An Optical Delusion
A physician visited a certain school building to examine the eyes of the children. The teacher next day sent a note to the mother of one pupil saying that he was “not perfect optically.” The following day Johnny brought back a reply from his mother which read: “The old man whaled Johnny last night and I took a hand at him this morning and we think he’ll be all right from now on.”
A Quick Way to Settle It
“Glad we met you. Our boy Stanley insists on marrying that chorus girl. I shall cut him off absolutely, and you can tell him so.”
The Family Lawyer: “I know a better plan than that. I’ll tell the girl.”
Tommy: “Pop, what is a freethinker?’
Pop: “A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn’t married.”
Teacher: “Do you know, Tommy, when shingles first came into use”
Tommy: “I think when I was between five and six years old, ma’am.”
Kept on Needing It
“I say, old man, you’ve never returned that umbrella I lent you last week.”
“Be reasonable, old man, it’s been raining ever since.”
A Second Edition
Farmer: “Yes, sir, that hired man of mine is one of the greatest inventors of the century.”
City Boarder: “You don’t say! What did he invent?”
Farmer: “Petrified motion.”
“Why is a horse that can’t hold its head up like next Wednesday?”
“Why, because its neck’s weak.”
“Oh, I heard that joke about a weak back.”
Heaven in His Heart
My little boy bothered so much to know where heaven was, that I said, “Oh, heaven is in your heart.” He started to cry, saying, “How can I go to heaven? I can’t get in my heart.”
“You were born in Ireland?”
“Why, all of me, of course!”
A Bed Divided Against Itself
Tom: “Mother, Jack’s got half the bed!”
Mother: “Well, you take the other half.”
Tom: “I can’t; he’s got his half in the middle.”
A Frenchman drove up in a taxi-auto to the Café de la Paix in Paris one day, and ordered a dozen snails. He devoured them like a starving person. Then he leaned back in his chair, sipped his chablis, and said to the waiter:
“How fine those snails were! They’re the first I’ve tasted for six months.”
“Been away, sir?” said the waiter.
“Yes; I’ve been spending six months in England.”
“And don’t they have snails there, sir?”
“Oh, yes,” was the reply; “they have them, but they can’t catch them.”
Bee Master (to pupil who has just brushed off bee which stung him): “Ah! You shouldn’t do that; the bee will die now. You should have helped her to extract her sting, which is spirally barbed, by gently turning her round and round.”
Pupil: “All very well for you, but how do I know which way she unscrews?”
A Strange Survival
Little Marie was sitting on her grandfather’s knee one day, and, after looking at him intently for a time, she said, “Grandpa, was you in the ark?”
“Certainly not, my dear!” answered the astonished old gentleman.
“Then,” continued the little information seeker, “why wasn’t you drowned?”
“I had a tough time delivering the mail yesterday,” declared the postman.
“How was that?”
‘Had a bulldog and a chunk of liver in the same delivery.”
Where She Wanted It
“I got a funny one myself today,” said the treasurer of the theater. “A kind of a fidgety girl frisked up, pushed a five-dollar bill across the shelf and said, ‘I want a seat.’
“‘Where do you want it, madam?’ I asked her.
“She shoved her whole arm through the window, waved her glove under my nose, and hollered, ‘I want it right here in my hand! Where did you think I wanted it?’”
An Easy One
A small boy was asked by a clergy man how many Commandments there were, and he answered, “Ten.” “And what would happen, my boy, if you were tempted to break one of those Commandments?” “Then there’d be nine!” was the prompt reply.
Husband: “You are not economical.”
Wife: “Well, if you don’t call a woman economical who saves her wedding dress for a possible second marriage, I’d like to know what you think economy is?”
The Cheerful Thinker
I’d love to pay the income tax,
I’d pay it with delight;
I’d pile the stuff in precious stacks –
I’d sit up half the night.
I’d try to be the first to pay –
I’d be it if I could;
And then I’d go my cheerful way –
At least, I think I would.
Of course, I’d want an income big,
So I could pay the more;
The deeper down I had to dig
The richer stream I’d pour.
If I had coupons piled in racks,
With millions to the good,
How joyously I’d pay the tax –
At least, I think I would.