The teacher in a public school had an incorrigible girl to deal with, and for the twentieth time had taken her aside for a little heart-to-heart talk on the subject of conduct, and was apparently making a good impression on the child’s mind, for she was attentive and observant as she never had been before, not taking her eyes off the teacher’s face while she was talking, so that the tea her was inwardly congratulating herself, until the scholar broke in with:
“Why, Miss Mary Jane, when you talk your upper jaw doesn’t move a bit!”
Sharpening Their Wits
Two human Whetstones met on the street.
“Queer, isn’t it?”
“The night falls – ”
“– but it doesn’t break.”
“And the day breaks – ”
“– but it doesn’t fall.”
“No – but it’s getting very warm.”
“Yes, it is.”
“There would be a big thaw but for one thing – ”
“And what’s that?”
“There’s nothing froze.”
And they parted.
There are very few men who can handle a red-hot lamp-chimney and at the same time say, “There is no place like home,” without getting – confused.
[I know; I don’t get it either.]
God Bless Our Home
A lonely traveler on horseback, riding through a dreary section of the far West, eagerly scanned the horizon for some signs of a human habitation. At last away in the distance he spied a cabin, put his horse to a trot, only to find the house deserted. Nailed on the front door was a sheet of paper on which he read the following pathetic story:
Five miles from water.
Ten miles from timber.
A hundred miles from a neighbor.
A hundred and fifty miles from a post office.
Two hundred and fifty miles from a railroad.
God bless our home!
We have gone East to spend the winter with my wife’s folks.
An Inquisitive Boy
Bobbie was taken to church for the first time, and his dear Aunt Lou, who took him there, “just wondered how he would behave.” She soon discovered, for Bobbie was no sooner seated in the pew than he observed a very bald-headed man two seats to the front and exclaimed in a loud whisper which set everybody smiling, “Oh, Aunt Lou! There’s a man with a skinned head!” Aunt Lou’s face was crimson, and she shook him, but it did little good, for when the minister took his place in the chancel, the boy remarked, “Another man with a skinned head!” Things were getting uncomfortable, and reached their climax when the boy, seeing the choir up in the gallery, called out, “Oh, Aunt Lou! what are all those people doing up there on the mantel-piece?
Finally the Worm Turned
A muscular Irishman strolled into the Civil Service examination-room where candidates for the police force are put to a physical test.
“Strip,” ordered the police surgeon.
“What’s that?” demanded the uninitiated.
“Get your clothes off, and be quick about it,” said the doctor.
The Irishman disrobed, and permitted the doctor to measure his chest and legs and to pound his back.
“Hop over this bar,” ordered the doctor.
The man did his best, landing on his back.
“Now double up your knees and touch the floor with your hands.”
He sprawled, face downward, on the floor. He was indignant but silent.
“Jump under the cold shower,” ordered the doctor.
“Sure, that’s funny!” muttered the applicant.
“Now run around the room ten times to test your heart and wind,” directed the doctor.
The candidate rebelled. “I’ll not. I’ll stay single.”
“Single?” asked the doctor, surprised.
“Sure,” said the Irishman, “what’s all this fussing got to do with a marriage license?!”
He had strayed into the wrong bureau.
“Do you believe in luck?”
“Yes, sir. How else could I account for the success of my neighbors?
“Sir, I have all the gems of English literature in my library.”
“Yes, and I notice they are uncut gems.”
A Good Way
Mrs. Higgins – “I just love to shut my eyes and think.”
Mr. Higgins – “Why don’t you try that with your mouth sometime, dear?”
Freddie – “What’s an optimist, dad?”
Cobwigger – “He’s the fellow who doesn’t know what’s coming to him.”
Miss Byrd – “I’m never happy unless I’m breaking into song.”
Bright Young Man – “Why don’t you get the key and you don’t have to break in?”
First Deaf Mute – “He wasn’t so very angry, was he?”
Second Deaf Mute – “He was so wild that the words he used almost blistered his fingers.”
The Vacuum Cleaner
Percy – “I was dusting off my desk this morning when a wude man came in.”
Harold – “Yes?”
Percy – “And he asked my employah wheah he got the vacuum cleaner.”
K.M. Wharry was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake in Colorado he had in contemplation.
“Are there any trout out there?” asked one friend.
“Thousands of ‘em,” replied Mr. Wharry.
“Will they bite easily?” asked another friend.
“Will they?” said Mr. Wharry. “Why, they’re absolutely vicious. A man has to hide behind a tree to bait a hook.”