Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1926 (3)
 


Funny Bones, 1926 (3)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - September 11, 2010

Scratching the Record

“Your daughter talks a great deal, doesn’t she?”

“Yes, I think she must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.”

Honest Judgment

“Now, Professor, your candid opinion of my voice.”

“Ah, mees, if you possessed in ze upper register what you lack in ze lower, your future would be assured.”

Acrobatic Parson

The wife of a minister warned him as he went off to officiate at a funeral one rainy day:

“Now, John, don’t stand with your bare head on the damp ground; you’ll catch cold.”

Vice Versa

“Were you hurt while on the eleven?”

“No, while the eleven were on me.”

Optimism

The birthday of the umbrella was recently celebrated.

Many happy returns.

Good Evidence

“You say this is your seat? How can you prove it.”

“Look at your clothes. I left an egg here when I got up.”

Pressing Thought

“You should think of the future.”

“I can’t. It’s my girl’s birthday and I have to think of the present.”

Somnambulism

He: “How are you?”

Me: “Rotten. Got insomnia.”

He: “How come?”

Me: “Woke up twice in geometry class this morning.”

Now What’ll He Do?

Teller: “It’s all off between that fellow Bimbo and the girl he was engaged to.”

Asker: “Is that so? I hadn’t heard.”

Teller: “Yes; he gave her a pair of extra balloon tires for her eight-cylinder roadster at Christmas time.”

Asker: “I should think she would have been pleased.”

Teller: “She would have been, but Bimbo made the mistake of putting on card on them saying, ‘To Go in Your Stockings’.”

His Nose Knows

Waiter (solicitously): “Something wrong with your egg, sir?”

Breakfaster: “Wrong? I ordered a three-minute egg and you’ve brought me a three-year one.”

Saying a Lot

Cohen: Mine girl, she says if I don’t cut oud this cheek-to-cheek dancing she voud bite mine nose.”

Rosenburg: “Py Ghorge, she said a mouthful, didn’t she?”

Overcautious

“Mother, is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?”

“Yes, Jimmy. Why?”

“‘Cause if it is, I kept about ten doctors away this morning – but I’m afraid one’ll have to come soon.”

Knew by Experience

Said the teacher to the little Hebrew boy: “Ikey, is the world flat or round?”

“It ain’t needer vun, teacher,” said Ikey.

“But what is it, Ikey?” asked the teacher, in surprise, “if it is neither round nor flat?”

“Vell,” said Ikey with conviction, “mine fader he says it vos crooked.”

Then Skate Away

Notice in exchange: “To the skating public – “Please co-operate with us by not skating on our ponds until all the ice is cut.”

Getting Into High

Teacher to seven-year-old: “So you have broken off a tooth, have you? How did you do it?”

Seven-year-old: “Oh, shifting gears on a lollipop.”

In Court

Lawyer: “Do you drink?”

Witness (quite huffy): “That’s my business.”

Lawyer: “Have you any other business?”



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