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Funny Bones, 1931 (4th set)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - November 06, 2010

More funnies from the Juvenile Instructor of 1931 –

Desperate Moment

Mother – “Johnny, if you eat more cake, you’ll burst.”

Johnny – “Well, pass the cake and get outta the way.”

Who Wouldn’t?

Johnny: “What makes the new baby at your house cry so much, Tommy?”

Tommy: “It doesn’t – and, anyway, if all your teeth were out, your hair off, and your legs so weak you couldn’t stand on them, I guess you’d feel like crying yourself.”

Fresh Milkmaid

“How is the milkmaid?” he said with a bow.

“It isn’t made, sir – it comes from a cow.”

Why Worry?

Minister: “Do you say your prayers every night, Oswald?”

“No – some nights I don’t want anything.”

Knew His Medicine

Doctor: “Now, young man, what have you got to say for yourself?”

His Son (in for a licking): “How about a little local anesthetic?”

A Novelty

“Do you see that young man standing over there next to the flivver with the golf pants on?”

“I see the fellow, all right; but where is the flivver with the golf pants on?”

The Puzzle Solved

A Florida tourist shot a big alligator and thereby saved a very small and very dirty child. Taking him to a nearby house, he related to Mama what had happened. She very casually thanked him and remarked: “I knew somethin’ was catchin’ these kids, but I didn’t know what it was.”

Paradise Lost Again

“What’s this, honey?” said Mrs. Youngbride’s husband as he speared a slab from the dish.

“Lucifer cake, dear.”

“I thought you said you were going to make angel cake.”

“I was, but it fell.”

Couldn’t Wait Forever

A road contractor ordered a carload of material from his jobber. The jobber wired him: “Cannot ship your order until last consignment is paid for.”

The contractor wired back: “Unable to wait so long. Cancel the order.”

Convinced

The circus strong man rode out on horseback to challenge a farmer whose great strength had gained him a reputation. he entered the farmyard, tied up his horse, and approached the farmer.

“Hey,” he said, “I’ve heard a lot about you, and have come a long way to see which is the better man.”

Without answering, the farmer seized the intruder, hurled him bodily over the fence into the road, and returned to his work.

When the lower had recovered his breath, the farmer growled, “Have you anything more to say to me?”

“No,” was the reply, “but perhaps you’ll be good enough to throw me my horse.”

Splinters

James: “Father, can you write your name with your eyes shut?”

Father: “I think so, James.”

James: “All right, father, then let’s see you shut them and sign this report card.”

Regretted His Absence

The Colonel touring Europe on his leave of absence did not forget the one he left behind. His son received a card from Sparta saying:

“This is the cliff from which the Spartans used to throw their defective children. Wish you were here.”

A Welcome Suggestion

Irate Parent: “I’ll teach you to make love to my daughter!”

Suitor: “I wish you would, old boy. I’m not making much headway.”

Or Eating Trout

Teacher: “What is your idea of harmony?”

Freshman: “A freckle faced girl in a polka dot dress leading a giraffe.”

Helpful Husband

“What’s the matter, Oscar – you look terrible.”

“My wife’s on a diet.”

John D’s Art

“Have you an oil painting of John D. Rockefeller?”

“No, ma’am, no one has. He has never been done in oil.”

Alone in France

“And there, son, you have the story of your dad and the Great War.”

“Yes, Dad, but why did they need all the other soldiers?”

Born Under a Truck

Teacher – “Johnny, can you tell me what a waffle is?”

Johnny – “Yes’m, it’s a pancake with a non-skid tread.”

Waiting to Be Shown

“Why are you sharpening your razor?”

“Woman, there’s a pair of gentleman’s shoes under your bed. If there isn’t a strange man IN those shoes – I’m gonna shave!”

Next Best Thing

Old Gentleman (bewildered at the elaborate wedding) – “Are you the bridegroom?”

Young Man – “No, sir; I was eliminated in the semi-finals.”

One Down

An enthusiastic angler took his friend fishing. The friend knew nothing about the gentler art, and the experienced one had to give hi all the necessary tackle. the angler started fishing a few yards upstream. Presently the novice said:

“How much do those red and green things cost?”

“You mean the float? Oh – I guess about a dime.”

“Well,” said the novice, “I owe you a dime – mine has sunk.”

Oh – That’s Different

“I want justice!” shouted the man who was being tried. “I demand justice!”

“Silence!” commanded the judge. “Remember – you’re in a courtroom!”

The Difference

“What is Boston noted for?”

“Boots and shoes.”

“Correct. And Chicago?”

“Shoots and booze.”



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