Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1923 (3)
 


Funny Bones, 1923 (3)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - April 16, 2011

Whew!

“Where is the onion counter?”

“Three sniffs to the right.”

Stung!

Jackie – “Ikey, you should put the curtains down when you kiss your wife; I saw you last night.”

Ikey – “De chokes on you, Jackie; I wasn’t home last night.”

He Knew Father

Visitor – “How do you do, Tommy? I’ve come to stay at your home a week, and I’m sure you can’t guess who I am.”

Tommy – “I’ll bet you one thing.”

Visitor – “What?”

Tommy – “I’ll bet you’re no relation of father’s.”

Weather Bulletins

“When Ah had de influenzays Ah had a chill that was so col’ dat Ah froze all de waterpipes in de horsepittle.”

“Ain’t nothin’. When Ah had de fever mah mouth done melted de doctah’s thumometah an’ Ah had to wear asbestos pajamjams to keep from bu’nin’ de sheets.”

He Knew

“Little boy,” asked the well-meaning reformer, “is that your mamma over yonder with the beautiful set of furs?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the bright lad.

“Well, do you know what poor animal it is that has had to suffer in order that your mamma might have the furs with which she adorns herself proudly?”

“Yes, sir; my papa.”

Scotch Again

The Englishman lifted his head high as he was passing the Scotchman on the street.

Scotchman (to Englishman) – “Say, who are you, anyway?”

Englishman – “I’m it.”

Scotchman – “You’re what?”

Englishman – “I’m it.”

Scotchman – “Do you want to know who I am?”

Englishman – “What are you?”

Scotchman – “I’m that.”

Englishman – “Who’s that?”

Scotchman – “That’s it.”

Health Note

Ford – “Your engine is coughing badly again.

Henry – “Shouldn’t wonder. I had its muffler off last night.”

Breach of Etiquette

“So there was a gap in the conversation?”

“Yes, we were all yawning.”

One Thing Omitted

Newberry – “John acts as ugly as a bear toward you.”

Barbara – “Not that bad. A bear will hug.”

A Question of Rhetoric

“Hobo, did you notice that pile of wood in the yard?”

“Yes’m, I seen it.”

“You should mind your grammar. You mean you saw it.”

“No’m. You saw me see it, but you ain’t seen me saw it.”

Heavy Traffic

Wife: “What’s the matter, Henry?”

Henry: “Gosh! I feel miserable. There’s a rumbling in my stomach like a wagon going over a bridge.”

Wife: “That’s probably the truck you ate yesterday at the picnic.”

Quite a Compliment

“My dear Miss Lane, do let me help you to some more pudding.”

“Well, thanks,” said the young woman; “I will take some more, but only just a mouthful, please.”

“Hilda,” said the hostess to the waitress, “fill Miss Lane’s plate.”

Sign of Greatness

Two boys were quarreling about whose father was the greatest. One boy said, “My father is greater than yours. He has got George Washington’s watch.”

“That’s nothing,” said the other. “My father has Adam’s apple.”

Wanted a Square Deal

Jimmy: “Granny, do your spectacles magnify?”

Granny: “Oh, yes, they magnify a little.”

Jimmy: “Ah, well: would you mind taking them off when you cut my next piece of cake?”

Come Again, Rastus

Rastus (to Sambo, in an undertone) – I ain’t the man I uster wuz. Time wuz when I could whip the ol’ woman in a fair, stan-up fight.”

The Old Woman (overhearing) – “You’s a black liar, Rastus Johnsing. Time wuzn’t, time ain’t, an’ time ain’t gwine to wuz.”

Switch Off

Izzy – “Fadder, the man you owe five hundred dollars to is on the ‘phone.”

Izzy’s Father – “Tell him we had the ‘phone tooken out.”

Oh, Timmy!

“Now, Timmy, how many ribs have you?”

“I dunno, ma’am; I’m too ticklish to count ‘em.

Logical

May (watching ball-game): “Where do they keep the extra bases?”

Ray: “What for?”

May: “Well, that man just stole third base.”

‘Nuff Said

“Dad, what are ancestors?’

“My boy, I’m one of yours and your grandpa is another.”

“Well, then, why do people brag about them?”

S-sh

Son (reading) – “In winter every animal puts on a new fur coat.”

Father – “Not so loudly! Your mother’s in the next room looking through her wardrobe.”

A Safe Bet

Husband (to wife) – Do you believe in the theory that the greatness of a father often proves a stumbling block in the advancement of his son?”

Wife – “I do. But I am thankful, John, that our boy will never be handicapped in that way.”

A Miracle

The Fisherman: “Is this a public lake?”

The Inhabitant: “Yes, sir.”

“Then it won’t be a crime if I land a fish?”

“No, it’ll be a miracle!”

Reassured

Mrs. Poteet: – “I hear that your boy Pod, who’s off to college, is givin’ a good deal of his time to Ma Jong and the like.”

Mrs. Dismuke – “Well, I’m thankful he pays so much attention to the old ladies, instead of runnin’ around with the flappers or playin’ any of those gamblin’ games.”



2 Comments »

  1. Good ones. Scotch Again looks like a short script for Abbott and Costello.

    Comment by CurtA — April 16, 2011 @ 10:08 am

  2. …and “Stung!” isn’t going to appear in a Church magazine, either, I suspect.

    Comment by Clark — April 18, 2011 @ 2:18 pm

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