The Story of Ruth
“Now,” said Andrews, after introducing the subject, “who can tell me anything about Ruth?”
Up went a hand in the rear of the class.
“Well, Willie,” asked the teacher, “what do you know about Ruth?”
“He made 29 home runs last season,” was the answer.
“The storm burst upon us so suddenly we had no warning of its approach,” related the tornado victim. “In an instant the house was demolished and scattered to the four winds. How I escaped being torn to pieces I do not know – ”
“Goodness Gracious!” ejaculated little Mr. Meek. “That reminds me. I almost forgot to do an errand for my wife.”
The Closed Shop
In spite of the advanced prices the barber was blue, and the razor he was wielding seemed to share his discouragement. “I’ve just about decided to open a butcher shop,” he said, reaching for the powdered astringent.
“And will you close this one?” his victim gasped feebly.
At Times, Yes
Tenderfoot: “Isn’t it great to be well.”
First Class Scout: “Yes. Especially when you’re sick.”
Old Mother Hubbard,
She went to the cupboard
And carefully looked at the shelf.
Said the dog, with a moan,
If she should find a bone
She will probably gnaw it herself.”
A Bouncing Boy
“Yes,” said Mr. Braga; “I once invented a rubber pneumatic suit for men working at great heights.”
“And was it successful?” asked Softhead.
“I should say it was. D’you know the first workman who fell off a building wearing one bounced so hard and long that we had to throw sandwiches to him to keep him alive.”
Preparing an Alibi
He had been fishing, but with bad luck. On his way home he entered a fishmonger’s shop and said to the dealer, “John, stand over there and throw me five of the biggest of those trout?”
“Throw ‘em? What for?” asked the dealer in amazement.
“I want to tell the family I caught ‘em. I may be a poor fisherman, but I’m no liar.”
Taking a Big Chance
Two Irishmen, bent on robbery, held up a passing Scotchman. After a long, fierce fight, in which the Scotchman almost had the better of it, they succeeded in conquering him. A thorough search of his clothes disclosed one lone sixpence.
“Troth, Pat,” said Mike, disgustedly, “if he’d had a shilling instead of a sixpence he’d have murdered the two of us!”
“What relation does a stork bear to mankind?”
“Either a son or a daughter.”
Should be Re-elected
Son: “Father, what is the board of education?”
Father: “When I went to school, it was a pine shingle.”
“Oh, doctor, I am suffering so much I want to die!”
“You did perfectly right to call me.”
Seen Anything of Bonnie?
My Bonnie leaned over the gas tank,
The height of the contents to see;
He lighted a match to assist him –
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
A Poor Chance
Boarding House Lady: “Good gracious! I found three big rats in the pantry. How in the world will I get rid of them?”
Grouchy Boarder: “Close the door on ‘em and let ‘em starve to death.”
Probably a Boil
Father, to Daughter: “What are you reading?”
Daughter: “The Last Days of Pompeii.”
Father: “Is that so? What did he die of?”
Daughter: “I believe it was an eruption.”
Time to Go
“Say, young man,” asked an old lady at the ticket office, “what time does the next train pull in here and how long does it stay?”
“From two to two to two-two,” was the curt reply.
“Well, I declare! Be you the whistle?”
A Sure Thing
“When you boarded at my mother’s house why did you take a spoonful of medicine every time you got up from the table?”
“The doctor told me always to take the medicine on an empty stomach.”
Tommy: “Pa, what part of speech is woman?”
Father: “Woman isn’t a part of speech at all, my son; she’s the whole thing.”
“You’re quick, aren’t you?”
“Quick, I should say I am. I can turn out the light, cross the room, and then be in bed before it gets dark.”
“Sure, Pat, and I’m glad to see you,” said one Irishman to another. “I thought ye were dead. I heard siv’ral paple spakin’ well av yez.”
She (after much turning and primping): “Do they show?
Husband: “What, your ankles?
She: “No, silly, I don’t mind my ankles. I mean my ears, of course.”
At the Barbers
Barber: “Will you have anything on your face when I’ve finished?”
Victim: “I don’t know, but I hope you’ll at least leave my nose.”