Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1937 (4)
 


Funny Bones, 1937 (4)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - May 28, 2011

Joys of Motoring

Amiable Victim (bowled over by automobile): “I’m perfectly all right. Thank you. I’m not a bit hurt.”

Motorist: “I say, you’re behaving jolly well about it. It is a real pleasure to knock down a thorough sportsman like you.”

He Proved It

Sally: “Napoleon must have been quite a boy in his day.”

Hopemore: “Mebbe so, but he’s a bust now.”

—oooOooo—

Phrenologist: “From these bumps I can see that you are touchy and quarrelsome.”

Crabshaw: “Me, touchy and quarrelsome? Say that again and I’ll wring your neck.”

Lunch Talk

Mrs. Highbrow: “I hope you liked those queer little Chinese back-scratchers I sent you from the Orient, dear.”

Mrs. Chubbwitt: “Is that what they are? Mercy! I’ve been making my poor husband eat his salad with them.”

Both the Same

Asker: “When the Judge ruled that Bjones had to pay alimony, how did he feel about it?”

Tellett: “Chagrined.”

Asket: “And how did his wife feel about it?”

Tellett: “She grinned.”

The Nut Catcher

Son: “Say, dad, how do they catch lunatics?

Dad (gruffly): “With face powder, rouge, pretty clothes and a sweet smile, my boy.”

Spring Planting

Jorkins: “What are you burying in that hole? You act rather suspicious.”

Neighbor Duff: “Just replanting some of my garden seeds, old man.”

Jorkins: “Seeds! That looks more like one of my white leghorn hens.”

Duff: “That’s all right, the seeds are inside of her.”

Well Trained

Vicar: “I have never christened a child who has behaved as well as yours.”

Mother (beaming): “I have been getting him used to it with the watering can the last week.”

Try Quarter-of-Five Next Time

“What time does the next train come in?” asked Robert, aged 6, of an old rural depot agent.

“Why, you young rascal. I’ve told you five times before it comes in at 4:44.”

“I know it,” said Robert, “but I like to see your whiskers wobble when you say 4:44.”

Undecided

She: “How did you get all banged up?”

He: “Skiing.”

she: “What happened?”

He: “I couldn’t decide which side of the tree to go around.”

I Do, Your Honor

Judge (in dentist’s chair): “Do you swear that you will pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”

Practice Makes Perfect

“Melvin – Melvin!”

“What?”

“Are you spitting in the fish bowl?”

“No, but I been coming pretty close.”

Hopeless

Patient: “My wife objects to my sleeping with my mouth open. What can I do about it?”

Examining Doctor: “Nothing, I’m sorry to say. Your skin is too tight; when you shut your eyes it pulls your mouth open.”

Colorful

A well-dressed man had sat down on a newly painted seat. Furious, he said to the painter: “Why don’t you put ‘Wet Paint’ on your seats?”

“That’s what I’m doing, ain’t I?” replied the painter.

Put to the Test

Harold – “I’ll bet you would marry the biggest fool in the world if he only asked you.”

Elsie – “Just ask me and see.”

Dangerous Curves

“The Lincoln Highway has signs all along warning the petters.”

“What do the signs say?”

“Beware of soft shoulders.”

Indifferent

Gus: “The horn on your car must be broken.”

Mr. —: “No, it’s just indifferent.”

Gus: “Indifferent! What do you mean?”

Mr. —: “It just doesn’t give a hoot.”

The End of Argument

Son – “What does a ‘better half’ mean, Dad?”

Dad: “Just what she says, my boy.”

Dry

A tourist traveling through the Texas Panhandle got into conversation with an old settler and his son at a filling station. “Looks as tho’ we might have rain,” said the tourist. “Well, I hope so,” replied the native, “not so much for myself as for my boy here. I’ve seen it rain.”

Lost and Found

“Has anybody ever been lost in crossing here?” asked a timid woman, who had hired a boatman to ferry her across a river.

‘No’m,” was the reply. “My brother was drowned here last week, but we found him next day.”

Just for Love

Pete – “Have you ever loved before?”

Silly Sally – “No, dear. I have often admired men for their strength, courage, good looks, or intelligence, but with you, Pete, it is all love – nothing else.”

Fast Action Needed

A young lady rushed into a drug store and asked: “Do you sell films for pocket moving picture cameras?”

“Certainly,” said the clerk.

“Then give me one, quick! Father’s being chased by a bull.”

It All Depends

Visitor: “If your mother gave you a large apple and a small one and told you to divide with your brother, which apple would you give him?”

Johnny: “D’ye mean my big brother or my little one?”

Just the Same

Squad Leader: “I heard the battalion commander called you a blockhead. Is that correct?”

Plebe: “No, sir, he didn’t make it that strong. He just said, ‘Pull down your cap, here comes a woodpecker.’”

No Choice

“Did I leave an umbrella here yesterday?”

“What kind of an umbrella?”

“Oh, any kind. I’m not fussy.”



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