Now We Know
Friend: “Doctor, how do you manage to stand the high cost of living?”
Surgeon: “By cutting out something.”
Oh, Mary, How Could You?
Can you drive with one hand?”
“You bet I can.”
“Then have an apple.”
Then He Swore
It was a dark night and the cyclist was lost. Presently he saw a sign on a post. With great difficulty he climbed the post, struck a match, and read, “Wet Paint.”
“Did I understand you to say that your neighbor’s boy was the support of the family?”
“Good heavens, no! I said the sport of the family.”
A Bit Foggy
Little Boy (at school): “The people of London are noted for their stupidity.”
Teacher: “Wherever did you get that information?”
Little Boy: “From this book, miss. It says the population of London is very dense!”
Nothing Fancy Wanted
A man with a bad cut on his forehead went into a surgeon’s office for treatment, and inquired in advance about the prices.
“It will cost you about $10 to have that scalp wound sewed up.”
“Gee, Doc, I don’t want no hemstitching or embroid’ry. I just want a little plain sewing.”
Master (to student entering class late): “When were you born?”
Student: “On the second of April.”
A Boy with a Heart
Tom: “Pa, you remember you promised me five dollars if I passed in school this year.”
Tom: “Well, you ain’t gonna have that expense.”
Furnishing a Substitute
Old Lady: “Oh, conductor, please stop the train. I dropped my wig out of the window.”
Conductor: “Never mind, madam, there is a switch just this side of the next station.”
Sometimes a Plug Has to Pull It
Bill: “Say, do you know an easy way to find the horsepower of a car?”
Jones: “No. How?”
Bill: “Just lift the hood and count the ‘plugs’.”
A certain man has a wonderful garden, where he grows watermelons.
“How do you put the water in the watermelons?” a facetious friend asked him.
“Oh, I plant the seeds in the spring,” he said.
Words of Kindness
An American, newly arrived, went into a London teashop, took a seat, and waited. Presently a bright-eyed waitress approached him and asked: “Can I take your order?”
“Yes. Two boiled eggs and a kind word.”
The waitress brought the eggs and was moving on when the American said: “Say! What about the kind word?”
The waitress leaned over and whispered, “Don’t eat the eggs.”
Teacher: “Who can name one important thing we have now that we did not have one hundred years ago?”
A Second Helping
“Would you like any more pudding, Bertrand?” asked his mother. And Bertrand, who has just begun to learn geometry, replied: “A segment of about 25 degrees, please, mater.”
The Retort Courteous
“Tommy,” said the teacher, “I wish you wouldn’t come to school with such dirty hands. What would you say if I came to school with dirt and ink all over my fingers?”
“I wouldn’t say anything,” answered the child, promptly. “I’d be too polite.”
Nutt: “You’d better keep your eyes open tomorrow!”
Nutt: “Because you can’t see with them shut.”
That Reminds Me!
I want my husband to go with me to pick out my new hat.
She Knew Where It Was
Mother had spanked little Mary. The minister called and found Mary sobbing in the hall. “Well, well,” asked the minister in his best consolatory vein, “What’s the matter?”
“It hurts,” sobbed Mary.
“What, my dear?”
“The back of my lap.”
“Johnny, didn’t I tell you to come right home from the barber shop?”
“Then why didn’t you obey?”
“I had to wait while grandma got her neck shaved.”