Mrs. Jones: “Look, dear, how picturesque; the Browns are bringing in a Yule log.”
Mr. Jones: “Yule log my eye; that’s Brown.”
Stubb: “This government report states that the life of a paper dollar is only seven or eight months.”
Stubblefield: “Well, I have never had one die on my hands.”
Dentist: “You needn’t open your mouth any wider. When I pull your tooth I expect to stand outside.”
A Ticklish Subject
First Co-ed: “Have you noticed Jack’s new mustache? It makes me laugh.
Second Co-ed: “Tickled me, too.”
Not Physically Able
Teacher (to mischievous boy): “James, sit down in front.
James: “Sorry, Miss, I can’t. I’m not made that way.
Said the farmer’s wife to the druggist: “Be sure and write plain on them bottles which is for the horse and which is for my husband. I don’t want nothin’ to happen to that horse before the spring plowin’.”
A man walked into the grocery store: “I want all the rotten eggs you have,” he demanded.
“What do you want with stale eggs?” asked the clerk. “Are you going to see the new comedian at the theater tonight?”
“Sh-sh-sh,” hissed the buyer nervously, “I am the new comedian.”
First Voter: “Don’t you think it would be a good thing if our legislators were limited to one term?”
Second Voter: “It would depend altogether on where the term was to be served.”
A doctor attended an old lady from Scotland who had caught a severe cold.
“Did your teeth chatter when you felt the chill coming over you?” asked the doctor.
“I dinna ken, Doctor; they were laying on the table!” was the pleasant reply.
Irate Subscriber to Operator: “Am I crazy or are you?”
Operator: “I am sorry, but we do not have that information.”
Husband: “I sure miss the old cuspidor.”
Wife: “You missed it before, that’s why it’s gone.”
Sap: “No, just change the oil.”
Judge: “Do you challenge any of the jury?”
Defendant: “Well, I think I can lick that little guy on the end.”
Customer (having a rough shave): “I say, barber, have you got another razor?”
Barber: “Yes, why?”
Customer: “I want to defend myself.”
Angry Employer (to Irishman who insisted on leaving his service): “Well, good-by, Pat, and bad luck to you.”
Pat: “Good luck to you, sir, and may neither of us be right.”
Girl: “I maintain that love-making is just the same as it always was.”
Her Sweetheart: “How do you know?”
Girl: “I just read about a Greek maiden who sat and listened to a lyre all the evening.”
Miss Bloodlud: “My ancestry dates back to before the days of Charlemagne. How old is your family?”
Count Nocount: “I really can’t say. You see all our family records were lost in the flood.”
A Lesson on “Kindness”
“Robert,” said the teacher, to drive home the lesson on charity and kindness, “if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him from doing so, what virtue would I be showing?”
“Brotherly love,” said Bobby.
He Knew the Answer
Mrs. Goss Sipper: “Doctor, why does such a small cavity feel so large to the tongue?”
Dentist: “Just the natural tendency of your tongue to exaggerate, I suppose.”
Boss: “Well, did you read the letter I sent you?”
Office Boy: “Yes, sir, I read it inside and outside. On the inside it said: ‘You are fired,’ and on the outside it said, ‘Return in five days,’ so here I am.”
A Good Reason
Neighbor: “Why use such a high crib for your baby?”
Mother: “So we can hear him when he falls out.”
In the Last Stages
“Rheumatism,” said the doctor, “causes a man to imagine that his joints are very much larger than they actually are.”
“I know,” explained Mrs. Smith, “our butcher has it!”
Patient: “Doctor, are you sure this is pneumonia? Sometimes doctors prescribe for pneumonia and the patients die of something else.”
Doctor (with dignity): “When I prescribe for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia.
Ignorance Was Bliss
Uncle Henpeck: “You boys of today want too much money. Do you know what I was getting when I married your aunt?”
Nephew: “No; and I’ll bet you didn’t either.”
“Since I bought a car I don’t have to walk to the bank to make my deposits.”
“Ah, you ride there?”
“No, I don’t make any.”
Mr. Sloboy: “Would you scream if I should kiss you?”
Miss Fairmaid: “Of course. But I don’t suppose it would do any good because there is nobody home.”
Louie (artist): “This is my latest picture. It’s called ‘Builders at Work.’ It’s very realistic.”
Olive: “But they really aren’t at work.”
Louis: “Of course – that’s the realism.”