Back to 1942 for more –

Wrong Degree

A young theologian named Fiddle
Refused to accept his degree,
Saying it’s bad enough to be Fiddle,
Without being Fiddle, D.D.

Yes, We See

“Dear Tom:

“Come tomorrow evening sure. Papa is at home, but he is laid up with a very sore foot. See? Mary.”

“Dear Mary:

“I can’t come tomorrow evening. I’m laid up on account of your father’s sore foot. See? Tom.”

A Great Success

1st Actor: “I played Hamlet once, in the West.”

2nd Actor: “Did you have a long run?”

1st Actor: “To tell the truth, it was seven miles.”

Pitied His Mother

Nina: “He said he would kiss me or die in the attempt.”

Gladys: “Well, what happened?”

Nina: “I remembered that he had no life insurance and I pitied his poor old mother.”

Needs a Background

Mrs. Black: “How do you like my new hat, Mrs. White?”

Mrs. White: “Ah, it looks lovely, dearie, but it does make your face look kinda shabby.”

Finished Job

“Considering she’s 40, the boss’s new stenographer is a remarkably well preserved woman, don’t you think?

“Well, she ought to be. She got pickled last night and he canned her this morning.”

Early Rising

Having eaten a cake of yeast – she rose to the occasion.

Crooked Leadership

Then there was the bowlegged floorwalker who said to the customer, “Walk this way, please.”

Hard Water

“What’s an iceberg, Daddy?”

“Why, it’s a kind of a permanent wave, son.”

Unromantic Mother

Margie: “Mom, what is a trousseau?

Mom: “Oh, it’s the clothes a bride wears for six or seven years after she’s married.”

Quiz Time

Mrs. Smith: “Can you think of anything more embarrassing than to get locked into the bathroom when you have company, and not being able to get out?”

Mrs. Jones: “Yes – not being able to get in.”

No Need to Worry

A lovely girl with red hair entered the car and sat down beside a youth.

Youth (edging away): “I must not get too close or I shall catch fire.”

Girl: “Don’t be alarmed; green wood never catches fire.”

She Will Try

Joe: “Will your wife hit the ceiling when you come in at this hour?”

Moe: “Probably; she’s a rotten shot.”

Smart

Teacher: “Why did Noah take two of each kind of animal into the ark?”

Pupil: “Because he didn’t believe that story about the stork.”

Proof

Salesman: “These shirts simply laugh at the laundry.”

Customer: “I know it – I’ve had some come back with their sides split.”

Not Ready for the Dump

A middle-aged woman lost her balance and fell out of a window into a garbage can. A Chinaman passing by remarked, “Amelicans vely wasteful. That woman good for ten years yet.” [sorry]

Waiting for Him

He (sheepishly): “I suppose you’re pretty mad at me for coming home with a black eye last night.”

She (sweetly): “Angry? Why, no, dear – don’t you remember? When you came home last night you didn’t have that black eye.”

Any Day a Holiday

Hitler went to a fortune teller. She looked in her crystal, and shook her head sadly. “Dear me,” she murmured. “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?”

“It doesn’t make any difference. Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

In the Mental Hospital

An inspector at the insane asylum was approached by an inmate, who sidled up and begged for a piece of toast.

“I’m sorry,” said the inspector, “but I don’t carry toast with me. What do you want it for?”

The lunatic replied, “I’m a poached egg and I want to sit down.”

Can’t Be Done

The modern genius is the man who can shift gears in an Austin without getting his face slapped.

A Demonstration

“I understand your wife came from a fine old family.”

“Came is hardly the word; she brought it with her.”