A New Kind of Blessing
A young lady who taught a class of small boys in the Sunday school desired to impress on them the meaning of returning thanks before a meal. Turning to one of the class, whose father was a deacon in the church, she asked him:
“William, what is the first thing your father says when he sits down to the table?”
“He says, ‘Go slow with the butter, kids; it’s forty cents a pound,’” replied the youngster.
Happiness on Pants
The school principal was trying to make clear to his class the fundamental doctrines of the Declaration of Independence.
“Now, boys,” he said, “I will give you each three ordinary buttons. Here they are. You must think of the first one as representing life, of the second one as representing liberty, and the third one as representing the pursuit of happiness. Next Sunday I will ask you to produce the three buttons, and tell me what they represent.”
The following Sunday the teacher said to the youngest member: “Now, Johnny, produce your three buttons, and tell what they stand for.”
“I ain’t got ‘em all,” he sobbed, holding out two of the buttons. “Here’s life, and here’s liberty, but mamma sewed the pursuit of happiness on my pants!”
The hen returned to her nest, only to find it empty.
“Very funny,” said she; “I can never find things where I lay them.”
At the Restaurant
Old Gentleman (to waiter) – “Can you tell me if my wife is here?”
Waiter – “Yes, sir, eighth hat to the left.”
Would Break It Slowly
“Now,” said an Irishman, after a serious accident to a fellow-miner, “we’ll have to send some man to break the news to Moriarity’s wife.”
“Send Hannigan,” suggested one of the gang. “He’s just the man to break the news gradual – he stutters.”
Aunt Anna asked her little nephew what he would like to give his cousin for his birthday.
“I know,” he answered, “but I ain’t big enough.”
A Quiet Joker
Wandering over a field one day a man came across a large stone inscribed: “Turn me over.”
After much difficulty he succeeded in turning it over, and found on the underside of the stone the words: “Now turn me back again, so that I can catch some other idiot.”
It Always Beats
The minister was addressing the Sunday school. “Children, I want to talk to you for a few moments about one of the most wonderful, one of the most important organs in the whole world,” he said. “What is it that throbs away, beats away, never stopping, never ceasing, whether you wake or sleep, night or day, week in, week out, month in and month out, year in and year out, without any volition on your part, hidden away in the depths as it were, unseen by you, throbbing, throbbing, throbbing rhythmically all your life long?” During this pause for oratorical effect a small voice was heard, “I know. It’s the gas-meter.”
The captain of an Atlantic liner approached a miserable-looking man leaning over the railing.
“Waiting for the moon to come up, eh?” he said good-naturedly.
“Oh, dear me,” ejaculated the ill one, “has that got to come up, too?”
“Suppose,” said a father to his little boy, “you have half an apple and I give you another half. How much have you?”
“A whole apple,” said the boy.
“Well,” continued the father, “suppose you had a half dollar and I gave you another half dollar. What would you have then?”
“A fit,” promptly answered the boy.
A few days after a farmer had sold a pig to a neighbor, he chanced to pass the neighbor’s place, where he saw their little boy sitting on the edge of the pigpen watching its new occupant.
“How d’ye do, Johnny,” said he, “how’s your pig today?”
“Oh, pretty well, thank you,” replied the boy. ‘How are your folks?”
Story for the Queen
An English professor wrote on the black board in his laboratory:
“Professor Wilson informs his students that he has this day been appointed honorary physician to her majesty, Queen Victoria.”
In the course of the morning he had occasion to leave the room, and found on his return that some student-wag had added to the announcement the words: “God save the Queen.”
A new settlement worker was going the rounds of her district one bright spring morning. In a crowded tenement some five or six little children gazed inquiringly at her as she entered.
“Well, well, children,” she said, “I never saw so many soiled faces in my life. Why don’t you use some soap and water?”
“We are waiting for de angel, mum,” replied Tommy Tuff.
“What angel?” asked the young woman.
“Why, de lady dat come fru here last week and give one of de kids a nickel to wash his face.”
Didn’t Have Time
A veterinary surgeon one day prepared a powder for a sick horse and gave it to his young assistant to administer. The assistant asked how it was to be done, and the doctor have him a large glass tube and told him to put the tube into the horse’s mouth and blow the powder down his throat. A short time afterward there was a great commotion, and the doctor rushed out to find his assistant in trouble.
“Where is that medicine?” he shouted. “What’s the matter?”
The assistant coughed several times severely and then spluttered:
“The horse blew first!”
One Ahead of the Magician
The town hall of the village was crowded to the doors at an entertainment given by a magician. Some clever tricks were performed.
“I defy any one in this audience,” said the magician, “to mention a single action that I can perform with my right hand which I cannot do with my left.”
In the silence that followed this dare, a boy at the back of the hall shouted: “Put your left hand in yer right-hand trouser pocket!”
A traveling salesman died very suddenly in Pittsburgh. His relatives telegraphed to the undertaker to make a wreath; the ribbons should be extra wide, with the inscription “Rest in Peace” on both sides, and if there is room, “We Shall Meet in Heaven.”
The undertaker was out of town, and his new assistant handled the job. it was a startling floral piece which turned up at the funeral.
The ribbon was extra wide and bore the inscription, “Rest in Peace on Both Sides, and If There Is Room We Shall Meet in Heaven.”