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Funny Bones, 1921 (2)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - February 12, 2011

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“What does ‘groundhog’ mean?”

“Sausage.”

A Problem for Social Workers

Teacher: “Who can tell me why the cuckoo lays its eggs in other birds’ nests?”

Pupil: “Because of the house shortage.”


Natural History

The lesson was in natural history, and the new teacher had chosen the interesting but complex subject of the cat. “Now, children,” she said, “tell me what sort of clothes pussy wears.”

No reply.

“Come, come,” said she, determined to extract the right answer by naming everything that pussy didn’t wear, “does she wear feathers?”

A pained expression crossed the face of a little boy in the front row. “Please, ma’am,” he asked pityingly, “ain’t you ever seen a cat?”

Just a Prelude

“Mother’s throwing plates at father.”

“Is she angry with him?”

“No; but she’s working up to it.”

Pre-Natal Influence

“Some early influence has made him erratic, I’m sure.”

“He was born under a crazy quilt, I’ve been told.”

A Definition

Little Willie: “What is a lawyer, pa?”

Pa: “A lawyer, my son, is a man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, and then runs off with their clothes.”

Coming Later

Billy: “What are you drawing, Jim?”

Jimmy: “Why, a dog!”

Billy: “But where’s its tail?”

Jimmy: “Oh, that’s still in the ink bottle!”

Automobilitis

“Have you a little fairy in your home?”

“No, but I have a little miss in my engine.”

-oOo-

“Papa, what do you call a man who runs an automobile?”

“It depends on how near he comes to hitting me.”

-oOo-

“Say, old man, is my tire flat?”

“Well, it’s a little flat at the bottom, but the rest of it is all right.”

Going to the Dogs

A small, henpecked, worried looking man was about to take an examination for life insurance.

“You don’t dissipate do you?” asked the physician, as he made ready for the tests. “Not a fast liver or anything of that sort?”

The little man hesitated a moment, looked a bit frightened, then replied in a small piping voice: “I sometimes chew a little gum.”

Satisfied

“When does the five-fifteen leave?”

“Quarter past five.”

“Thank you. You see, I get all mixed up on the change of time.”

Wrong Locality

“Alice has broken our engagement,” said he of the downcast look.

“Sorry to hear that,” said the friend.

“Why did she break it?”

“Because I stole a kiss.”

“What! A fiancee object to her fellow stealing a kiss from her!”

“The trouble was,” Softleigh explained, “I didn’t steal it from her.”

A Practical Answer

“If I cut a beefsteak in two,” asked the teacher, “and then cut the halves in two, what do I get?”

“Quarters,” returned the boy.

“Good. And then again?”

“Eights.”

“Correct. Again?”

“Sixteenths.”

“Exactly. and what then?”

“Thirty-seconds.”

“And once more?”

“Hamburger,” cried the boy, impatiently.

Gross Ignorance

A Pittsburgh lawyer was conducting a case in court not long ago, and one of the witnesses confessed that at the time of his arrest he was engaged in a crap game. Immediately the lawyer said, “Now, sir, I want you to tell the jury just how you deal craps.”

“What’s that?” asked the witness, rolling his eyes.

“Address the jury, sir,” thundered the lawyer, “and tell them just how you deal craps.”

“Let me outta here!” cried the witness uneasily. “First thing I know this gentleman’s gonna ask me how to drink a sandwich.”

A Sweet Retort

Sarcastic Debtor – “Did you ever succeed in getting blood out of a turnip?

Lawyer – “No, but I can get sugar out of a dead beat.”

Nature’s Voice

Wifey: “I heard a noise when you came in last night.”

Hubby: “Perhaps it was the night falling.”

Wife (coldly): “No, it wasn’t; it was the day breaking.”



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