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Funny Bones, 1928 — 5th set

By: Ardis E. Parshall - November 20, 2010

From the church magazines of 1928 —

A Difference

“Did the speaker electrify his audience?”

“No, he merely gassed it.”

Close Relationship

“What animal,” asked the teacher of the class in natural history, “makes the nearest approach to man?”

“The mosquito,” timidly ventured the little boy with the curly hair.

In the Shoe Shop

Customer: “Which leather makes the best shoes?”

Shoe Salesman: “I don’t know, but banana skins make the best slippers.”

A Cutting Remark

MacGregor: “Are ye the mon who cut ma hair last time?”

Barber: “I don’t think so, sir. I’ve only been here six months.”

Was It a Challenge?

Nervous Youth: “Darling, you are the breath of my life.”

Fair flapper: “Well, why don’t you hold your breath?”

Wrong Church

“Why don’t you and your mummie go to the church that me and my mummie go to?”

“‘Cause we belong to a different abomination.”

Why Not Your Own?

Irritable Husband (to wife driving a nail): “However do you expect to knock a nail in the wall with a clothes brush? For goodness sake use your head.”

In Full Agreement

Wife: “Do you know, I have a very small mouth. In the glass it doesn’t look large enough to hold my tongue.”

Husband (testily): “It isn’t!”

Palatable Vacuums

George: “Say, do you know what becomes of the holes in doughnuts?”

Edward: “No – what?”

George: “They use ‘em to stuff macaroni!”

Oh, Those Questions!

“What’s the trouble?” asked an excitable woman as the street car stopped suddenly.

“We just ran over a dog,” explained the motorman.

“Was he on the track?”

“No, lady, we chased him up an alley.”

No Fare, Girls!

First Co-ed: “The cheek of that conductor. He glared at me as if I hadn’t paid my fare.”

Second Co-ed: “And what did you do?”

First Co-ed: “I glared right back as if I had.”

It Makes a Difference

Cop (to woman driver) – “Hey, you, why don’t youse look where yer goin’?”

Woman – “Well, you see, officer, this is the first time I’ve ever driven from the front seat.”

A Sure Cure

A subscriber to “The Literary Digest” forwarded the following clipping to that periodical:

“Dear Doctor: “My pet billy goat is seriously ill from eating a complete leather bound set of Shakespeare. What do you prescribe?”

Answer: “Am sending ‘Literary Digest’ by return mail.”

Too Chatty

Barber: “Wet or dry, sir?”

Customer: “Comb the hair; never mind my politics.”

Age of Opportunity

Oldtime mosquito (to young mosquito): “And to think that when I was your age I could bite girls only on the face and hands.”

It Might Be New

Husband (arriving home late): “Can’t you guess where I’ve been?”

Wife: “I can; but tell your story.”

Not Enough Boy

“Did you see my sunburst last night?” inquired the pompous Mrs. Newrich of her poorest neighbor.

“No, I didn’t,” said the poor neighbor caustically, “but I certainly thought he would if he ate another bite.”

Had Only Just Started

A man in a Packard was easing along at 55 one day last week and noticed one of the new Fords gaining on him. He fed more gas, but the Ford kept on gaining . … When he had the Packard up to 70 the Ford crept up alongside of him and the worried-looking operator stuck his head out and asked: “Hey, Mister, do you know how to get this thing out of second gear?”

Oh, Think of It

Charles A. Seiders, of Toledo, Ohio, tells of this sign seen on the back of a dilapidated Ford:

“Don’t laugh, girls. What would you look like if you were without paint?”

A Determined Man

“I told my wife that if she bobbed her hair I would leave her.”

“But she bobbed it, and you’re still living with her?”

“You bet I am. I’ll show her she can’t bluff me.”

A Lucky Prisoner

Warden in Model Jail: “We let the prisoners work at their own trades here – blacksmith, shoemaker, carpenter or whatever it may be. Now, what’s your trade?”

New Prisoner: “I’m a traveling salesman, Sir.”

Two of a Kind

“Do you know,” said the successful merchant, pompously, “that I began life as a barefoot boy?”

“Well,” said the clerk, “I wasn’t born with shoes on, either.”

Strong Suspicion

A man was being tried on the charge of shooting a number of pigeons on the property of a farmer. In giving his evidence the farmer was exceedingly careful, even nervous, and the attorney for the defense endeavored to frighten him.

“Now,” the lawyer remarked, “are you prepared to swear that this man shot your pigeons?”

“I didn’t say he shot ‘em,” was the reply. “I said I suspected him o’ doing it.”

“Ah, now we’re coming to it. What made you suspect that man?”

“Well, firstly, I caught him on my land wi’ a gun. Secondly, I heard a gun go off an’ saw some pigeons fall. Thirdly, I foun’ four o’ my pigeons in his pocket – and I don’t think them birds flew there and committed suicide.”

One Letter Meant Much

The doctor had forgotten his patients’ name; but, not willing to admit it, said: “Is your name spelled with ‘i’ or ‘e’?”

The astonished patient answered: “Why, doctor, my name is Hill.”

Agreed

Poet: “The editor has bought my poem, and he is crazy to print it.”

Critic: “That’s what I thought when I read it!”



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