Ready for Him
“The motorist that hits me will certainly be sorry,” said the dusty pedestrian.
Why?” asked his companion.
“Because,” said the other, “I’m carrying a stick of dynamite in my pocket.”
Old lady meeting a one-legged tramp on the street: “Poor man, you have lost a leg, haven’t you?”
Tramp, looking down at his foot: “Well, I’ll be darned if I haven’t.”
A Doubtful Compliment
Lady (at a dance): “Do you know that homely fellow sitting on the other side of the room?
Partner: “Certainly. He is my brother.
Lady (obviously embarrassed): “Pardon me. I hadn’t noticed the resemblance.”
An Old Grouch Says
Golf is the tie that binds many a husband and wife by separating them on Saturdays, Sundays and other fighting holidays.
In Olden Time
“Aha, my dear Nincompoop, there are a tremendous number of casualties I see by the paper.”
“Forsooth, my dear sir, and what paper?”
“Egad, the flypaper.”
Teacher: “If I take a potato and divide it into two parts, then into four parts, and each of the four parts into two parts, what will I have?”
Little Emily: “Potato salad!”
Too Swift a Pace
Jimmy: “Every time I kiss you it makes me a better man.”
Elsie: “Will, you needn’t try to completely reform in one evening.”
“Well, my little man,” remarked the minister, “I suppose you always do as your mother tells you?”
“You bet I do,” replied little Billy. Then he added: “So does father.”
Some Mistake Here
“Let me off at the next stop, conductor. I thought this was a lunch wagon.”
An Exciting Story
Little Boy: “What was the name of that last station we passed, Mother?”
Mother: “I don’t know. Don’t bother me, I’m reading a story.”
Little Boy: “It’s too bad you don’t know, ‘cause little brother got off there.”
The Lawyer Won
Tuffold Nutt was on the witness stand and was proving hard to handle. “Are you a drinker of hard liquor?” asked the cross-examining lawyer.
“That’s my business,” growled Tuffold, defiantly.
“I know,” soothed the lawyer, “but do you have any other business?”
“I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums and you only sent a pound and a half.”’
“My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy?”
A Real Accomplishment
Mistress: “I can write my name in the dust on the piano keys.”
Servant: “Lor’, mum, ain’t education a wonderful thing!”
“Does you know whut you reminds me of, Liza? Brown sugar.”
“How come Ah is like brown sugar?”
“You is so sweet an’ unrefined.”
By a Hair
“Mama,” said little Mary Lou, “if there are any men up in heaven why is it that we never see pictures of angels with whiskers?”
“Well,” replied her mother, thoughtfully, “I guess it’s because most men get there only by a close shave.”
Number Two Won
1st Small Chap: “My daddy has a leg made of hickory.”
2nd Ditto: “That’s nothing. My sister has a cedar chest.”
A Close Observer
Bystander: “Did you get the number of that car that knocked you down, madam?”
Victim: “No, but the hussy that was driving it wore a three piece suit, lined with canton crepe, and she had a periwinkle hat, trimmed with artificial cherries.”
A Blind Alley
She: “I ought to leave you and go home to mother.”
He (angrily): “Well, why don’t you?
She: “I can’t. She’s left father and is coming here.”
“Look here,” said the irate traveling man to the small town hotel-keeper, “don’t you know that roller towels in hotels have been prohibited in this state for three years?”
“Sure,” replied the hotel man, “but that there towel was put up before the law was passed.”
An Excusable Dislike
A man was walking along the edge of an airport one morning when he saw an old lady looking over her garden wall, watching the proceedings.
“Hello, Grannie,” he said, “are you enjoying yourself?”
“No,” she replied, “I am not.”
“Why, don’t you like the airplanes?”
“No, I don’t. Ever since I was a little girl and a bumble bee got up my petticoats, I have hated things that buzz.”
The Worst Is Yet to Come
Gene: “Has the depression hit you yet?”
Bill: “I’ll say it has! First I lost my job and went back to the Old Man’s to live; sent my children to the orphans’ home; my wife went back to her mother, and I shot my dog.”
Gene: “That’s bad.”
Bill: “Yes, sir, if times get any worse, I’m afraid I’ll have to give up my car.”
What Fools These Mortals Be
A New York restaurant man, not having much money to advertise, bought the biggest fish bowl he could find, filled it with water and put it in the window with this sign: “Filled with invisible fish from Argentine.”
It took seventeen policemen to handle the crowd.
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers