More stuff that would never appear in today’s church magazines! From our mags of 1933 —
Blood from a Dead Beat
The smart young fellow stepped out of the taxi.
“Sorry, old chap,” he said, “but I can’t pay you. You can’t get blood out of a turnip, you know.”
“No,” said the taxi-driver, taking off his coat, “but you ain’t no turnip.”
An Irishman got a job at a railway station. When the first train came in, however, he forgot the name of the station; so he called out: “Here ye are for where ye are going. All in there for here, come out.”
Mike: “So you’re a salesman, are you? What do you sell?”
Mike: “I’m a salt seller, too.”
Will and Won’t
A man was struggling with a balky mule when a bystander said: “Hey, where’s your will power?”
“My will power is right here with me, but you oughta see this here animal’s won’t power.”
Tommy, ten years old, applied for a job as a grocery boy for the summer. The grocer wanted a serious-minded youth, so he put Tommy to a little test.
“Well, my boy, what would you do with a million dollars?” he asked.
“Oh, gee, I don’t know – I wasn’t expecting so much at the start.”
A young undergraduate was being taken to task for having exceeded his leave by two days.
“Well,” said the professor, “what have you to say for yourself?”
“I’m awfully sorry,” replied the student. “I really couldn’t get back before. I was detained by most important business.”
“So you wanted two more days of grace, did you?”
“No, sir – of Gladys.”
Teacher: “Are you sure this is a purely original composition?”
Bill: “Yes, ma’am; but you may find one or two of the words in the dictionary.”
A well-known woman is a famous Mrs. Malaprop as regards her speech.
“And what in France,” asked a friend, “did you enjoy the most, Mrs. —–?”
“Well, I think,” said the lady, “it was the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise.”
Little Oswald, four years old, was a precocious child of this motor age. He had just returned from Sunday School.
“Hello, my little man,” Grandmother greeted him. “Can you tell Grammuvver the memory verse you learned today?”
“Yes,” answered Oswald, brightly; “the Lord is my chauffeur, I shall not walk.”
Who Says So?
Man: “Boy! When I kiss my wife, she just closes her eyes so tight.”
Neighbor (with enthusiasm): “I’ll say she does.”
Man: “What’s that?”
Neighbor (not so enthusiastic): “I said, does she?”
The mill foreman came upon two men walking slowly up the road, single file.
“Say, you, why aren’t you worthless hands working?”
“We’re working, boss. We’re carrying this plank up to the mill.”
“What plank? I don’t see any plank.”
“Well, for gosh sakes! If we ain’t gone and forgot the plank!”
Teacher: “Alfred, come here and give me what you have in your mouth.”
Alfred: “I’d like to. It’s the toothache.”
Just Old Pals
He: “I have a sort of feeling I’ve danced with you before somewhere.”
She: “So have I. The pressure of your foot seems familiar.”
Mother: “Tommy, what are you doing in the pantry?”
Tommy: “Oh, just putting a few things away.”
“I am grieved, Sir,” said the head clerk, “to hear of the junior partner’s death. Would you like me to take his place?”
“Very much,” replied the senior partner, “if you can get the undertaker to arrange it.”
What a Look
Rag Man: “Any beer bottles, lady?”
Lady: “Do I look as if I drank beer?”
Rag Man: “Well, any vinegar bottles, lady?”
One: “Do you know how far apart your ears are?”
Two: “Now, how far is it?”
One: “A block.”
Down on Him!
Maurice: “Don’t you think my mustache becoming?”
Maureen: “It may be coming, but it hasn’t arrived yet.”