Real Dry Spell
A tourist who was traveling through the Kalahari Desert happened to meet an old inhabitant and his son.
“It looks as though it’s going to rain.”
“Well, I hope so, not so much for myself as for my boy. I’ve seen it rain.”
“She told me you told her that secret I told you not to tell her,” said Madge.
“The mean thing!” replied Charles. “I told her not to tell you I told her.”
“Well, I promised her I wouldn’t tell you she told me, so don’t tell her I did.”
A certain truck operator was informed that he could not get his money until he had submitted an itemized statement for a hauling job. After much meditation he scribbled the following bill:
“3 comes and 3 goes at 4 bits a went – $3.”
Little May had just returned home form the circus and her grandmother asked her what animal she liked the best.
“Oh, the big elephant,” she said. “You ought to see him pick up the buns with his vacuum cleaner.”
Changed His Mind
A man consulted a real estate agent for a write-up of the property he wanted to sell. When the agent submitted his description of the property, the owner exclaimed: “Read that again.” After the second reading, the owner said:
“I don’t think I’ll sell. I’ve been looking for that kind of place all my life, but until you read that description I didn’t know I had it.”
A young doctor, trying to be sentimental before a mother’s club meeting, said: “In all this world there is nothing so sweet as a little smile on the face of an upturned child.”
His Own Language
Teacher: “Repeat in your own words: “I see the cow. The cow can run. The cow is pretty.’”
Tough Mike: “Lamp de cow. Ain’t she a beaut? An’ say, baby, she sure can step.”
A “Catch” In It!
Landlady – “I’m sorry the chicken soup isn’t good. I explained to the cook very carefully how to make it but perhaps she didn’t catch the idea.”
Boarder – “It tastes to me as if it was the chicken she didn’t catch.”
Cow for Sale
The late Bill Nye offered a cow for sale. Here is the advertisement which he inserted in the papers:
“Owing to ill health, I will sell at my residence in township 19, range 18, according to government survey, one plush raspberry cow, aged 8 years. She is a good milker and not afraid of the cars or anything else. She is of undaunted courage and gives milk frequently. To the man who does not fear death in any form she would be a great boon. She is very much attached to her house at present by means of a stay chain, but she will be sold to anyone who will agree to use her right. She is one-fourth Shorthorn and three-fourths hyena. I will also throw in a double-barrel shotgun which goes with her. In May she generally goes away for a week or two and returns with a tall red calf with wobbly legs. Her name is Rose. I would rather sell her to a non-resident.”
There will be slight changes in infants’ wear from day to day.
That Little “But”
Sick Man – ‘How are my chances, doctor?”
Doctor – “Pretty good, but – er – don’t start reading any continued stories.”
Shadbelly – “There’s only one honest way of making a living.”
Sowerbier – “Why, how’s that?”
Shadbelly – “I thought you wouldn’t know.”
A Harmonious Pair
Young Wife – “It’s a shame. Not a thing in the house that’s fit to eat. I’m going straight home to mamma.”
Husband – “I believe I’ll go with you.”
A Fair Discount
Her Father: “You are going to marry that insignificant little fellow! Why, you used to say you would never marry a man less than six feet high.”
Daughter: “Oh, I know, Dad. But I decided to take off twenty per cent for cash.”
Painting the Lily
Cookery Hint: The taste of an onion can be improved greatly by adding a pound of steak to it
Bouquet with a String to It
“Is it true, Miss Elderleigh, that you are going to be married soon?”
“Well, no, it isn’t. But I am very grateful for the rumor.”
Getting Down to Hard Pan
The Vicar (appealing from the pulpit on behalf of the Christmas dinner fund) – “What we want, my friends, is not abstract sympathy, but concrete plum puddings.”
Johnnie: “Why does the whistle blow for a fire?”
Billy: “It doesn’t blow for the fire, it blows for water. They’ve got the fire.”
Both Scots Won
Two Scotsmen went fishing, with an understanding that the first one to catch a fish was to buy the drinks. One got a bite that almost broke his line, but he refused to pull up. The other was fishing without bait.
‘Sponsin’ Pigs Had Wings
Mabel: “What’s worrying you, David?”
David: “I was just wonderin’ if Dad would see to the milkin’ while we’re on our honeymoon, supposin’ you said ‘yes’ if I asked you.”
Caspar Milquetoast, Jr.
Farmer: “Hi, there! What are you doing up in my cherry-tree?’
Youngster: “Dere’s a notice down dere to keep off de grass.”