“Aren’t you ready, dear?” called husband from downstairs.
“As soon as I fix my hair, Henry,” came the reply.
“Haven’t you fixed your hair yet? For gracious sakes!” came from Henry an hour later.
“Fixed it?” shouted the female voice, “I haven’t found it yet!”
“Thank you so much for your song, my dear,” said the elderly woman when the daughter of the house where she was visiting had finished her solo. “It took me back to my childhood days on my father’s farm, and while I listened to your voice I seemed to hear the old gate creaking in the wind.”
Husband – “Did you ever notice, my dear, that a loud talker is generally an ignorant person?”
Wife – “Well, you needn’t shout so; I am not deaf.”
Slater was absorbed in the evening’s paper when his young son’s crying disturbed him.
“What is the child howling for, now?” he demanded irritably.
“He wants his own way,” said Mrs. Slater.
“Well,” argued Slater absent-mindedly, as his eye fell on a particularly interesting item, “if it’s his, why don’t you let him have it?”
A Milk Shake
Waiter (at Grab and Grunt) – “Milk or water?”
Customer – “Don’t tell me, please; let me guess.”
It Makes a Difference
Jud Tunkins says love is blind, and even a hippopotamus thinks her children beautiful.
Those D.F. Questions
“Did you fall?” said a man, rushing to the rescue of a woman who slipped on the icy pavement.
“Oh, no,” she said, “I just sat down to see if I could find any four-leaf clovers.”
Not Fit to Play With
Johnny had used some unparliamentary language, much to his mother’s distress. “Johnny,” she cried, “do stop using such dreadful expressions. I can’t imagine where you pick them up.”
“Well, mother,” replied Johnny, “Shakespeare uses them.”
“Then don’t play with him again,” commanded his mother; “he’s not a fit companion for you, I’m sure.”
Mother: “Sam, you’ve been fighting again! You’ve lost four front teeth.”
Sam (taking a little package from his pocket): “No, I ain’t, mother. Here they are!”
Native: “Sahib, I saw a lot of tiger tracks about a mile north of here – big ones, too.”
Hunter: “Good! Which way is south?”
No Relays Necessary
“How’s collections at your church, Brother Jackson?”
“Well, we ain’t never had to stop in the middle of a collection to go an’ empty the box.”
“Do you notice any change in me?”
“I’ve just swallowed a nickel.”
“I vish I vas as religious as Abie.”
“He clasps his hands so tight in prayer he can’t get them open ven der collection box comes aroundt.”
Then the Teacher Laughed Out Loud
Teacher – “Who was that who laughed aloud?”
Pupil – “I did, sir; but I didn’t mean to do it.
Teacher – “You didn’t mean to do it?”
Pupil – “No, sir; I laughed in my sleeve, and I didn’t know there was a hole in my elbow.”
Uplifting Prayer Meetings
“Brethren,” said the Rev. Mr. Goodman, smiling benignantly at the congregation, “the janitor and I will hold our regular weekly prayer meeting next Wednesday evening, as usual. I scarcely need say that if any of you can spare the time to attend you will be heartily welcomed. We will sing the long-meter doxology, and be dismissed.”
How He Got One Hundred
Sammy was not a very good scholar, therefore his mother was both surprised and delighted when he came home one noon with the announcement, “I got 100 this morning.”
“That’s lovely, Sammy,” exclaimed his proud mother. “What was it in?”
“Fifty in readin’ and 50 in ‘rithmetic,” was Sammy’s prompt reply.
The judge looked over the prisoner, and said: “You are privileged to challenge any member of the jury now being impaneled.”
Hogan brightened. “Well, thin,” he said, “yer Honor, Oi’ll foight the small mon wid wan eye in the corner, there forninst ye.”
Could Be Done
“What time is it, sonny?” asked a traveler of a small boy.
“Almost 12 o’clock, sir,” replied the boy.
“I thought it was more.”
“It’s never any more here,” returned the lad in surprise. “It just begins at 1 again.”
A Flapper Omelette
1st Tramp: “Sometimes Gill, I sorta wish I’d been born a cannibal.”
2nd Tramp: “Wot; and eat people?”
1st Tramp: “Well, I dunno; but sometimes I git to wonderin’ wot a flapper would taste like.”
Too Much Conscience
Employer: “Why did you take down that ‘Do It Now’ sign hanging over your desk?”
Clerk: “I couldn’t stand the way the bill collectors looked at it when I told them to call tomorrow.”
“And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you?” he asked savagely.
“Yes, several,” the wife replied.
“Well, I only wish you had married the first fool who proposed.”
Teacher (to class crossly) – “Every time I start to say something, some fool talks.”
Was He a Kidder?
Matty – “I wonder if Professor Kidder meant anything by it.”
Charlie: “By what?”
Matty – “He advertised a lecture on ‘Fools’ and when I bought a ticket it was marked ‘Admit one.’”
Didn’t Know Him
A conjurer was about to perform a difficult trick. He bared his arms to the elbow and said: “To help me in the trick I need the services of a boy. Any boy will do; I’m not at all particular. Yes, yes, my little man; step right up on the platform; you’ll do nicely. First, though, you’ve never see me before, have you?”
“No, Papa,” piped the boy.
A reporter was misinformed, and the obituary of a live man appeared in the Dalby Tribune. Of course, the live man was more or less indignant about the error, and rushing to the telephone called the editor. “I see in your dirty old sheet that I am dead,” he snorted.
“Yes,” replied the editor. “Where are speaking from?”
Didn’t Know Why
There is no use trying to joke with a woman. The other day Jones heard a pretty good conundrum and decided to try it on his wife.
“Do you know why I am like a mule?” he asked her when he went home.
“No,” she replied promptly. “I know you are, but I don’t know why you are.”
Blinks: – “Do you always tell the truth?”
Jinks: – “No; I want a few friends, thank you.”