The Particular Way
Barber: “Do you want a hair cut, sir?”
Customer: “No. I want them all cut!”
Barber: “Any particular way, sir?”
Customer: “Yes, off!”
A Necessary Vacation
“Reggie is going to the country on Saturday.”
“For a week-end?”
“Yes; his head’s been bothering him.”
“When I was once in danger from a lion,” said the old African explorer, “I tried sitting down and staring at him, as I had no weapons.”
“How did it work?” asked his companion.
“Perfectly. The lion didn’t even offer to touch me.”
“Strange! How do you account for it?”
“Well, sometimes I’ve thought it was because I sat down on the branch of a very tall tree.”
A Good Diagnosis
“You look like an idiot,” thundered the disgusted man to his elite son, just returned from college. “You grow more and more like a conceited hare-brained helpless idiot.”
Just then an acquaintance of the old gentleman entered the office and saw the youth. “Hello, Charlie, back, eh?” exclaimed the visitor. “You’re looking more and more like your father every year.”
“Yes,” said Charlie. “That’s just what the governor’s been telling me.”
Delivering the Goods
Imagine a husband getting this message: He was a traveling salesman and got this wire from his wife: “Twins arrived tonight. More by mail.”
Wanted the Right Kind
Mrs. Murphy: “I want to see some mirrors.”
Shopwalker: “Hand mirrors, madam?”
Mrs. Murphy: “No. Some that you can see your face in.”
Preparing for an Emergency
“I told her I was going to kiss her once for every step of the way home.”
“And what did she do?”
“She went upstairs and put on a hobble skirt.”
A Joke on Pat
Pat had died, and Mike, while seated with the rest of the mourners, burst into laughter. When he returned home, his wife said to him, “What was the idea of laughing at Pat’s funeral?”
“Well, about two weeks ago, Pat told me he didn’t believe in heaven or hell, and while I looked at him lying there so peacefully, it just came to me that he was all dressed up and no place to go.”
All Right for Geraniums
An English temperance lecturer displayed to his audience two geraniums. The first had been watered in the usual way. The other had been dosed with alcohol and its foliage was shriveled and sparse, its stem twisted and its vitality decayed.
“Now, ladies and gentlemen,” cried the lecturer, “what can you say to a demonstration like that?”
“It’s all right,” said a shabby man in the front row, “and if I were a geranium I’d stick to water; but, you see, I ain’t a geranium.”
Where He Was Bold
Gladys: “So your husband took you to a football match?”
Mae: “Yes. I wish I could make him talk to the cook the way he talked to the referee.”
“There’s a story in this paper of a woman that used a telephone for the first time in eighty-three years.”
“She must have been on a party line.”
Can You Say This Quickly?
Betty Botta bought a bit of butter. “But,” she said, “this butter’s bitter. If I buy a bit of better butter, it will make this bit of bitter butter better!” So she bought a bit of better butter, and it made her bit of bitter butter better!
May and Peter, while out walking, met a vicious bulldog, and Peter’s conduct in the next few moments left much to be desired.
When they had passed safely, May turned to him and said reproachfully: “Why, Peter, you said you would face death for me.”
“I know I did,” answered Peter, “and I meant it. But that bulldog wasn’t dead.”
A Wise Discretion
“Why do you turn out for every road hog that comes along?” said the wife, rather crossly. “That right of way is ours, isn’t it?”
“Oh, undoubtedly!” answered he, calmly. “As for our turning out, the reason is plainly suggested in this epitaph which appeared in a newspaper recently:
Here lies the body of William Jay
Who died maintaining his right of way.
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong.
One day a man went to call on his neighbor, and on arriving there rang the door bell. The neighbor’s wife answered the door.
“Is your husband at home?” asked the visitor.
“Yes, he’s out in the barn yard with the pigs; he’s the one with the hat on.”
The proprietor of a second hand shop was not so tidy as he had once been. One day while standing in front of the shop a man approached him and said:
“Have ye any clean shirts in yer shop?”
“Sure, I have,” answered the clothing man, anxious for a sale. “Lots of them, as clean as anything.”
“Well,” said the man, moving away, “go in and put one of them on.”
“De Forrest is my particular friend,” jangled Mr. A.
“If he were particular,” snapped Mr. B., he wouldn’t be your friend.”