The teacher was examining the class in psychology.
“Mary, will you tell us,” she said, “what is the function of the stomach?”
“The function of the stomach,” the little girl answered, “is to hold up the petticoat.”
“Now we’re engaged, Albert, you’ll give me a ring, won’t you?”
“Aye! What’s your number?”
Recently the following testimonial was received by a patent medicine concern: “For nine years I was totally deaf, and after using your ear salve for only 10 days I heard from my brother in Nebraska.”
A gentleman, having paid his respects to a lady for some time, popped the question. The lady, in the customary manner said, “You scare me, sir!”
The gentleman didn’t wish to frighten the lady and consequently remained silent for some time, when she exclaimed, “Scare me again!”
Joe: “Where’d you get the black eye?”
Sam: “Got it from kissin’ the bride.”
Joe: “Well, that’s all right, isn’t it?”
Sam: “Not two months after she’s married.”
A Bad Break
A banquet was being held in a room, the walls of which were adorned with many beautiful paintings. A college professor was responding to a toast. Wishing to compliment the ladies who were present, he waved his hand toward the paintings and said, “What need is there of these painted beauties on the wall when we have so many with us at this table?”
Who Was the Honest One?
“It’s so hard to find an honest maid,” she complained. “The last one I had left without notice and took with her six of my best towels – those lovely ones we brought back from the Waldorf-Astoria last summer.”
Wanted to Know
A sergeant was drilling a recruit squad in the use of the rifle. Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed. Recruits were instructed to load their guns and stand at “Ready.” And then the sergeant gave the command, “Fire at will.”
One recruit lowered his gun. “Which one is Will?” he asked.
A Little Hazy
Conductor: “That’s all right, Professor, if you can’t find the ticket, I know you. Just turn it in when you find it.”
Professor: “Why, thank you very much, but I simply must find it. I have to know where I’m going.”
“Harry fainted at the club the other night.”
“Well, did he kick the bucket?”
“No, he only turned a little pale.”
Why, Oh Why?
Why do they put so many holes in Swiss cheese when it’s the limburger that needs ventilation?
Becoming an Art
Doctor (complacently): “You cough more easily this morning.”
Patient (garrulously): “I should. I’ve been practicing all night.”
A curious inquirer wanted to know “what are the sister states?” and the brilliant country editor answered:
“We are not quite sure, but we should judge they are Miss Ouri, Ida Ho, Mary Land, Callie Fornia, Allie Bama, Louisa Anna, Della Ware, Minnie Sota and Mrs. Sippi.”
Dad’s Old Ones
A Kindergarten class was having a lesson on sheep. The teacher was trying to impress on their minds the fact that the sheep give us wool for our clothing. Turning to a little boy, she said, “See, Tommy has a nice new pair of pants the sheep gave him.”
Immediately Tommy spoke up and said, “No, they didn’t. Mom made ‘em out of Dad’s old ones.”
They Pull Together
“Papa, why is it that dentists call their offices dental parlors?”
“Because they are drawing rooms, my son.”
He Was Still Hungry
“Crop failure?” was asked the old timer.
“Yep, I’ve seen a few of ‘em in my day. Now in 1884 the corn crop was purt’ nigh nothing. We cooked some for dinner one day, and Pa ate fourteen acres of corn at one meal.”
It Will Cure Him
Patient: “Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up — something to put me in fighting trim. Did you put something like that in this prescription?”
Doctor: “No, you will find that in the bill.”
“Did you present your account to the defendant?” asked the lawyer of his client.
“I did, sir.”
“And what did he say?”
“He told me to go to the devil.”
“And what did you do then?”
“Well, then I came to you.”
The Prodigal Son
A Sunday School teacher had just finished telling her Kindergarten class the story of The Prodigal Son. She had told how the father had killed the fatted calf and then she asked, “What do you think the mother did for her boy?”
One little fellow spoke up in a lisping voice and said, “Th’she gave him a thpanking.”
“When I arose to speak,” related the statesman, “someone threw a base cowardly egg at me.”
“And what kind of an egg might that be?” asked an attentive young listener.
“A base cowardly egg,” explained the statesman, “is one that hits you and then runs.”