Under Sea Warfare
Mrs. Porpoise (meeting friend in North Sea): “You’re looking well, my dear. And how’s your husband?”
Mrs. Whale (beginning to blubber): “Poor fellow. He’s gone all to pieces!”
Mrs. Porpoise: “Dear me! What happened to him?”
Mrs. Whale: “One evening at twilight he mistook a torpedo for something edible!”
“I am a firm believer in advertising,” said a great advertising expert. “I impute a great part of my own success to it.
“When a duck lays an egg,” he said, “she waddles back to the duck pond in indifferent silent. But when a hen lays an egg her frantic cackles make it known.
“The hen advertises.
“And that, my dear friends, is why the world eats hen’s eggs instead of duck eggs!”
A New Definition
“Now, Dorothy,” said the teacher to a small pupil, “can you tell me what a panther is?”
“Yeth, ma’am,” lisped Dorothy. “A panther ith a man that makths panths.”
First Hand Information
It has been dubiously affirmed that a disciple of Mrs. Eddy once found a little boy crying by the roadside and asked him what the matter was. With much blubbering and moaning he managed to tell her that he had eaten some green apples and was suffering pain.
“But, my little man, you are not really suffering. You only think so,” said this metaphysical “Good Samaritan.”
“Excuse me for contradicting you; but I’ve got inside, information,” the boy replied.
Artist’s wife (during quarrel): “You were quite obscure before I married you.”
Artist: “You didn’t have any trouble in finding me.”
He Knew Where It Was
“Are you in pain, my little man?” asked the kind old gentleman.
“No,” answered the boy; “the pain’s in me.”
Professor (in history): “How was Alexander II of Russia killed?”
Freshman: “By a bomb.”
Professor: “How do you account for that?”
Freshman: “It exploded.”
And With Little Effort
“It’s wonderful what some insects can do. A grasshopper can jump one hundred times its length.”
“That’s nothing; I once saw a wasp raise a two-hundred pound man three feet on the ground.”
The Pass Word
Sentry: “Halt! Who goes there?”
Sentry: “Pass, Charlie; all’s well.”
Who Was He?
“Father,” said a boy of twelve, “who was Shylock?”
“What!” exclaimed his father, “have I sent you to Sunday School for the past six or seven years, only to have you ask me who Shylock was! Shame on you! Get your Bible and find out this minute!”
A Sensitive Ear
Hubby (angrily): “Here! What do you mean by waking me out of a sound sleep?”
Wife: “Because the sound was too distressing.”
She: “Why do they paint the inside of a chicken coop?”
He: “To keep the hens from picking the grain out of the wood.”
And the Nurse Was Offended
Doctor: “Well, Casey, are the eyes improving?
Patient: “Sure, they are, sir.”
Doctor: “Can you see better? Can you see the nurse now?”
Patient: “Sure, I can, sir. Faith, she gets plainer and plainer ivery day.”
“I wonder where those clouds are going?”
“I think they are going to thunder.”
In a Flat
Prospective Tenant (dubiously): “Well, I’ll take this place. It has modern improvements, and so forth, as you say, but I don’t like that ugly crack in the wall over there.”
Janitor (hastily): “Crack, sir? Why, that’s the private hall!”
The Has and the Are
I’d rather be a could Be,
If I could not be an Are!
For a Could Be is a May Be,
With a chance of touching par.
I’d rather be a Has Been
Than a Mighty Have Been, by far,
For a Might Have Been, has never been,
But a Has was once an Are.
They were holding a midyear examination in one of the schools. The subject was geography. One of the questions was, “What is the equator?”
“The equator,” read the answer of the nine-year-old boy, “is a menagerie lion running round the center of the earth.”
“We are informed that the gentleman who stood on his head under a pile-driver for the purpose of having a tight pair of butes druv on, found himself the next day in Chiny, perfectly naked and without a cent in his pockets.”
“I am delighted to meet you,” said the father of a sophomore to Bro. Cornwall. “My son took algebra from you last year, you know.”
“Pardon me,” Cornwall said, “he was exposed to it, but he didn’t take it.”
It Often Happens
The rich man, in his years of toil,
Burned barrels and barrels of midnight oil;
His heirs now keep his memory green
By burning midnight gasoline.
What the Cricket Needed
A three-year-old boy became interested in a peculiar noise, and asked what it was.
“A cricket, dear,” replied his mother.
“Well,” remarked the little chap, “he ought to get himself oiled.”
“Who is the smartest boy in your class, Bobby?” asked his uncle.
“I’d like to tell you,” answered Bobby, modestly, “only father says I must not boast.”