A Good Judge
Jessie: “I was taken into dinner by that officer you introduced me to. He was quite gallant, and remarked upon my bird-like appetite.”
Maud: “Well, he should be a good judge on that point, dear; he runs an ostrich farm in South Africa.”
Binks – “The undercrust to that chicken pie you brought me was abominably tough.”
Waiter – “There wasn’t any undercrust to that pie, sir; it was served on a paper plate, and you’ve eaten it.”
“Gone But Not Forgotten”
“Are caterpillars good to eat?” asked little Tommy at the dinner table.
“No,” said his father; “what makes you ask a question like that while we are eating?”
“You had one on your lettuce, but it’s gone now,” replied Tommy.
And They Did
Said an Irish leader: “Min, ye are on the verge of battle. Will yez fight or will yez run?”
“We will!” came a chorus of eager replies.
“Which will yez do?” says he.
“We will not,” says they.
“Thank ye, me min,” says he; “I thought ye would.”
A Good Reason
Teacher – “Why is it that lightning never strikes twice in the same place?”
Jimmie – “Because after it hits once, the same place isn’t there any more.”
The Wrong Kind
Sister Sue – “Did you get any marks today at school, Tommy?”
Tommy – “Yes, Sue, but they’re where they don’t show.”
Hubby: “You hadn’t a rag to your back when I married you.”
Wifey: “Yes, but I’ve got plenty now.”
He (on the pier): “Haven’t I seen you somewhere some time?”
She: “Quite likely. I was there.”
Sandy was fishing, and Donald, who was passing, asked: “Hoo are the fish today, Sandy?”
“I dinna ken,” answered Sandy. “I dropped them a line, but so far I’ve nae reply.”
Judge: “What have you to say to the charge of assault?”
Defendant: “Well, your honor, he called me an ass.”
Judge: “Ah! And naturally you kicked.”
Boy: “A man called while you were out, sir. He said he wanted to thrash you.”
Editor: “And what did you say to him?”
Boy: “I said I was sorry you were out, sir.”
“What is this we have for breakfast?’ asked Mr. Newlymarried.
His wife looked at him with troubled eyes. “It was to have been bacon,” she said, “but poor cook’s burnt it.”
“Poor cook! I should think so, indeed,” exclaimed Mr. Newlymarried. “Have you given her notice?”
“Oh, no, we mustn’t be too cross with her, darling,” said his wife. “Won’t you be satisfied with a kiss for breakfast?” she coaxed, archly.
“All right, dear,” replied Mr. Newlymarried, suddenly pacified. “Call her in.”
Tommy: “What is the most deadly poison known?”
Aviator: “Aviation poison.”
Tommy: “How much does it take to kill a person?”
Aviator: “One drop!”
In Full Accord
A boarding school boy wrote to his uncle for financial aid, and then, feeling rather nervous about the impression his letter would make, added this postscript:
“P.S.: Dear uncle, I am so ashamed to have to ask you for this money that I have run after the postman a long way to get it back, but I could not catch him. My only wish is that you will never get the letter now. – Your loving Nephew.”
The uncle replied by return of post:
“My dear Nephew: I am hastening to make you happy by telling you that your wish was granted. I never received your letter.”
Meeting Up with Bre’r Skunk
There was a young man from the city,
Who saw what he thought was a kitty;
He gave it a pat,
And soon after that
He buried his clothes – what a pity!
Just the Way!
Mary had a little hen
That caused her many a tear.
It used to lay when eggs were cheap
And stopped when they were dear.
“Why is a pancake like the sun?”
“Dot’s easy,” answered the Swede. “It rises out of ‘er yeast and sets behind the vest.”