Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Good Morning – What Brings You Here Today?

Good Morning – What Brings You Here Today?

By: Ardis E. Parshall - September 10, 2010

Keepa has a statistics program that reports data about readers’ interaction with Keepa. No, I can’t tell who you are, or what any particular individual does when you visit (I understand that kind of tracking is possible; I don’t and won’t use it). But the program does tell me how many people visited any particular post (six times as many when I rant as when I write a researched post), and the average time readers spend on a page (3:38, currently), how many visitors come from which countries (10,117 from the U.S., 4 from Pakistan, 1 from Albania), and whether you get here by clicking on links at or Facebook or elsewhere.

The program also tells me the search terms people enter into Google that bring them here.

I suppose the purpose for that is so that I can pepper my pages with the words that people search most often, in a bid for greater traffic – not that I would ever consider such a blatant ploy for traffic [marijuana dead “gospel doctrine” “pork and beans” fairies chastity]. Oh, no, I wouldn’t.

Search terms are endlessly fascinating to me. I learn that there are hundreds of LDS teachers looking for ideas beyond the lesson manual – and that you do most of your lesson preparation on Saturday evening or Sunday morning. I hope you find something helpful here – although the person who was hunting a “fun way to teach gospel doctrine” probably did not. Nor did the person looking for “how to pronounce hosea lds” discover that Mormons have any peculiar way of saying the names of Old Testament prophets

I’m pleased that an early post I did on dressing the dead is available to the many people who suddenly find themselves needing this information. During the past 30 days alone, there have been searches for

dressing dead
dressing an endowed member for burial
dressing the dead religion
can anyone help dress a deceased lds person for burial
dressing the dead lds
the process of dressing a dead body
dress dead lds
mormons death and dressing of the dead
mormons dress deceased
death mortuary dressing the dead
how does relief society handle deaths in wards
funeral shroud mormon
dressing the dead

Am I insensitive to have been glad one person was searching for information on “dressing the deceased dead” rather than on zombie fashions for the living dead?

Then there’s that old favorite of the potheads, some of my most loyal readers, apparently.

what the mormons have to say about marijuana
mormon marijuana blog
what is the mormon church’s stance on marijuana
mormons for pot
james e. talmage marijuana
marijuana and the lds church
lds on medical marijuana
the lds church view on marijuana
salicylic acid marijuana
mormon marijuana
“great mormon marijuana myth”
mormon weed
mormons and marijuana

I can’t quite imagine what Keepa posts Google listed that brought readers here for “book of mormon hair styles” or “rayon bloomers” – dare I ask for your opinions? But I think I don’t really want to know what posts people clicked through to read when they searched for “dangerous doctrines taught in prisons today” or “church of permanent male chastity” or “strange stories of people visiting graves of loved ones.” Some things are better left unknown.

I’m glad so many people came to Keepa using “cryptography” as a search term – but I don’t get “english ciphers using finnish alphabet.” Do the Finns not use the same roman alphabet we use in English? Have I ever written otherwise?

Don’t you think Van Camp’s owes me a case of their product after all the free advertising I gave them? Remarkably, these searches all brought visitors in the past month:

van camp’s pork and bean soup
van camp’s beans no pork
gilbert van camp invented camp’s pork & beans
van camp pork and beans without tomato sauce
van camp pork and beans
#10 cans of pork and beans

And you’ll be pleased, I think, to know that “conan doyle is definitely a mastermind.” Maybe not so pleased to hear that “wild west bandits use horses to catch trains.”

My favorite search terms are the ones phrased as questions – it wasn’t just the young ladies of the early 20th century who had questions to ask of Catherine Hurst.   Here are some of the questions for which Keepa presumably provided answers … although in most cases I can’t imagine how (or why Googlers’ grammar is so often so bad, for that matter).

did arthur conan doyle correctly portray mormon harems
do mormons believe in atlantis
does the sacrament tray need to be carried in the right hand
why does power saw attract flies
why rat does not go in trap?
can mormons give urine specimens
who was the son of william h. dane [sic] that left the mormon church
who is paying for morman ads
where do mormons keep valuable documents
did god actually talk to satan in the book of job, lds
what is bigger than a rat
can mormon missionaries wear bow ties
how do I know if I should be a morman
were fairies early hominids
was gene autry a mormon
are scriptures good
does the presidency of the sunday school holds keys
was dempsey mormon?
did realy raven provide food to elijah in archaelogy?
does utah schools teach false history
should a mormon guy kiss a girl when he gets off his mission
does the moroni statue always faces the east?
mormons don’t give blood?
did john allred serve an lds mission

While I can’t really speak to the matter of fairies as hominids, I do hope Mormon guys continue kissing girls post-mission. Give your urine samples, people. Be assured that scriptures are in fact good. My testimony of that will not be affected whether missionaries wear bow ties or not.

And do keep coming, whatever you’re looking for. [marijuana dead “gospel doctrine” “pork and beans” fairies chastity]



  1. What a thought provoking post for a Friday morning! Much food for thought. I may have to look up some of these things myself. My curiosity has been piqued!

    Comment by NorahS — September 10, 2010 @ 6:49 am

  2. Need my dose of Keepa every day! BTW I already know why rat does not go in trap. 🙂

    Comment by Dovie — September 10, 2010 @ 6:59 am

  3. Okay, I’ll admit it. The “rayon bloomers” search was mine.

    Comment by Christopher — September 10, 2010 @ 8:00 am

  4. Ardis,

    Thanks for sharing. This was a fun read.

    Why do I keep coming back? Because your posts are full of interesting content and your opinions are well reasoned. Thanks.

    Oh, and John Allred was my mission comp.

    Comment by L-d Sus — September 10, 2010 @ 8:44 am

  5. Fun stuff. For those with inquiring minds, it’s possible to limit Google search results to a single website. Just add to the search box.

    As soon as I get done typing this post, I’m going to do a search for “book of mormon hair styles” Can’t wait to see where that one takes me!

    Oh, and FWIW, count me as one who likes the rant posts just as much as the historical ones.

    Comment by Clark — September 10, 2010 @ 9:02 am

  6. Reading all those search terms was fascinating! (By the way, I’m pretty sure power saws don’t attract flies . . ., but what I want to know more is why that search time took someone to Keepapitchinin!)

    For me, Keepa is like a favorite magazine subscription; I read it regularly because the content is good. Thanks.

    Comment by David Y. — September 10, 2010 @ 9:34 am

  7. My dad used to claim that Gene Autry was LDS. I guess it was one of those faith-promoting rumors of the 1940s like the ones we hear today of celebs who are Mormons. For the record, Gene Autry was not LDS.

    Comment by Steve C. — September 10, 2010 @ 9:45 am

  8. I must admit that I’m tempted to google for “blueberry knuckle pork typewriter pigeon hole” just to mess with your stats.

    Alas: no hits. Now I’m on a quest to see how absurd I might get and still find something.

    Comment by Terceiro — September 10, 2010 @ 9:46 am

  9. I just remembered that I’m supposed to be writing a dissertation and not messing with Ardis’ stats. Sorry.

    But I was pleased to discover that Keepa is the seventh result when searching for “rayon bloomers” today. That’s something.

    Comment by Terceiro — September 10, 2010 @ 9:51 am

  10. Wow! Who would have “thunk” it? My searches are downright dull. I visit Keepa frequently, but not every day and enjoy, and learn from both the history and the rants.

    Comment by Marjorie Conder — September 10, 2010 @ 10:07 am

  11. This is cool. Just for fun, I took a look at some of the same reports at my site. I am surprised how many different ways people spell “Amateur”. I suspect you see the same for “Keepapitchinin”.

    Comment by Bruce Crow — September 10, 2010 @ 10:08 am

  12. Cool work, Ardis. I enjoy checking in every day!

    Comment by Paul — September 10, 2010 @ 10:28 am

  13. Be warned Ardis, after your rant, someone searching for

    Balaam’s ass spoke with the voice of a human

    may very well find themselves visiting Keepa.

    Comment by Paul Reeve — September 10, 2010 @ 10:28 am

  14. I think I might write a guest post with as many absure phrases in it just so that Ardis can get new hits. 🙂

    Comment by Steve C. — September 10, 2010 @ 11:08 am

  15. What a fun post! Just what I needed today. Makes me want to search for something ridiculous just to see if Keepa will come up.

    Comment by Meghan M. — September 10, 2010 @ 12:03 pm

  16. That’s funny, Ardis.

    Several years ago my brother wrote an April Fool’s Day post on his neuropsychology blog with a very official-sounding description of the first brain transplant. I forget if he wrote it in response to people coming to his site after googling “brain transplant” or if he started seeing a spike in that search term after writing the post. Either way, he finally put a disclaimer on the top of the post:

    …the following post is meant to be humorous. Surgeons have not performed and cannot at the present time perform brain transplants.

    Too bad! Sounds like some of these people could use one!

    Comment by Researcher — September 10, 2010 @ 12:33 pm

  17. Every time I look at search terms that brought people to NCT I consider writing a post like this. Sometimes the searches are simply beyond belief, I see you used some restraint in your selections.

    Comment by Jacob J — September 10, 2010 @ 2:33 pm

  18. I have to agree with L-d Sus, “Why do I keep coming back? Because your posts are full of interesting content and your opinions are well reasoned.”

    I don’t remember how I first found you, but I know it wasn’t through an absurd Google search. However, I quickly put you into my favorites and enjoy visiting nearly every day. You’re a great lunchtime companion!

    Comment by charlene — September 10, 2010 @ 2:59 pm

  19. Fascinating. I love Google, and not just because it pays my husband’s salary.

    Comment by Amy — September 10, 2010 @ 3:08 pm

  20. One more comment. I have sent a number of people here to read your dressing the dead post. It is beautiful, and the post and comments are very informative. Where else could you find information like that? Especially when the need for the information tends to come rather unexpectedly in many cases. Thank you, Ardis.

    Comment by Researcher — September 10, 2010 @ 4:17 pm

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