A Happy Family
Some of our “Sisterhood of States” have names that seem to me
Not quite so truly feminine as “sister” names should be,
With Ida Hoe and Della Ware and Louisa Anna, too,
I find no fault, and Florrie Dah and Tennie See will do.
Miss Souri, Mrs. Sippi and Virginia will pass,
While Allie Bama’s fairly good and Mary Land first class;
Besides, we’ve Callie Fornia and Minnie Sota; they
Have pleasant names quite good enough to give to girls today.
But any one who ponders on this theme must say, with me,
Ken Tucky and Con Necticut are boys’ names, don’t you see?
And so are several others; hence, our school books ought to tell
About our “Sisterhood of States” and “Brotherhood” as well.
“Willie” Collier, the comedian, was an irrepressible member of a barn-storming combination which, some ten years ago, did the “tank” towns of the middle West.
The company had been doing a poor business for several weeks when a certain town in Illinois was reached. Just before the curtain went up that night, Collier was standing at the curtain peephole, sizing up the audience.
“How’s the house, Willie?” asked another player.
“Well,” answered Collier, “there are some out there. But,” he added, impressively, “we’re still in the majority, old boy, still in the majority!”
“Look at me, eve’ybody; I’m ‘most as tall as a broom!”
A Study from Nature
Man’s a little chunk of ice;
Woman is the sun; she lets
Herself beam on him. How nice
And soft he gets!
A Lady’s Limit
“How long did the fight with your husband last?”
“About tin minutes, yer Honor. Sure no lady would keep at it any longer.”
“Ever been in Siberia?” asked the reporter.
“Er – yes,” answered the distinguished Russian refugee. “I took a knouting there last summer.”
The Sophisticated Youngsters
Now when we tell our children
That prancing reindeer take
Old Santa o’er the house tops,
They murmur, “Nature fake!”
From Constant Reader
Henry White, our Secretary of Embassy at Paris, tells of a brilliant reporter on a french journal who holds a strong objection to the note-book, dear to most of his associates.
The Parisian newspaper man wears large white cuffs, and on these is said to jot down such events as appeal to him, with suggestions for his subsequent articles. At first, the story runs, his laundress was much puzzled by these hieroglyphics, but as time went on she became able to read them, and apparently derived much benefit and pleasure therefrom.
One day the journalist received with his laundered garments a slip of paper on which was written:
“Your last washing was very interesting, but we should be glad to have you give us more political news.”
“‘T’ain’t fair! I’m the only boy on the block that ain’t got warts, or freckles, or cross-eyes, or something.”
Lobsters Served Promptly
Sapphedd – “A lobster in a hurry, waiter!”
Waiter – “Yes, sir; I’ll attend to you right away, sir!”
Rather High Flown
An amateur punster informs us that some houses have wings, and he has often seen a house fly. We thought no part of a house save the chimney flue.
A Martyr to Her Faith
Maud – “She is a woman who has suffered a good deal for her belief.”
Ethel – “Dear me! What is her belief?”
Maud – “She believes that she can wear a No. 3 shoe on a No. 6 foot.”
Mrs. Dyer – “What has become of Mrs. Higbee? I haven’t seen her for an age.”
Mrs. Ryer – “Well, you know she has only one afternoon out a week since she began keeping a servant!”
A Wise Sleuth
Chief Kohler of the Cleveland police has a detective who, if reports are true, works by investigation rather than by deduction.
It is said that this sleuth, examining a jeweler’s window that had been broken, muttered sagely:
“Umph! This is more serious than I thought. It’s broken on both sides.”
He Had His Opinion
A politician, trying to find out Ole Olson’s politics, asked, “What do you think, Ole, of Bryan running for President?”
Ole – “Ay tank Bryan make good President. Ay tank he be elected.”
Politician – “What do you think of Roosevelt running for a third term?”
Ole – “Ay tank Roosevelt make good President. Ay tank he be elected.”
Politician – “Who do you think has the best show?”
Ole – “Ay tank Ringling Brothers.”
At One Fell Swoop
“Have you got any of those preparations for removing superfluous hair?” asks the man who enters the drug-store with a firm tread and a set countenance.
“Yes, sir,” answers the druggist.
“Give me a pint. I want to use it on my head.”
“But, man, you haven’t got any superfluous hair on your head. You’re nearly bald now.”
“I know it. And I’ve got so aggravated and tired watching the confounded hair leaking off day by day that I want to remove the rest of it at one sweep and have the agony over.”
Cultivating the Power of Observation
“How many seed compartments are there in an apple?” he asked. No one answered. “And yet,” continued the school inspector, “all of you eat many an apple in the course of a year, and see the fruit every day, probably. You must learn to notice the little things in Nature.”
The talk of the inspector impressed the children, and at recess the teacher overheard them discussing it. A little girl, getting her companions around her, gravely said:
“Now, children, just suppose I am Mr. Robinson. You’ve got to know more about common things. If you don’t, you’ll all grow up to be fools. Now, tell me, Maggie,” she continued, looking sternly at a playmate, “how many feathers are there on a hen?”