More irreverances from the church magazines, this time of 1910 –
John – “Say, Mamma, was baby from heaven?”
Mamma – “Yes, dearie.”
John – “They like to have it quiet up there, don’t they?”
Discussing the Luncheon
Up Hill and Down Dale
An Irishman and a Jew were traveling together in the country. They lost their way and asked the next farmer they met which of two roads ahead led to a certain town. The farmer, with a merry twinkle in his eyes and a knowing wink, said, “Follow your noses.”
“But,” they exclaimed, “we wanted to go together!”
In the barber-shop the scissors clicked merrily away, and the barber’s dog lay on the floor close beside the chair, looking up intently all the time at the occupant who was having his hair cut.
“Nice dog, that,” said the customer.
“He is, sir,” said the barber.
“He seems very fond of watching you cut hair.”
“It ain’t that, sir,” explained the barber, smiling. “Sometimes I make a mistake and take a little piece off a customer’s ear!”
Life’s Sunny Side
Of a certain bishop, famous as being the plainest man in England, the following pleasing tale is told:
One day as this homely person sat in an omnibus he was amazed by the persistent staring of a fellow passenger, who presently unburdened himself as follows:
“You’re a parson, aren’t you?”
“Well, yes; that is so.”
“Look ‘ere, parson, would you mind comin’ ‘ome with me to see my wife?”
Imagining the wife was sick and needed assistance, the clergyman, at great inconvenience to himself, went with the man. Ion arriving at the house the man shouted to his wife to come down stairs, and when she did he pointed to the astonished parson and said with a grin of delight:
“Look, ‘e ‘ere, Sairry, yer said this mornin’ as I was the hugliest chap in England. Now, just look at this bloke.”
A Narrow Escape
“How many times have you been married?”
“Three, but –”
“Madam,” he interrupted. “I’m taking the census, not proposing.”
Wife. – “I suppose if you should meet some pretty young girl you would cease to care for me.”
Husband. – “What nonsense you talk! What do I care for youth or beauty? You suit me all right.”
There were once some kitty cats
Who lived by a river’s bank;
They drank of the water
Much more than they oughter
Till all but their cat-tails sank!
Then sad was the cow by the lake,
Who took there a daily dip;
But the bank it was steep,
And it ‘most makes me weep –
There grows there a big cow-slip!
There were once some little pups
Who barked more than they should,
Till round trees in the dark
they lost most of their bark,
Which never a wise dog would!
A Case of Necessity
A weary guest at a small and not very clean country inn was repeatedly called, the morning after his arrival, by the man of all work.
“See here!” he finally burst forth, “how many times have I told you I don’t want to be called! I want to sleep!”
“I know, suh, but they’ve got to have th’ sheets, anyhow. It’s almost’ eight o’clock an’ they’s waitin’ for de table-cloth.”
What Mother Tells Me
When Mother was a little maid
She was so very good –
I really often think that she
Must have been made of wood.
She never, never played a trick
On her pet pussy “Tib”;
She would not tease; she would not tell
The tiniest little fib.
She always kept her dresses clean;
Her curls were brushed just right;
She never cried and coaxed that she
Might stay up late at night.
And very often, when I’ve been
In mischief and been bad,
I think, “Ain’t it an awful shame
That I took after Dad?”
“Now, my boy, tell me how you know an old partridge from a young one,” asked the squire.
“By the teeth, sir.”
“Nonsense, boy! You ought to know that a partridge hasn’t any teeth.”
“No, sir, but I have.”
Nodd – “Mourn for me, old man; I married a woman with absolutely no sense of humor.”
Todd – “That’s nothing to my cross.”
Nodd – “What’s that?”
Todd – “My wife has one.”
A New Idea of Economy
“Tommy,” said the fond mother, “isn’t it rather an extravagance to eat both butter and jam on your bread at the same time?”
“No, ma’am, it’s economy,” Tommy answered. “the same piece of bread does for both.”
Yet We Say They Do
A man who likes to delve into the English language and point out its incongruities recently came out of his latest trance, and asked a friend these questions:
Did you ever see a stone step?
Or a peanut stand?
Or a sardine box?
Or a sausage roll?
Or an apple turn over?
Or hair die?
Or a day pass by?
Or a horse fly?
Or a snake dance?
Or a night fall?
Or a ship spar?
Or sugar bowl?
Or a vine run?
Or a cracker box?
Or a bed spring?
Or a rail fence?
Or a ginger snap?
Or a skate fish?
Or a bottle fly?
Or a man catch his breath?
Or hear a bed tick?
Or see a clock run?
Or see ink stand?
Or a man pull up a river?