Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1937 (3)
 


Funny Bones, 1937 (3)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - December 04, 2010

Literary Experts

Auctioneer: “What am I offered for this beautiful bust of Robert Burns?”

Man in crowd: “That ain’t Burns – that’s Shakespeare.”

Auctioneer: “Well, folks, the joke’s on me. That shows what I know about the Bible.”

Strangle-Hold

“Madam, would you like me to get you a strap?”

“No, thank you, I have one.”

“Then would you mind letting go of my necktie?”

Quid Pro Quo

Doctor: “I don’t like to mention it but that check you gave me has come back.”

Patient: “Well, that sure is funny, doc, so did my lumbago.”

A Doubtful Compliment

Mikhail – “You look positively beautiful tonight.”

Elsie – “Oh, you flatterer!”

Mikhail – “No, it’s true. I had to look twice before I recognized you.”

Wasted Talent

“Need any more talent for your motion picture dramas?”

“We might use you. Had any experience at acting without audiences?”

“Acting without audiences is what brought me here.”

A Closed Episode

“John,” asked the nagging wife, as they prepared to retire for the night, “is everything shut up?”

“That depends on you,” growled John. “Everything else is.”

A Strong Intake

Dentist (to patient) – “I told you not to swallow; that’s my last pair of pliers.”

Where It Hurts

Janey – “Mother, I don’t believe I can go to school today.”

Mother (perplexed) – “Why, dear?”

Janey – “Cause I don’t feel well.”

Mother (sympathetically) – “Where don’t you feel well?”

Janey – “In school.”

How About It?

The old lady was paying a visit to an asylum home which she had endowed. In the gardens she came across a youthful inmate fast asleep in a hammock.

“Why aren’t you working with the rest, my boy?” she asked tartly, after waking him up.”

“I’m crazy,” came the candid answer.

“But surely crazy people can work?” argued the other, pointing to some of the toilers.

“Maybe,” was the reply, “but I ain’t as crazy as that.”

A Little Nonsense

Teacher: “Johnny, can you define nonsense?”

Johnny: “Yes, teacher, an elephant hanging over a cliff with its tail tied to a daisy!”

What He Really Wanted

Speaker: “I want housing reform! I want land reform! I want education reform! I want –”

Voice from the crowd: “You want chloroform.”

Followed Divine Example

Mistress – “But surely, Miranda, you are not going to marry again when the Lord just took Jim from you?’

Miranda – “Yassum, I sure am. As long as the Lawd takes ‘em, so will I.”

Just Like Him

“So your name is George Washington,” mused the old lady.

“Yassum,” replied the small negro boy.

“I’ll bet you try hard to be like him, don’t you?”

“Lak who?

“Why, like George Washington, of course.”

“Ah cain’t help bein’ lak Jawge Washington, ‘cause dats who Ah is.”

A Boomerang

Little Willie (at dinner with a guest present): “Say, Dad, this is roast beef, isn’t it?”

Dad: “Of course, son; what of that?”

Little Willie: “Oh, nothin’ special, only this morning I heard you tell Mom you were going to bring an old muttonhead home for dinner.”

Why Not?

Janey: “Mother, is it correct to say that you ‘water a horse’ when you give it a drink?”

Mother: “Yes, dear, that’s right.”

Janey: “Well, then, I’ve just ‘milked the cat.’”

Now We Know

Young Baseball Enthusiast – “Say, Dad, what becomes of famous baseball players when their eyes fail?”

Dad – “Oh, they usually make them umpires, my boy.”

He Knew His Onions

Diner – “Waiter, bring me a plate of hash.”

Waiter (yelling into kitchen) – “Gentleman wants to take a chance.”

Second Diner – “Waiter, I’ll have some of the same.”

Waiter (calling to kitchen) – “Another sport.”

Wanted Proof

Father – “The man who marries my daughter will get a prize.”

Ardent Suitor – “May I see it please?”

Non-Committal

“Daughter, your hair is all mussed up. Did that young man kiss you against your will?”

“He thinks he did, mother.”

The Real Problem

Husband: “Have you ever wondered what you would do if you had Rockefeller’s income?”

Wife: “No, but I have often wondered what he would do if he had mine.”

His Will

An old woman and her small son had come to a government lending agency to attend to the mortgage on her house, after her husband’s death.

The government agent asked, “Mandy, did your husband leave a will?”

“Yes, sir,” she answered, proudly pointing to her son, “Will Junior.”

Wanted It All

Diner: “Did you serve me this cherry pie today because it happens to be Washington’s birthday?”

Waiter: “That’s right, sir.”

Diner: “Well, get me his hatchet, so I can cut it.”



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