Room for (F) All

Patron: “This is a very large skating rink you have here.”

Manager: “Yes, it has a seating capacity of ten thousand.”

—oooOooo—

Teacher: What is the meaning of the word ‘matrimony,’ Robert?”

Robert: “Father says it isn’t a word; it’s a sentence.”

—oooOooo—

Mother: Janey, there were two pieces of cake left at supper time and I put them in the pantry. Now there is only one. Do you know how that happened?”

Janey: “Why, mother, I don’t know, unless it was so dark in there that I didn’t see the other piece.”

Short Lived

Passenger: “I say, driver, what is the average life of a locomotive?”

Driver: “Oh, about thirty years, sir.”

Passenger: “I should think such a tough looking thing would last longer than that.”

Driver: “Well, perhaps it would, sir, if it didn’t smoke so much.”

What It Means

“Dad, tell me, what does bankruptcy mean?”

“Bankruptcy, my boy, is when you put your money in your hip pocket and let your creditors take your coat.”

Line’s Busy

Johnny: “Mrs. Jackson, can I use your phone?”

Mrs. Jackson: “Certainly. Is yours out of order?”

Johnny: “No, but Sis is holding the window up with the receiver, Maw is cutting biscuits with the mouthpiece, and the baby is teething on the cord.”

How Should He Know?

A traveling ventriloquist attended a funeral service out of curiosity. Just as they were about to lower the body into the grave, a voice from the casket seemed to say: “Let me down easy, boys.”

Later one of the pallbearers was telling of the unnatural occurrence, although still ignorant of its cause.

“Did they go ahead and bury him anyway?” asked a listener.

“How do you suppose I know?” replied the pallbearer in a voice that still trembled.

The Carioca

Beta: “Did Clarice enjoy her date with Joe last night?”

Alpha: “She was never so humiliated in her life. When he started to eat his soup, five couples got up and began dancing.”

—oooOooo—

1st Citizen: “Did you swear to your income tax papers?”

2nd Citizen: “I swore to them, at them, through them, in them, over them, under them, before them, behind them, about them, and all around them, if that is what you mean.”

Well Matched

The boys at the corner were discussing the impending marriage of a buddy.

“That’s an accomplished girl Ben is going to marry,” observed one of the men. “She can swim, ride, dance, drive a car, and pilot a plane: a real all-around girl.”

“They should get along fine,” replied another. “You know Ben is a good cook.”

Reducing the Average

Father: “Son, your school report shows a lot of very low marks. How about it?”

Son: “Well, you see, dad, everything’s so high nowadays I thought it was time some items were marked down.”

Quick Action

The decrepit old car rolled up to the toll bridge.

“Fifty cents,” called out the gateman.

“Sold,” replied the driver.

No Race suicide Here

Prospective Tenant to Landlord: “Nice place you have here. Is it free from cockroaches?”

Landlord: “There isn’t a single one around.”

Voice from the Alley: “Correct; they’re all married and have children.”

Cute Kid

“If you are good, Richie, I’ll give you this bright new penny.”

“Haven’t you got a dirty old nickel?”

Indifferent

Harold: “Next to a beautiful girl, what do you consider the most interesting thing in the world?”

Michael: “When I’m next to a beautiful girl I never bother about statistics.”

Saved

“Gosh, I need five bucks and I don’t know where to get it.”

“I’m glad of that. I was afraid you thought you could get it from me.”

Boo!

“And this, I suppose, is one of those hideous caricatures you call modern art.”

“Nope, that’s just a mirror.”

Gone Modern

Mrs. Jawsom: “So the De Styles are divorced? Which of them got the dogs?”

Jawsom: “She did, of course. But the judge allowed him the privilege of seeing them once a month.

Too Biased

Pollotz: “But, Max, why don’t you like girls?”

Max: “They’re too darn biased.”

Pollotz: “Biased?”

Max: “Yes, biased. It’s bias this, and bias that, until I’m flat broke.”

Patriotism Gone Wild

Lola: “The rapidly increasing divorce rate proves that America is fast becoming the land of the free.”

Lulu: “Yes, and the continuance of the marriage rate shows that it is still the home of the brave.”

Tit for Tat

“Some of you pedestrians walk as if you owned the streets.”

“Yes, and some of you motorists drive around just as if you owned your cars.”

Grapevine Information

“Your car is dirty.”

“How do you know?”

“A little bird told me.”

A Wise Precaution

Father was standing at the edge of a cliff admiring the sea below, the sandwiches clutched in his hand. His son approached him and tugged at his coat.

“Mother says it isn’t safe here,” said the boy. “And you’re either to come away or else give me the sandwiches!”

Conclusive Proof

Bill (viciously attacking a piece of chicken): “This must be an incubator chicken.”

Joe: “Why?”

Bill: “No chicken with a mother could be so tough.”