Our regular Saturday dollop of jokes from old church magazines —
Wifey – “We have now been married 10 years, Jack, and not once in that time have I missed baking you a cake for your birthday. Have I?”
Jack – “No, pet. I can look back on those cakes as milestones in my life.”
In the Future
If times keep getting better there may yet be a car for every filling station.
Back to Normal
Nurse – “I think he’s regaining consciousness, doctor; he tried to blow the foam off his medicine.”
“How can you let your wife go round saying she made a man of you? My wife could never do that.”
“No, but she told my wife she did her best.”
Dead Letter Baritone
“Yes, sir, I’m a great singer.”
“Where did you learn to sing?”
“I graduated from a correspondence school.”
“Boy, you sure lost lots of your mail.”
The Timid Soul
Landlord to prospective tenant – “Have you any children?”
“Any dog, cat, or canary bird?”
“Piano, loud speaker, or phonograph?”
“No,” timidly, “but I have a fountain pen that scratches a little.”
Call a Plumber
City Boy – “Say, dad, how many kinds of milk are there?”
Father – “Well, there’s evaporated milk, buttermilk, malted milk, and – but why do you wish to know?
“Oh, I’m drawing a picture of a cow and I want to know how many spigots to put on her.”
Good as New
While a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbor’s little girl came in and watched the process. The child was holding a doll minus an arm and leg and much knocked about generally.
“How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother.
“My, but you’ve kept her nice!” exclaimed the little girl.
The doctor surveyed his patient with a critical eye.
“H’m,” he muttered, “you confess that you are bad-tempered, eh? I suppose I need not tell you that a bad temper is caused by an ugly little microbe?”
The patient gasped.
“‘Ssh!” he exclaimed. “For heaven’s sake, speak quietly, doctor. She’s sitting in the room next door.”
In Other Words, Please Remit
The rose is red, the violet blue,
This little bill is overdue.
So pay it now – don’t wait till when
The rose and violet bloom again;
For if you do delay it thus
No violet will bloom for us.
Unless you pay, the rose will rest
Upon a fair and manly chest;
The birds will sing, but what of that?
We will not hear where we are at –
So come across, we need the dough,
Not in the spring, but now, you know.
The rose is red, the violet blue –
Do we need cash? I’LL SAY WE DO!
“I understand your wife came from a fine old family.”
“‘Came’ is hardly the word – she brought it with her.”
Cruel, Cruel Shock
A girl of this day may not faint at hearing a risque story, or at the sight of a mouse, but we reckon the sight of a sink full of dishes to be washed would make her keel over in the good, old-fashioned style.
John – “Tom, what make of car do you call that one you have?”
Tom – “Well, it’s the old reliable type, the ‘R.F.D.’”
John – “What’s that?”
Tom – “Rescued from the dumps.”
Missed the Goal
“Jack was the goal of my ambition.”
“Father kicked the goal.”
Polite Soul: “Can I pick it up for you, ma’am?”
Petulant Shopper: “I doubt it, young man; them was eggs.”
Don’t Be Timid
Sergeant: “Did you shave this morning, Jones?”
Recruit: “Yes, sergeant.”
Sergeant: “Well, tomorrow morning stand a bit closer to the razor.”
In this family there was a large number of small children.
Little Willie, age six, was taken in one morning to see his father, who happened to be laid up with influenza. Little Willie was quiet, almost reverent, in the sickroom. When it was time for him to go, he went up to his father’s bedside and said:
“I bin good, ain’t I, pop?”
“Yes, son,” the old man whispered.
“Well, then, kin I see the baby?”
What to Do?”
Wife (waking up) – “John, I’m sure I heard a mouse squeaking somewhere.”
Husband (drowsily) – “Well, what do you want me to do – get up and oil it?”
Big Boss, Ltd.
The man who brags, “I run things in my house,” usually refers to the lawn mower, washing machine, vacuum sweeper, baby carriage and the errands.