Back to 1942 for more –
A young theologian named Fiddle
Refused to accept his degree,
Saying it’s bad enough to be Fiddle,
Without being Fiddle, D.D.
Yes, We See
“Come tomorrow evening sure. Papa is at home, but he is laid up with a very sore foot. See? Mary.”
“I can’t come tomorrow evening. I’m laid up on account of your father’s sore foot. See? Tom.”
A Great Success
1st Actor: “I played Hamlet once, in the West.”
2nd Actor: “Did you have a long run?”
1st Actor: “To tell the truth, it was seven miles.”
Pitied His Mother
Nina: “He said he would kiss me or die in the attempt.”
Gladys: “Well, what happened?”
Nina: “I remembered that he had no life insurance and I pitied his poor old mother.”
Needs a Background
Mrs. Black: “How do you like my new hat, Mrs. White?”
Mrs. White: “Ah, it looks lovely, dearie, but it does make your face look kinda shabby.”
“Considering she’s 40, the boss’s new stenographer is a remarkably well preserved woman, don’t you think?
“Well, she ought to be. She got pickled last night and he canned her this morning.”
Having eaten a cake of yeast – she rose to the occasion.
Then there was the bowlegged floorwalker who said to the customer, “Walk this way, please.”
“What’s an iceberg, Daddy?”
“Why, it’s a kind of a permanent wave, son.”
Margie: “Mom, what is a trousseau?
Mom: “Oh, it’s the clothes a bride wears for six or seven years after she’s married.”
Mrs. Smith: “Can you think of anything more embarrassing than to get locked into the bathroom when you have company, and not being able to get out?”
Mrs. Jones: “Yes – not being able to get in.”
No Need to Worry
A lovely girl with red hair entered the car and sat down beside a youth.
Youth (edging away): “I must not get too close or I shall catch fire.”
Girl: “Don’t be alarmed; green wood never catches fire.”
She Will Try
Joe: “Will your wife hit the ceiling when you come in at this hour?”
Moe: “Probably; she’s a rotten shot.”
Teacher: “Why did Noah take two of each kind of animal into the ark?”
Pupil: “Because he didn’t believe that story about the stork.”
Salesman: “These shirts simply laugh at the laundry.”
Customer: “I know it – I’ve had some come back with their sides split.”
Not Ready for the Dump
A middle-aged woman lost her balance and fell out of a window into a garbage can. A Chinaman passing by remarked, “Amelicans vely wasteful. That woman good for ten years yet.” [sorry]
Waiting for Him
He (sheepishly): “I suppose you’re pretty mad at me for coming home with a black eye last night.”
She (sweetly): “Angry? Why, no, dear – don’t you remember? When you came home last night you didn’t have that black eye.”
Any Day a Holiday
Hitler went to a fortune teller. She looked in her crystal, and shook her head sadly. “Dear me,” she murmured. “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”
“It doesn’t make any difference. Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
In the Mental Hospital
An inspector at the insane asylum was approached by an inmate, who sidled up and begged for a piece of toast.
“I’m sorry,” said the inspector, “but I don’t carry toast with me. What do you want it for?”
The lunatic replied, “I’m a poached egg and I want to sit down.”
Can’t Be Done
The modern genius is the man who can shift gears in an Austin without getting his face slapped.
“I understand your wife came from a fine old family.”
“Came is hardly the word; she brought it with her.”