Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1917 (3)
 


Funny Bones, 1917 (3)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - April 02, 2011

Mistake, Beg Pardon

Teacher: “I am surprised at your not knowing the date of Columbus’ discovery of America. It’s actually at the head of chapter.”

Young Hopeful: “I’m sorry. I thought it was his telephone number.”

Fast Dye Needed

“Don’t you know I tol’ you not t’ go swimmin’ wid no white trash children, eh?” sternly asked Sam Johnsing.

“But he wa’nt white befo’ he went in,” replied Sam’s small son.

Sure Thing

Bibling: “What do you mean by saying that your dog took first prize in the cat show?”

Miggs: “Why, he took the cat!”

Call of the Wild

A noncommissioned officer was writing the names of a number of recruits.

“Your name!” he snapped to the first.

“Fox.”

“Next!”

“Bear,” was the reply.

The sergeant sniffed, and glanced at the third.

“Wolfe,” said the recruit, and his interrogator gave him a sharp look.

“And what do you call yourself?” he asked a tall youth.

“Lyon,” the recruit responded, whereat the noncom threw down his pen and shouted with good natured laughter.

“Go and order some cages to be built!” he roared to a private. “We’ve been recruiting from a menagerie!”

Pushing It Too Far

“Papa,” said Freddie, “what is a fortification?”

“Why, a big fort,” replied his father.

“Well, Papa, is a ratification a big –”

“I am busy now, dear,” replied Father, as he escaped.

Subtle Reasoning

A person, who was speaking on the law of compensation, said:

“When a person is blind his hearing is more acute.”

“I see,” said a listener. “I’ve often noticed that if a man had a short leg the other was longer.”

Sharp Boy

A teacher was giving his class a lesson about the Great Forest.

He asked: “Which boy can tell me the pine which has the longest and sharpest needles?”

Up went a hand in the front row.

“Well, Johnny?”

“Please, sir, porcupine.”

Sovereignty Recognized

Agent: “Is the boss of the house in?”

Proud Father: “Yes; he’s asleep upstairs in his cradle.”

Bad Both Ways

Charles’ mother was reproving him for not being more tidy about his hair, when his uncle, who was very bald, thinking to soothe his feelings, said:

“Charles, don’t you wish you were as bald as I? Then you wouldn’t have any hair to comb.”

Charles heaved a long sigh of resignation.

“No, I don’t,” he said. “There would be that much more face to wash.”

Clear as Mud

“How can you tell when an egg is fresh?”

“Well, you put it in water, and if it is good it will float or sink, I’ve forgotten which.”

How the Horses Saw It

It happened in front of the village post office.

An old farmer was holding his frightened team while an automobile rushed by.

“Queer how horses are so skeered of them things,” said the one of the loafers.

“Queer?” grumbled the farmer.“What would you do if you should see my pants coming down the street with nothin’ in them?”

Out of Print

Mrs. Bunkerhill: “Have you read Scott’s novels?”

Miss Slacker: “All but his ‘Emulsion.’ I have seen it advertised, but I have never been able to get a copy.”

Blaming Women Again

“Where,” asked the female suffrage orator, “would man be today were it not for woman?”

She paused a moment and looked around the hall. “I repeat,” she said, “where would man be today were it not for woman?”

“He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries,” answered a voice from the gallery.

Enough’s Enough

“They say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place.”

“Well, it doesn’t need to!”

-oOo-

“Sir,” said the angry woman, “I understand you said I had a face that would stop a street-car in the middle of the block.”

“Yes, that’s what I said,” calmly answered the mere man. “It takes an unusually handsome face to induce a motorman to make a stop like that.”

On the Job

A youngster went into a merchant’s busy office. Not getting immediate attention, he approached the boss and said: “Excuse me, sir, but I want a job and I’m in a hurry.”

“You do, eh?” said the merchant. “And why are you in such a hurry?”

“Got to hurry,” replied the youngster. ‘Left school yesterday and haven’t struck anything yet. I can’t waste time, and if you’ve got nothing I’ll be moving on. The only place I can stop is where they can pay me for it.”

“When can you come?” asked the surprised boss.

“Don’t have to come,” was the quick reply. “I’m here now, and would have been at work before this if you’d said so.”

Circumstantial Evidence

First Newsboy: “I’m a penny short.”

Second Newsboy: “Well, I ain’t got it. Wot your lookin’ at me like that for?”

First Newsboy: “I didn’t say you had, but ‘ere I am a penny short an’ there are you a-eating nuts!”

Helpless

A practical teacher, according to the New York Times, taught natural history from every-day illustrations and comparisons.

“Take a bear,” he said. ‘Look at his fur.”

The boys had no bear to take, but they had a picture of one, and they looked at that.

“His fur,” the teacher went on, “is the bear’s overcoat, the same as your big coats are your overcoats.”

“He can’t take it off, though, same as we can ours,” said one contentious youngster.

“That is true,” said the teacher. “The bear cannot take off his overcoat. But why can’t he take it off?”

Every boy thought hard.

“I guess,” said the contentious youth finally, “that it is because nobody but God knows where the buttons are.”

Three Favorite Words

Teacher: “What are the three words you use most?”

Senior: “I don’t know.”

Teacher: “Correct.”

A Retraction

A country weekly says: “We wish to apologize to Mrs. Orlando Overlook. In our paper last week we had as a heading, ‘Mrs. Overlook’s Big Feet.’ The word we ought to have used is a French word pronounced the same, but spelled fete. It means a celebration, and is considered a very tony word.”

Too Conspicuous

Summerer: “That bull keeps following and looking at me so funny.”

Farmer: “Cuz of yer red sweater, I guess.”

Summerer: “My, I know it is two seasons out of date, but I didn’t think a bull would notice it.”

Rank Injustice

“Now, my son,” said the conscientious father, “tell me why I punished you.”

“That’s it,” blubbered the boy indignantly. “First you pounded the life out of me, an’ now you don’t know what you done it for.”

Incompetent

Grocer: “The boy you recommended won’t do at all.”

Customer: “What has he been up to?”

Grocer: “I gave him a notice to stick up. ‘All the Delicacies of the Season Will Be Found Inside,’ and he pasted it on the rubbish barrel.”

Soon Stopped

Physician: “Have you any aches or pains this morning?”

Patient: “Yes, doctor; it hurts me to breathe; in fact, my only trouble now seems to be with my breath.”

Physician: “All right. I’ll give you something that will stop that.”



1 Comment »

  1. I had to look up Scott’s Emulsion.

    It’s still sold, too.

    Interesting photo:
    http://www.scottsemulsion.com/pages/7.htm

    Comment by Bookslinger — April 6, 2011 @ 8:02 am

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