Back Again

“What is your brother in college?”

“A halfback.”

“I mean in studies.”

“Oh, in studies he’s away back.”

Fast to Something

Passenger (testily): “is this a fast train?”

Conductor (proudly): “It sure is!”

Passenger: “Well, what’s it fast to?”

Oh, Helen!

George: “Do you know who that sweet little girl is that I’ve been dancing with all evening?”

Helen: “Why, yes, that’s mother.”

Taking It Easy

Brown: “I hear Jones is letting the rest of the world go by.”

Greene: “Retired, eh?”

Brown: “No, bought a second-hand flivver.”

A Long Wait

Diner: “Are you the young lady who took my order?”

Waitress: “Yes, sir.”

Diner: “Well, you’re still looking fine. How are all your grandchildren?”

A Sure Shot

Inquisitive: “Ellen, what’s become of old Simon?”

Ellen: “He done die with lead poisoning.”

Inquisitive: “Lead poisoning? I didn’t know Simon was a painter.”

Ellen: “No, sir, he was in the chicken business.”

A Sure Remedy

“Where are you running?”

“To stop a fight.”

“Who’s fighting?”

“Oh, just me and another freshman.”

Quite Plane

Bill: “You are just like an airplane.”

Phil: “Why, ‘cause I fly so high?”

Bill: “No, you’re no use on earth.”

Noah’s Trials

When Noah sailed the ocean blue,
He had his troubles, same as you;
For days and days he drove the ark
Before he found a place to park.

Strange!

“Don’t you suffer with the heat in summer?”

“Yes, indeed; more than in any other season of the year.”

A Bad Sign

Doctor: “Your father seems hale and hearty at the age of 104.”

Mountaineer: “Yep, but pap’s slippin’ terrible. T’other day I heard him say he reckoned he’d take up the game of golf.”

Not Quite Certain

“Are you sure it was a marriage license you gave me last month?”

“Certainly, sir; why?”

“Because I’ve led a dog’s life ever since.”

No Danger

The young husband was anxiously awaiting news of the birth of his first child. He was pacing up and down the hall when the doctor came out and told him to control himself or else take a walk around the block.

“But I tell you, I’m scared to death,” protested the young man.

“You needn’t be,” replied the doctor. “I’ve brought more than 2,000 babies into the world and I haven’t lost a father yet.”

Competition

Mount Etna is active, but Mussolini will no doubt suppress it at the proper time.

An Accurate Description

Paul: “I had an awful fright at the Nixon last night.”

Tony: “I know it. I saw you with her.”

A Female Barkis

He: “You should see the altar in our church.”

She: “Lead me to it!”

The Cupboard Was Bare

Cannibal Prince (rushing in): “Is it too late for dinner?”

Cannibal King: “Yes, everybody’s eaten.”

Vanquished

Magistrate (severely, to old offender): “So you’ve been fighting your wife again. Liquor?”

Prisoner: “No, she licked me!”

A Copyist

Teacher (sternly): “This essay on ‘Our Dog’ is word for word the same as your brother’s.”

Small boy: “Yes, sir, it’s the same dog.”

Nothing Worth Losing

A gentleman went into a store one day and asked to see a good grade of suspenders. The merchant showed him a pair and said, “These are the best I have.”

“Well,” said the gentleman, “they won’t do. They are not strong enough.”

“But,” continued the merchant, “they will cost you only 25 cents. Surely, at that price, a man wouldn’t be losing much.”

“Not unless he lost his pants,” replied the gentleman as he walked out.”

Out of ‘Em

An old woman, after waiting in a confectionery store for about ten minutes, grew grossly impatient at the lack of service. Finally she rapped sharply on the counter. “Here, young lady,” she called, “who waits on the nuts?”

He Had Grown

Employer: “Aren’t you the boy who applied for this position two weeks ago?”

Boy: “Yes, sir.”

Employer: “And didn’t I say I wanted an older boy?”

Boy: “Yes, sir; that’s why I’m here now.”

Something of Value

“Now, Tommy,” said Mrs. Ball. “I want you to be good while I’m out.”

“I’ll be good for a nickel,” answered Tommy.

“Now, Tommy,” replied his mother, “you can never be a real son of mine unless you are good for nothing.”