Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1913 (3)
 


Funny Bones, 1913 (3)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - March 12, 2011

Needed a Strait-jacket

We came upon the auto standing upon the brow of the hill.

Hello,” we say to the chauffeur. “Broken down?” “No, sir,” he responded.

“Out of gasoline?” “No, sir. We have plenty.”

“Tire punctured?” “No, sir. The tires are in perfect condition.”

“Lost your way?” “No, sir. The country hereabouts is very familiar.”

“Dropped something from the auto?” ‘No, sir. Nothing of the sort.”

“Then why are you standing here? Why are you not shooting down the hill and across the level at a terrible speed?”

“I do not care to do that,” says the owner of the machine, who has been silent until this moment. “I had my auto stopped here so that I might enjoy the magnificent view from this elevation.”

With a frightened glance at him, we turn and hasten to the nearest town, to warn officials that an evidently insane person is at large in an automobile.

A Regular Circus

“What did you think of the dinner party last night?”

“It was the most daring bareback performance that I ever attended; and as for your niece, she outstripped all her competitors!”

Her Habit

“It did Jack no good to marry his stenographer, for she continued the habit of the office in their home.”

“How so?”

“When he starts to dictate she takes him down.”

The Pin Saver

One day Ole Peterson saw a pin and remembered the old adage, “See a pin, pick it up, and all day long you’ll have good luck.” He stooped to get the pin; his hat tumbled off and rolled into the muddy gutter; his eyeglasses fell to the pavement and broke; his suspenders gave way behind, he burst the buttonhole on the back of his shirt and nearly lost his new false teeth. But he got the pin.

All that Happened

“‘Lo, Jim! Fishin’?”

“Naw; drownin’ worms.”

In the Kitchen

“This preserving business keeps one in hot water, doesn’t it?” said the Pear to the Peach.

“Yes,” assented the latter, “it does jar one.”

Father Instead

Mother (after relating pathetic story): “Now, Reggie, wouldn’t you like to give your bunny to that poor little boy you saw today who hasn’t any father?”

Reggie (clutching rabbit): “Couldn’t we give him father instead?”

No Security

“Hey, waiter, I want to order a steak; there’s none on the bill of fare.”

“We are not serving steak today, sir. You see, we have a new cook, and he has not as yet arranged for his bond.”

All She Thought Of

Hubby (who has just received the bill): “You look awfully jolly in that dress, Nelly, but it cost a frightful lot of money.”

Wife: “Yes, dear, I know it did, but I don’t care about money when it’s a question of pleasing you.”

On the Fence

“Say, Sim!”

“Well?”

“How’d you get your wheat crop in so quick?”

“Stayed on the fence and let the candidates do the work.”

In Bad

Young Jack was talking to the new visitor soon after her arrival. He eyed her critically for a few moments, then looked up and said:

“So you’re my grandmother, are you?”

“Yes, dear; on your father’s side,” remarked the old lady, smiling.

“Well, you’re on the wrong side; you’ll find that out,” replied Jack, without removing his gaze.

Never Fails

“What’s the best thing to induce chest expansion?”

“Medals.”

Fowl Repartee

Turkey: “You peacock, you’re just puffed up with your own importance.”

Peacock: “Maybe so; but I would rather be stuffed up with my own importance than with potatoes and onions.”

Obeying Orders

The smallest boy in the class read haltingly: “I see – a man – flyin’.”

“Don’t forget the ‘g,’ Danny,” reminded the teacher.

So Danny read again: “Gee, I see a man flyin’.”

Speedier

The Doctor: “Natural endowment goes a great way, I grant you, but it takes education to make a man of parts.”

The Professor: “Yes, but monkeying with a buzz saw will do it quicker.”

Had the Best Right

The lovely girl descended to the parlor to find the family pet ensconced upon the knee of the young man caller, her curly head nestled comfortably against his shoulder.

“Why, Mabel,” the young lady exclaimed, “aren’t you ashamed of yourself! Get right down.”

“Shan’t do it,” retorted the child. “I got here first.”

Strained Relations

Mrs. Baye: “She is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilizers or filters everything in the house.”

“How does she get along with her family?”

“Oh, even her relations are strained.”

Both Needed

A druggist lately received a hurried call from a small girl who desired to purchase liniment and some cement.

“Liniment and cement?” repeated the pharmacist, puzzled by the unique order.

“Going to use ‘em at the same time?”

“Yes,” promptly replied the youngster. “Ma, she hit Pa with a pitcher.”



2 Comments »

  1. Ole Peterson? A Swede? Well, at least it isn’t a Scot this time!

    I love the antique flavor of these jokes. They’re so very evocative of that decade.

    Comment by Researcher — March 12, 2011 @ 2:27 pm

  2. Enjoyable as always.

    With “Her Habit”, “Father Instead”,”In Bad”, and “Both Needed” the husband seems to get the worst of it.

    But I have never heard of a “buttonhole on the back of his shirt”

    Comment by Bruce Crow — March 14, 2011 @ 11:04 am

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