Bones, 1913 (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - September 03, 2011

An Appeal to Mother

“Ma! Ma!” sobbed Willie, “Do my ears belong to my neck or my face?”

“Why, what is the matter?” was the temporizing reply.

“Well, you told Mary to wash my face, and she’s washing my ears, too!”

.

Frenzied Mathematics

Teacher was trying to make a showing before the superintendent. “There are five children in the family,” said she, “and the mother has only four potatoes to divide. What is she to do?”

“Mash ‘em,” cried Johnny.

Just an Ordinary fellow

She put down the book with a sigh.

“What is it, darling” he asked.

“Ah, dearest, I’m so happy,” she replied.

“But you had such a sad look in your eyes just now.”

“I know. I’ve been reading about the unhappiness that the wives of men of genius have always had to bear. Oh, Alfred, I’m so glad you’re just an ordinary sort of fellow.”

Jonahed

The whale that bolted Jonah down
Was kept awake o’nights,
By hearing Jonah’s frantic cry,
“Turn on the ‘lectric lights!”

It Busted

“Freddy, you shouldn’t laugh out loud in the school room,” exclaimed teacher.

“I didn’t mean to do it,” apologized Freddy. “I was smiling, when all of a sudden the smile busted.”

Premature

“I understand you went over to Crimson Gulch and lynched the wrong man?’

“No,” replied three-fingered Sam. “You can’t lynch the wrong man in Crimson Gulch. We jest got Piute Peter a little bit ahead of his turn.”

The Holy Fly

Helen was watching some flies on the windowpane, when she called to her mother: “Mama, come and see if this is the bosom fly!”

“The bosom fly, child! What kind of a fly is that?”

“Oh, the one they sang about in church last Sunday – ‘Let me to thy bosom fly.’”

Gross Carelessness

“Bill’s going to sue the company for damages.”

“Why, what did they do to him?”

“They blew the quittin’ whistle when ‘e was carryin’ a ‘eavy piece of iron, and ‘e dropt it on ‘is foot.”

Everlasting

“Tommy, did you carry your books on the left side this morning?” demanded his mother.

“Yes’m.”

“Very well. Now, don’t forget to carry them on the right side tomorrow morning.”

“What difference does it make?” growled dad.

“That shows what kind of a father you are,” snapped the mother. “If the child didn’t alternate, he might get curvature of the spine.”

Flourishes in the Heat

Teacher – “Archibald, what plants flourish in excessive heat?”

Archibald – “Ice plants.”

A Terrible Tragedy

“A piano factory was burned to the ground because the hose couldn’t play upon the pianos.”

Not for Words

There are lots of people in the world who pose as paragons of purity who would hate to see some man invent a mind-reading machine.

The Reason

“Pa, why is a fool and his money soon parted?”

“So that a wise guy can live without working, my boy.”

Heredity

“Do you believe in heredity?”

“To some extent, yes.”

“In what way, for instance?”

“Well, I believe in inheriting money.”

A Doubter

“My husband won’t believe a thing I tell him any more.”

“Why’s that?”

“I can’t explain it at all. It started right after I told him a woman wrote A Song Without Words.”

A Startling Sentence

“Who can give a sentence using the word ‘pendulum’? asked the teacher.

Little Rachel’s hand shot up. the teacher nodded encouragingly.

‘Lightning was invented by Penjulum Franklin.”

The Best Use for Pills

Boy – “I want another box of pills like I got for mother yesterday.”

Druggist – “Did your mother say they were good?”

Boy – “No; but they just fit my air gun.”

The Safe Direction

A negro came running down the lane as though a ghost were after him.

“What are you running for, Mose?” called the colonel from the barn.

“I ain’t runnin’ for,” shouted Mose. ‘I’m runnin’ from!”



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