Hard on the Lions
The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon’s keen wit was always based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of his sons:
“Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn’t eat Daniel?”
“No, sir. Why was it?”
“Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was grit.”
There was a young fellow in Wheeling,
Who thought he could walk on the ceiling.
When he tried it, the chump,
He fell down with a bump,
And now he’s in the hospital, healing.
“What made yer t’row up yer job at Biffum Ban’s?” the office boy asked of another boy.
‘I couldn’t stand ole Bangs’ impidence, that’s why. He had de crust ter tell me, right ter me face, and before de hull office, ter git out of de place and never come back! Dat wuz de last straw!”
A Sunday School teacher had been telling her class of little boys about golden crowns of glory and heavenly rewards for good people.
“Now, tell me,” she ordered at the end of the lesson, “who will get the biggest crown?”
There was silence for a minute. Then a bright little chap piped up: “Him whot’s got th’ biggest head!”
Caller: That new girl of yours seems nice and quiet.”
Hostess: “Oh, very quiet! She doesn’t even disturb the dust when she’s cleaning the room.”
In the Future
Longley’s (in 1920): “We do all our cooking by electricity here.”
Customer: “Take this egg out and give it another shock.”
Captain: “What’s he charged with, Casey?”
Officer: “I don’t know the regular name for it, captain, but I caught him a-flirtin’ in the park.”
Captain: “Ah, that’s impersonatin’ an officer.”
The Laugh on Him
Mr. Jones had recently become the father of twins. The minister stopped him in the street to congratulate him.
“Well, Jones,” he said, “I hear that the Lord has smiled on you.”
“Smiled on me?” repeated Jones, “he laughed out loud.”
Tommy: “Mama, have gooseberries got legs?
Mama: “Of course not, Tommy.”
Tommy: “Then I’ve swallered a caterpillar.”
A Good Time Was Had by All
“How do you like school, Johnny dear?”
“Fine! I licked two kids a’ready fer callin’ me mamma’s little darling.”
Another Kitchen Invention
“I am afraid this high cost of living is going to introduce another innovation in the average kitchen.”
“What is that?”
“The foodless cooker.”
Two English friends, landing in America, met with poor success, drifted apart, and finally met again in a cheap restaurant. One had become a waiter in the establishment, and the other had come in for a dinner.
“Down to a waiter, eh?” said the diner. “You’ve certainly fallen, and in a restaurant like this, too!”
“But,” retorted the waiter, “I don’t eat here, thank goodness!”
A tourist, after having his shoes polished by an Irish bootblack, rudely tossed two coppers on the pavement. The insult caused the boy to exclaim:
“Thank you, sir. The only polish you have is on your shoes, and I gave you that.”
“Come ‘ome ter me ‘e did an’ said ‘e’d lorst ‘is money, slipt thro’ a ‘ole in ‘is pocket. ‘Yus,’ I sez, ‘but by the way ye’re wavin’ abaht it seems to me it’s slipt thro a ‘ole in yer fice’.”
Sunday School Instructor: “And the father of the prodigal son fell on his neck and wept. Now, Alexander Bonetop, tell the children why the father wept.”
Aleck: “Huh! I guess you’d weep too, if you fell on your neck.”
“Where are you driving the pigs?” asked a Northerner who was riding through the West Virginia mountains.
“Out to pasture ‘em a bit.”
“To fatten ‘em.”
“Why fatten them on grass? Up where I come from we pen them up and feed them on corn. It saves a lot of time.”
“Yaas, I s’pose so,” drawled the mountaineer. “But what’s time to a hawg?”
“Come right in, Sam,” the farmer called out. “He won’t hurt you. You know a barking dog never bites.”
“Sure, boss, Ah knows dat,” replied the cautious hired man, “but Ah don’t know how soon he’s going to stop barkin’.”
Nothing to Do Till To-morrow
A farm hand, who had worked every day in the week from dawn till late at night, finishing the chores by lantern light, went to the farmer at the end of the month and said:
“I’m going to quit. You promised me a steady job of work.”
“Well, haven’t you one?” was the astonished reply.
“No,” said the worker. “There are three or four hours every night I don’t have anything to do except fool away my time sleeping.”
His Idea of It
“Father,” said the little boy at the dinner-table on Christmas Day, “what is a suffragette?”
“Well, boy,” replied the father, “a suffragette is a being who has ceased to be a lady and is no gentleman.”
“That is an eight-day clock, Madam,” explained the antique dealer to a Christmas purchaser from the country. “It will go eight days without winding.”
“Gracious!” exclaimed the customer, “and how long will it go if you wind it?”
The quiet-looking boy at the foot of the class had not had a question, so the teacher propounded to him this one:
“In what condition was the patriarch Job at the end of his life?”
“Dead,” was the calm response.