It was on a branch railway train. The ancient engine, having wheezed laboriously over equally ancient rails, jolted to a restful stop at no place in particular. Time passed tediously. Some of the passengers looked anxiously out of the window, while others drew their hats down over their eyes and tried to forget it. When half an hour had elapsed the conductor came along.
“Here, conductor,” said a querulous old gentleman, “what is the trouble?”
“We’re taking on water,” was the explanation.
“Oh, indeed?” snapped the old man. “Why on earth don’t you get another teaspoon?”
Patrick worked for a notoriously stingy boss and lost no chance to let the fact be known. One day a waggish friend, wishing to twit him, remarked:
“Pat, I hear your boss just gave you a brand new suit of clothes.”
“No,” said Pat, “only as par-rt of a suit.”
“The sleeves iv the vest!”
A German spy caught red-handed was on his way to be shot.
“I think you English are brutes,” he growled, “to march me through this rain and slush.”
“Well, said the ‘Tommy’ who was escorting him, “what about me? I have to go back in it.”
“Doctor Tanner made his fame by fasting.”
“That’s about the only profession a man could make a living at these days.”
What the Music Did
Following the musical program Mrs. J.T. Brown read an article on “Personal Devils.” Seventeen were present. – the Boone (Iowa) News-Republican.
“Horrors! While mother was sleeping the baby licked the paint –”
“Off a toy?”
“No, off mother.”
“And when you eloped with the girl,” asked a friend, “did her father follow you?”
“Did he?” said the young man. “Rather! He’s living with us yet!”
Young lady (with hopes): “What do you think is the fashionable color for a bride?’
Floorwalker: “Tastes differ, but I should prefer a white one.”
Mary Pickford, the “movie” actress, says:
“It is easy for a pretty girl to be good if she is rich, but a pretty girl who is poor has a lot of temptations. The pretty girl who is poor is a little bit in the position of the boy in the grocery shop.
“A grocer leaned over the counter and yelled at a boy who stood close to an apple barrel:
“‘Are you tryin’ to steal them apples, boy?”
“‘No – no, sir,’ the boy faltered. ‘I’m tryin’ not to!’”
Had It on Her
An anaemic elderly woman, who looked as if she might have as much maternal affection as an incubator, sized up a broad-shouldered cockney who was idly looking into a window on the Strand, and in a rasping voice said to him:
“My good man, why aren’t you in the trenches? Aren’t you willing to do anything for your country?”
Turning around slowly, he looked at her a second and replied contemptuously: “Move on, you slacker! Where’s your war baby?”
He was about to propose, but before doing so he wished to make sure she was a competent girl. So he asked her:
“Can you wash dishes?”
“Yes,” she said sweetly. “Can you wipe them?”
He didn’t propose.
A Cruel Farewell
He: “Then you are not interested in my welfare?”
She: “No, but if the two syllables were transposed I’d not only be interested but enthusiastic.”
Kept Him Busy
Little Harold came in the other day, crying and rubbing several bumps caused by a series of “butts” administered by a pet sheep.
“Well, Harold,” said his sympathetic auntie, “what did you do when the sheep knocked you down?”
“I didn’t do anything; I was getting up all the time.”
He: “I could die dancing with you, dear.”
She: “I am.”
Where There Was a Will
“My husband was a confirmed smoker when I married him a year ago, but today he never touches the weed.”
“Good!” said one of the group.
“To break off a lifetime habit like that requires a pretty strong will.”
“Well, that’s what I’ve got.”
The hardworking fancy dealer had vainly ransacked the whole of his shop in his efforts to please an old lady who wanted to purchase a present for her granddaughter. For the fifteenth time she picked up and critically examined a neat little satchel.
“Are you quite sure that this is a genuine alligator skin?” she inquired.
“Positive, madam,” quoth the dealer. “I shot the alligator myself.”
“It looks rather soiled,” said the lady.
“That, madam, is where it struck the ground when it fell off the tree.”