But She Still Lives
“I thought you loved a fair-haired girl?”
“I did, but she dyed!”
Too Much Repression
Henry: “Does your wife enjoy the radio?”
George: “No! You see, it’s all listening.”
Knew His Onions
City Banker (visiting farm): “Ah, I suppose that’s the hired man?”
Farmer (who had visited banks): “No, that’s the first vice-president in charge of the cows.”
“What makes you scratch your head?”
“Because,” said the youngster, “I’m the only one that knows it itches.”
It takes 1,500 nuts to hold an automobile together, but only one to scatter it all over the landscape.
“Hullo, Smith,” phoned Jones, “have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?”
“Yes,” replied Smith, “Where are you speaking from?”
One More Chance
“Cohn, I’ve lost my pocketbook!”
“Have you looked in all your pockets?”
“Sure, all but der lefthand hip pocket.”
“Vell, vy don’t you look in dot?”
“Because if it ain’t dere I’ll drop dead.”
So This Is London
“London is the foggiest place in the world.”
“Oh, no, it’s not. I’ve been in a place foggier than London.”
“Where was that?”
“I don’t know where it was, it was so foggy.”
Little Hans came home with two black eyes and a battered face.
“Fighting again,” said his mother. “Didn’t I tell you that when you were angry you should count to a hundred before you did anything?”
“Yes, mother, but the other boy’s mother had told him to only count up to fifty.”
Little girl (to grandfather): “Grandpa, why don’t you grow hair on your head?”
Grandpa: “Well, why doesn’t grass grow on a busy street?”
Little Girl: “Oh, I see; it can’t get up through the concrete.”
Too Much Anatomy
Johnny, out to dinner, thrice refused chicken gravy of which he was very fond. His hostess, who had added macaroni to the gravy, finally said: “Why, I thought you liked chicken gravy?”
“I do sometimes,” replied Johnny, “but my mama never puts the windpipes in.”
The Free Press
A Scotchman was discovered wandering around Detroit one day with a pair of rumpled trousers over his arm.
“Can I help you in any way?” asked a kindly citizen.
“Mon,” replied the Scott, “I’m looking for the Detroit Free Press.”
“Cook tells me you want to go out tonight, Mary. Is it urgent?”
“No, mum; it’s mine.”
Henry, How Could You?
Mrs. Talkwords: “Henry, you were talking in your sleep last night.”
Henry: “Pardon me for interrupting you.”
Weighted in the Balance
“I gave that man fifty cents for saving my life.”
“What did he do?”
“Gave me back twenty cents change.”
Minister’s Wife: “Wake up! There are burglars in the house.”
Minister: “Well, what of it? Let them find out their mistake themselves.”
A Good Idea
“Isn’t it strange! My best ideas come to me while I am washing my hands!”
“Say, old man, why don’t you take a bath?”
Worked Himself Out of a Job
“Yes, I used to be in politics myself. I was dog-catcher in my town for two years, but finally lost my job.”
“What was the matter – change of mayors?”
“Nope. I caught the dog.”
A student who had failed in all the subjects he took at school wired his brother: “Failed in all five subjects. prepare papa.”
The brother telegraphed back: “Papa prepared. Prepare yourself.”
Doing Good by Stealth
“I was shocked to hear that Smithers eloped with your wife. I always thought he was your best friend.”
“He is, but he doesn’t know it yet.”
Mrs. Brown had tried hard to make her boy refrain from taking such large mouthfuls. At last one day, her patience exhausted, she exclaimed, “Jack, one more bite like that and you’ll leave the table!”
And Jack replied, “One more bite like that and I’ll be through.”
Old Farmer Tightmoney wasn’t exactly stingy, but mighty economical. One day he fell into the cistern. The water was over his head and cold, but he could swim. His wife, attracted by his cries, yelled excitedly down to him: “I’ll ring the dinner bell so the boys will come home and pull you out.”
“What time is it?” the farmer called up.
“‘Bout eleven o’clock.”
“No, let ‘em work on ‘til dinner time. I’ll just swim around ‘til they come.”
“Where were you boys when I called for you to help me an hour ago?” asked Farmer Jones at the supper table.
“I was in the barn settin’ a hen,” said one.
“And I was in the loft settin’ a saw,” answered another.
“I was in grandma’s room settin’ the clock,” came from the third boy.
“I was up in the pantry settin’ a trap,” said the fourth.
“You’re a fine set,” remarked the farmer. “And where were you?” he asked, turning to the youngest.
“I was on the doorstep settin’ still,” was the reply.