Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1913 (4)
 


Funny Bones, 1913 (4)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - July 02, 2011

Real Enjoyment

Warden – “See here! What are you laughing at?”

Convict No. 999 – “Oh, I just happened to remember that I’ve got a note coming due today!”

Doesn’t Work There

“Say, ma, who said, ‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be’?”

“Some person who’d never lived in the suburbs, Tommie.”


The Main Point

“Pop, what is the difference between an artist and an artisan?”

“An artisan, my son, can usually make at least three dollars a day.”

Careless Talker

“I thought you said, Grouch, that you would never permit your wife to run an auto?”

“So I did; but she happened to hear me say it.”

Pertinent Question

Mistress – “Jane, we are going to have company for dinner, and I want to speak to you about the cooking.”

Maid – “Yessum; are they your relatives or your husband’s?”

Last Extremity

Clara – “May I borrow your beaded belt, dear?”

Bess – “Certainly. But why all this formality of asking permission?”

“I can’t find it.”

Tut, Tut

“You will forgive me if I – er – ask you something – something – ”

“Sure, I will. I knew you would be asking it soon.”

“Ah, you know what I am about to ask you? Your heart has told you what –”

“Sure, you’re going to ask me what time the last car goes by.”

In Their Steps

“Look here, now, Harold,” said a father to his little son, who was naughty, “if you don’t say your prayers you won’t go to Heaven.”

“I don’t want to go to Heaven,” sobbed the boy; “I want to go with you and mother.”

The Wiser Way

“No use locking the stable door after the horse is stolen.”

“I should say that was the very time to lock it. They might come back after the automobile.”

Fond Wish

“There’s one thing I want to see while I am in Europe.”

“And that is?”

“The Hungarian goulash in session.”

The Only Way

On one occasion, governor Oglesby, of Illinois, went down to Joliet to inspect the state prison, and in one of the cells he found a very ugly man. “How did you get in here?” asked Oglesby.

“Abduction,” was the reply; “I tried to run off with a girl, and they caught me.”

‘I’ll pardon you as soon as I get back to Springfield,” said the Governor; “I don’t see how you could expect to get a wife in any other way.”

Submerged

“He’s a deep thinker.”

“I guess so. None of his ideas ever get to the surface.”

Could It Be?

“What a marvelous insect a grasshopper is! He can jump one hundred times his length.”

“That’s nothing – I once saw a bee raise a two-hundred-pound man three feet in the air!”

An Orthodox Explanation

A mother was giving her little girl a bath, when she said, “I wonder where this dust on the water came from?”

Small Girl: “Perhaps I leak somewhere, mamma. You know, I’m made of dust.

Uncooked

The little child of the tenements was enjoying her first visit to the country and was enthusiastic in her admiration of the farmyard.

“Just look at the chickings!” she exclaimed in ecstasy. “They’re all running around raw!”

Engaged on the Spot

Merchant: Our salesman must show tact. Now, for instance, if a lady came into the shop, and asked to see some false hair, what would you say to her?”

Bright Boy: “I’d ask her what shade her – her friend preferred, an’ – ”

Merchant: “Enough! Name your own salary.”

Why?

“Religious folks are never boastful, are they, ma?”

“Certainly not, child. But what put that idea into your head?”

“I noticed, at the ‘experience’ meeting, that many told what religion had done for them, but did not mention that they had done anything for it.”

The Wrong License

The Stranger – “Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month?”

The Official – “Of course! What’s the matter?”

The Stranger – “I’ve lived a dog’s life ever since.”

The Odd Hair

Mr. Rinkpate (to barber) – “Part my hair in the middle, please.”

Barber – “Yes, sir! Shall I split the odd one, sir?”

The Skirt Brigade

‘Arf a hinch, ‘arf a hinch,
‘Arf a hinch honward,
‘Ampered by ‘obble skirts,
‘Opped the “400.”

Shrewd Jimmy

Jim – “Granny, do your specs magnify?”

Granny – ‘Oh, yes, they magnify a little.”

Jim – “Ah, well, would ‘e mind takin’ ‘em off when you cut my next piece o’ cake?”

An Egotist

Automobile Owner (after mishap in which puppy has been run over): “Madam, I will replace the animal.”

Indignant Owner: “Sir, you flatter yourself.”



5 Comments »

  1. I’ve experienced the “last extremity”. Good one.

    I’m surprised they had the word “suburbs” in 1913. I thought it was a modern word.

    These are very interesting.

    Comment by Carol — July 2, 2011 @ 11:33 am

  2. Unadulterated word-nerdism: Suburb was borrowed into English from Old French, and is first attested in English in 1382, meaning “outlying parts” (in the Bible, a Wycliffite translation of Ezekiel 45:2), with the first attestation as a collective plural unambiguously meaning “a residential area next to a city” appearing in a text dating from approximately 1387.

    Comment by David B — July 3, 2011 @ 4:38 pm

  3. Ha! Even a silly post can teach me something! Thanks.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — July 3, 2011 @ 4:43 pm

  4. Well, you know, it’s not just my profession, it’s also a compulsion. :)

    Comment by David B — July 3, 2011 @ 4:47 pm

  5. Are you serious? I thought that “urban” was the older word and “sub-urban” was the new invention when people moved out of the cities. That’s what I get for not looking it up, I guess.

    Comment by Carol — July 3, 2011 @ 8:19 pm

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