Hub: “What are these chops – lamb or pork?”
Wife: “Can’t you tell by the taste?”
Wife: “Well, then, what difference does it make?”
“It may seem queer,” said Mr. Burke,
“But you can bet it’s so.
An idle rumor does more work
Than anything I know.”
“It was a dreadful moment,” said the dentist. “I was bathing quietly, when the great cavernous jaws of the shark opened before me.”
“What did you do?” asked one of the ladies.
“I took my forceps out of the pocket of my bathing suit and pulled his teeth before he had a chance to seize me. It was the quickest and neatest bit of work I ever did.”
“For Sale: A Guernsey Cow; gives good quality milk, also rope, pulleys, stoves and refrigerators.” – Stafford Kansas Courier.
“Mama, why has papa no hair?”
“Because he thinks so much, my dear.”
“But why have you so much?”
“Because – go away and do your lessons, you naughty boy.”
An Irishman asked at the railway station for a ticket to Toronto.
“Do you want a ticket one way or one that will take you there and back?”
The Irishman looked at him suspiciously for a moment, then said:
“What do I want a ticket there and back for whin I’m ‘ere already?”
A Rough Road
A traveler in the dining-car of a new railway had ordered fried eggs for breakfast.
“Can’t give yo’ fried aigs, boss,” the negro waiter informed him, “lessen yo’ want to wait till we stops.”
“Why, how is that?”
“Well, de cook he says de road’s so rough dat ebery time he tries to fry aigs dey scrambles.”
A certain newspaper that made a practice of answering inquiries from readers received this one:
“Please tell me what is the matter with my chickens. They go to roost apparently well. The next morning we find one or more on the floor, stiff, combs white and feet in the air.”
It was the editor’s busy day, and this is the answer his reader received:
“Dear Sir, Your chickens are dead.”
A soldier from the front applied to the hotel for a job as cook.
“What can you cook?” asked the hotel man.
“Anything, sir,” was the reply.
“Well, how do you make hash?”
“You don’t make it, sir,” said the soldier. “It just accumulates.”
Patience and Perseverance
John: “Patience and perseverance accomplish all things!”
Tom: “Nonsense! Will patience and perseverance ever enable you to carry water in a sieve?”
Tom: “I should like to know how?”
John: “Simply by waiting for the water to freeze.”
What Did She Mean?
“Gosh!” exclaimed Mr. Gabb. “Just look at the face on Mr. Naylor! Did you ever see such a homely man in your life?”
“Hush, my dear,” smiled Mrs. Gabb, sweetly. “You forget yourself.”
Mrs. Benham – “As the story goes, Rip Van Winkle slept for twenty years.”
Benham – “I wonder if his breakfast was ready when he woke up?”
Two Years Advantage
Grandma: “Why do you insist upon having the bigger share of the pudding, Jimmy? Isn’t your older brother entitled to it?”
Small Boy: “No, he isn’t. He was eating pudding two years before I was born.”
Before and After
Sharp – “Before their marriage she gave him a beautiful book, ‘A Perfect Gentleman.’”
Whealton – “Any change after a year of married life?”
Sharp – “Yes; last Christmas she gave him a book entitled ‘Wild Animals I Have Met.’”
Hard to Tell
Helen annoyed her father with questions while he tried to read the newspaper. One evening, among other things, she demanded:
“Papa, what do you do at the store all day?”
“Oh,” he answered briefly, “nothing.”
Helen was silent a moment, the asked:
“But how do you know when you are done?”