The Retort Courteous
“I keep my lodgers longer than you do.”
“No, you don’t; but they’re so thin they look longer.”
Two little urchins were watching a barber singe his customer’s hair.
“Gee,” said one, “he’s hunting ‘em with a light.”
A June Proposal
She: “Oh, I wish the Lord had made me a man.”
He (bashfully): “He did. I’m the man.”
She Was Used to Them
Lady: “Could I see the captain?”
First Mate: “He’s forward, Miss.”
Lady: “I’m not afraid. I’ve been out with college boys.”
Teacher: “Willie, can you name me a city in Alaska?”
Willie: “No, m’m.”
Did He Get Her?
Her Father (to suitor): “My daughter doesn’t want to be tied to an idiot all her life.”
Suitor: “Just so, sir. Why not let me take her off your hands?”
Courting by Meter
“How did you get up courage to propose to the rich Mrs. MacTavish, Sandy?”
“Losh, mon, ‘twas awful! I’d sworn I’d do it come Monday nicht, so I took her for a ride in a taxi, and wi’ one eye on the meter tickin’ away I had her won at the end of $2.”
A Case of Necessity
“I am sorry to learn that you have buried your uncle.”
“I had to. He was dead.”
Husband: “They say the prettiest women marry the biggest dumb-bells.”
Wife: “You flatterer!”
Mr. Fahy: “What’s good for my wife’s fallen arches?”
Dr. Schulz: “Rubber heels.”
Mr. Fahy: “What’ll I rub ‘em with?”
She: “There are two men I really admire.”
He: “Who’s the other?”
When Pa is Sick
When Pa is sick, he’s scared to death,
An’ Ma an’ us just holds our breath.
He crawls in bed, an’ puffs and grunts,
And does all kinds of crazy stunts.
He wants “Doc” Brown, an’ mighty quick,
For when Pa’s ill he’s awful sick.
He gasps and groans, an’ sort o’ sighs,
He talks so queer, an’ rolls his eyes.
Ma jumps an’ runs, an’ all of us,’
An’ all the house is in a fuss,
An’ peace an’ joy is mighty skeerce –
When Pa is sick, it’s something fierce.
And When Ma is Sick
When Ma is sick she pegs away,
She’s quiet, though, not much t’ say,
She goes right on a-doin’ things,
An’ sometimes laughs, or even sings.
She says she don’t feel extra well,
But then it’s just a kind o’ spell.
She’ll be all right tomorrow, sure,
A good old sleep will be the cure.
An’ Pa he sniffs an’ makes no kick,
For women folk is always sick.
An’ Ma, she smiles, lets on she’s glad –
When Ma is sick, it ain’t so bad.
A Common Recipe
Sweety: “What is the cure for seasickness?”
Salty: “Give it up.”
The Retort Courteous
Father: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was making his own living.”
Son: “Yes, and when he was your age he was president.”
Tramp: “Could you give a poor fellow a bite, lady?”
Lady: “Well, I’m sorry. I don’t bite myself, but I’ll call my dog.”
A Bad Idea
“The idea of your working steadily eight hours a day! I would not think of such a thing!”
“Neither would I. It was the boss who thought of it.”
Old But Significant
Literary Wife: “When I go to heaven, I am going to ask Shakespeare if he wrote all of his plays.”
Practical Husband: “He may not be there.”
Literary Wife: “Then you can ask him.”
Mistress: “I saw the milkman kiss you this morning. I’ll take the milk in myself after this.”
The Maid: “It won’t do any good, mum. He promised to kiss nobody except me.”
Every Boy’s Desire
“Willie, what is your greatest ambition?”
“To wash mother’s ears.”
The Proper Style
Reporter: “How shall I handle this story of a dog attacking pedestrians?”
City Editor: “Make it snappy.”
Clarence (ardently): “When will you promise to share my lot dear?”
Winnie (sweetly): “Just as soon as you build a house on it, big boy!”
“Hear about the big accident?”
“Car just ran over a peanut and crushed two kernels.”