“D’you know, Mrs. ‘Arris, I sometimes wonder if me husband’s grown tired of me.”
“Whatever makes you say that, Mrs. ‘Iggs?”
“Well, ‘e ain’t been ‘ome for seven years.”
Dad: “Son, I’m spanking you because I love you.”
Son: “I’d sure like to be big enough to return your love.”
He Asked One
Bobbie asked so many questions that finally he wore out his mother’s patience and was packed off to bed. Later his mother repented. She tiptoed upstairs, knelt beside his bed, and told him she was sorry.
“Now, dear,” she said, “if you want to ask one more question before you go to sleep, ask it now, and I’ll try to answer.”
Bobbie thought for a moment, then said, “Mother, how far can a cat spit?”
He Should Pass
Insurance Doctor: “How old was your father when he died?”
Applicant (determined to pass): “104.”
Insurance Doctor: “What did he die of?”
Applicant: “Strained his heart playing football.”
Teacher: “Johnny, who was Anne Boleyn?”
Johnny: “Anne Boleyn was a flat iron.”
Teacher: “What on earth do you mean?”
Johnny: “Well, it says here in the history book, ‘Henry, having disposed of Catharine, pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn.’”
Gold Old P.A.
Neighbor: “So your son got his B.A. and his M.A.?”
Proud Dad: “Yes, indeed, but his P.A. still supports him.”
In a Woodless Age
When everything’s made of concrete,
In a world where there’s nary a stick,
The child that has been indiscreet
Will have to be spanked with a brick.
Two students on a train were telling about their abilities to see and hear. The one said:
“Do you see that barn over there on the horizon?”
“Can you see that fly walking around on the roof of that barn?”
“No, but I can hear the shingles crack when he steps on them.”
Prof.: “If there are any dumbbells in the room, please stand up.”
A long pause and then, a lone freshman stands up.
“What, do you consider yourself a dumbbell?”
“Well, not exactly that, sir, but I hate to see you standing all alone.”
“Yes,” said the old man. “I have had some terrible disappointments, but none stands out over the years like the one that came to me when I was a boy.”
“And what was it?”
“When I was a boy I crawled under a tent to see a circus and discovered it was a revival meeting.”
O, That’s It!
Old Gent: “What’s your little brother crying for?”
Urchin: “He’s not crying for anything; mother just gave it to him.”
“If it wasn’t for me you’d be the biggest fool in the show business.”
“How does it feel to head the list?”
“Jack was the goal of my ambition,” she sighed, “but alas!”
“What happened, dear?”
“Father kicked the goal.”
Magistrate: “What did the defendant look like when you arrested him?”
Constable: “Well, sir, he had a sort of pinched look.”
A farmer visited his son’s college. Watching students in a chemistry class, he was told they were looking for a universal solvent.
“What’s that?” asked the farmer.
“A liquid that will dissolve anything.”
“That’s a great idea,” agreed the farmer. “When you find it, what are you going to keep it in?”
The New Diplomacy
“I understand that you are in the market for a new maid.”
“Yes, our last one handled china like Japan.”
“You don’t need to pay me in advance,” said the dentist to the Scotch patient who was looking into his pocketbook.
“I’m no going to,” was the reply. ‘I’m only countin’ ma money before you give me that gas.”
He: “You pronounce that name wrong. It is San Hosay. In California you should pronounce all J’s as H’s. When were you there?”
She (thoughtfully): “In Hune and Huly.”
A meek little man was walking home from the funeral of his masterful wife, when a roofing tile fell and struck him in the head.
“Gosh!” he said, “Sarah’s got to heaven already.”
Serves Night and Day
Friend: “Don’t you think a baby brightens up a home?”
Father: “Yes, indeed. We have lights burning all night now.”
“Hey! What’s the idea of jumping up and down like that? Have you gone crazy?”
“I just took my medicine and forgot to shake the bottle first.”