Prepare to guffaw — Here’s to the joke page of the 1940 Juvenile Instructor:
“What are the prices of the seats, mister?”
“Front seats one shilling, back seats six-pence, and program a penny.”
“I’ll sit on a program, please.”
English professor: “Correct this sentence: ‘Before any damage could be done, the fire was put out by the volunteer fire department’.”
Student: “The fire was put out before any damage could be done by the volunteer fire department.”
A Clinging Vine
Dolly: “Does your husband like clinging gowns?”
Molly: “He sure does. He likes one to cling to me for about five years.”
He Knew How
The newlyweds had just got off their train.
“John, dear, said the bride, “let’s try to make the people think we’ve been married a long time.”
“All right, honey,” was the answer, “you carry the suitcase.”
The Corn Stork
Baby Ear of Corn: “Mama, where did I come from?”
Mama Ear of Corn: “Hush, dear; the stalk brought you.”
She: “What are all those men doing in a circle with their heads together? is it a football team?”
He: “No, my dear, just a bunch of Scotchmen lighting a cigaret.”
A Sudden Change
Man of House (roaring with rage) – “Who told you to put that paper on the wall?”
Paperhanger – “Your wife, sir.”
Man of House – “Pretty, isn’t it?”
Putwell was proud of his golf, and had brought his mother-in-law along to watch him play.
“I’m particularly anxious to make a perfect drive just now,” he told a friend. “That’s my mother-in-law over there, and – ”
“Don’t be a fool,” said the friend. “You’ll never hit her at 200 yards.”
Bookkeeper; “I’ll have to have a raise, sir. There are three other companies after me.”
Boss: “Is that so? What companies?”
Bookkeeper: “Light, ‘phone and water.”
He: “Ellen, what do you feel when I glide with you over the floor in a long, dreamy waltz?”
She: “Your feet.”
Out on a Tear
“Say, Sambo, that was certainly some tear you gave your britches when you slid into second base.”
“Yes, sir. Come mighty nigh having to call the game on account of darkness.”
“How long are you in jail for?”
“What’s the charge?”
“No charge. Everything is free.”
“I mean, what did you do?”
“Shot my wife.”
“Shot your wife and only in jail two weeks?”
“That’s all. Then I get hung.”
Wifflebotham: “Young man, have you the firmness of character that enables a person to go on and do his duty in the face of ingratitude, criticism, and heartless ridicule?”
Jones: “I ought to have, sir. I cooked for a fishing party two full weeks.”
Visitor: “I suppose you’ve been in the navy so long that you’re used to sea legs.”
Sailor: “Lady, I wasn’t even looking.”
“I’ve decided on a name for the baby,” said the young mother. “I shall call her Euphrosyne.”
Her husband did not care for the selection, but being a tactful fellow, he was far too wise to declare his objection.
“Splendid,” he said cheerfully. “The first girl I ever loved was called Euphrosyne, and the name will revive pleasant memories.”
There was a brief period of silence, then: “We’ll call her Elizabeth, after my mother,” said the young wife firmly.
No Fighting There
Little Louise was lost and taken to the police station. The officer tried every way to learn her name. Finally one of the officers asked, “What name does your mother call your father?”
“Why,” said Louise, innocently, “She don’t call him any name; she likes him.”
A Little Twisted
Dinocan – “I still say that our candidate’s speech was both original and good.”
Dzudi – “Certainly – only the original part wasn’t good and the good part wasn’t original.”
An Autumn Idyll
Poet – “I wish to die in some primeval forest with the autumn leaves covering me like a soft mantle.”
Sally – “Yes, just like a nut.”
An Old Saw
Whiffle – “My, that was a wonderful sleep I had last night. I slept like a log.”
Mrs. W. – “Yes – a log with a saw going through it.”
A Good Candidate
Orrin – “I think I’ll run my wife for Congressman.”
Fred – “Why?”
Orrin – “Because she’s so good at introducing bills into the house.”
“Captain, I’m so worried! What would happen if this ship struck an iceberg?”
“Madam, the iceberg would go on its way as though nothing had happened.”
“Oh, thank you, Captain. I feel so relieved.”
One of Us
At an amateur show one budding star imitated a well-known actor who had consented to appear at the performance. Afterward the amateur tackled the professional.
“Would you mind telling me what you think of my abilities as shown by my impersonations of you?” he asked.
“Well,” said the other cheerfully, “one of us is awful.”
Mr. Henpecked tiptoed into the kitchen and quietly tapped the cook on the shoulder.
“The wife’s mother is staying with us for a holiday,” he said. “Here’s a list of her favorite dishes. Remember, the first time you serve one of them, you’re fired. Understand?”
Our Pun of the Month
Dolly – “Surely you’re not going to let that redhead steal your boy friend!”
Polly – “Never! I’ll dye first!”
Leaning over a roadside fence, the hiker watched an old man working in a garden.
“Which weeds are easiest to kill?” he asked.
‘Widow weeds,” said the old man.
“You only need to say, ‘Wilt thou?’ to them, and they wilt.”