Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1936 (4)
 


Funny Bones, 1936 (4)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - June 04, 2011

A Riddle

“Pa, what’s the difference between a hill and a pill?”

“I don’t know, my son, unless it’s that a hill is high and a pill is round; is that it?”

“Naw! A hill is hard to get up, and a pill is hard to get down.”

In 1940

“Hey, what’s all the excitement?”

“A horse just dropped dead – he saw another horse and was scared to death!”

Wider, Please

Dentist: “Which tooth do you want extracted?”

Pullman Porter: “Lower seven.”

The Optimist

Hungry Customer (standing at lunch counter): “One roast beef sandwich.”

Polite Waiter: “Will you eat it here or take it with you?”

Hungry Customer: “I hope to do both.”

Remedy

Scotchman: “Doctor, what can I do to prevent seasickness?”

Doctor: “Have you a dime?”

Scotchman: “Yes, sir.”

Doctor: “Well, hold it between your teeth.”

Somewhat Heady

Harold: “Who the deuce do you think you are, anyway?”

Mike: “Who, me? I’m just a little dandruff trying to get ahead.”

When Maude Gets Left

“Doesn’t that mule ever kick you?”

“No, suh, he ain’t yet, but he frequently kicks de place where Ah recently was.”

Recognized

First Farmer: “I’ve got a freak on my farm. It’s a two-legged calf.”

Second Farmer: “Yes, I know. He came over to call on my daughter last night.”

The Works

The Sunday drivers had picked the farmer’s fruit and his flowers, and their car was full of plunder. Pointing to an unexplored highway, they inquired of the farmer:

“Shall we take this road back to the city?”

“You might as well,” replied the farmer, “you’ve got almost everything else!”

Repeat Business

Diner: “Waiter, I was here yesterday and had a steak.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir; will you have the same today?”

Diner: “Well, I might as well, if no one else is using it.”

Oh, Doctor!

Dr. Lancett: “I find that you have acute appendicitis.”

Miss Sapley: “Oh, doctor, you are such a flatterer!”

Disappointed

Sellmore: “But surely you are not going to let your husband’s insurance lapse after all this time?”

Mrs. Donnick: “I’ll say I am. I’ve paid on it for nine years and I ain’t had no luck yet.”

Brevity

“I am a woman of few words,” announced the haughty mistress to the new maid.  If I beckon with my finger, that means come.”

“Suits me, mum,” replied the girl. “I’m a woman of few words myself. If I shake me head, that means I ain’t comin’.”

Sh-h!

Husband (hearing burglars downstairs): “Sh-h, dear. This is going to be a battle of brains.”

Wifey: “How brave of you, dear, to go unarmed.”

Barber-ism

Barber: “Was your tie red when you came in here?”

Customer: “No, it wasn’t!”

Barber: “Gosh, I must have cut your throat!”

Generous

“If I marry you,” said she, “will you let me keep my job at the office?”

“Will I let you?” he replied. “Dearest, I’m depending on it.”

Tender-Hearted

Freshman: “We sure have a fine land-lady. She saved me the most tender part of the chicken when I was late for dinner yesterday.”

Sophy: “What part was that?”

Freshman: “The gravy.”

Knocked Out

Officer Zoole (stopping car with lady driver): “Say! Where is the fire?”

Miss Coolsby: “In your eyes, you great big gorgeous policeman.”

The Retort Courteous

Jim: “I wonder why women pay more attention to beauty than brains?”

Elsie: “Because no matter how stupid a man is he is seldom blind.”

At the Theatre

Youth (to fair companion): “Have you ever tried listening to a play with your eyes shut?”

Voice (from the row behind): “Have you tried listening to one with your mouth shut?”

Strong Arm in Demand

Mrs. Heck: “I wonder, Mrs. Peck, if I could borrow your rug-beater.”

Mrs. Peck: “I’m sorry, Mrs. Heck, but he doesn’t get home till five o’clock.”

Look Out for Squalls

Ikey and Rachel took little Moses to the pictures. The attendant warned them that unless the child kept quiet they would have to leave and get their money back.

Half-way through the principal film Ikey turned to Rachel and whispered, “Vell, vot do you tink of it?”

“Rotten,” replied Rachel.

“Yes,” answered Ikey. “Pinch de baby.”

Tact

Young Taggert, calling on his best girl one night, was faced by a poser when she suddenly asked: “Jerry, which do you like best, an ugly woman with great intelligence or a pretty one without brains?”

But Jerry was wise and didn’t intend to get caught on that one. “Mary, dear,” he replied quick as a flash, “I prefer you to either one.”



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