… and still more funnies from the church magazines of 1948:
Sales manager: “Miss Lee, wire Matt Brown that I’ll meet him Friday in Oconomowoc.”
Miss Lee: “Yes, sir. But how do you spell Ocon – that town?”
S.M.: “Good gracious! Don’t tell me you can’t spell such a simple name. it’s capital O-c-o- — Capital O-c-k – Tell him I’ll meet him in St. Paul.”
The absent-minded prof drove up to his garage, looked inside, blinked, and then leaped to his car and sped to the police station.
“Officer!” he cried, “my car’s been stolen!”
Professor: “In what way were the citizens of Rome particularly remarkable?
Sophomore: “They all spoke Latin.”
“Mom, can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?”
“Shame on you! The idea of wanting to go to the zoo to see monkeys when your Aunt Erma is here.”
Guide: “This castle has stood for 300 years. Not a stone has been touched, nothing altered, nothing repaired or replaced.”
Tourist: “They must have the same kind of landlord we’ve got!”
“A yard of pork, please,” said the witty woman to the meatman. And the meatman forthwith proceeded to wrap up for her three pig’s feet.
He: “Since I met you, I can’t sleep, eat, or drink.”
She: “Why not?”
He: “I’m broke.”
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who was terribly fond of gherkins,
Against all advice
She ate so much spice,
That it ruined her internal workin’s.
A young fellow called at the big business house to apply for a job that he had seen advertised.
“But my dear man,” said the manager, “you are much too late! Why, I’ve had over a thousand applications already!”
The youngster looked thoughtful. “Well,” he said, after a while “how about employing me to classify the applications?”
A landlord was showing a modernistic apartment to a prospective renter, who felt rather jocular.
Prospect: “Why, this isn’t very large. It’s scarcely big enough to swing a cat around.”
Landlord: “Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to change your hobby.”
Cynthia, that old fountainhead of wisdom, says, “In ever so many cases, it’s with an itching palm that a person slaps you on the back.”
Customer: “What do you do when someone forgets his change?”
Cashier, “Why, I rap on the window with a dollar bill.”
Boy Friend: “Darling, you are the eighth wonder of the world.”
Girl Friend: “Fine, but don’t let me catch you out with any of the other seven.”
One last prescription – take a bath before you retire.”
“I’m retiring in twenty years, Doc, but I’ll try to remember your advice.”
Patient: “How can I ever repay you for your kindness to me?”
Doctor: “By check, money order, or cash.”
The new secretary was on the carpet. “Miss Brown,” said the boss, “you’re very attractive.”
“Really?” blushed the typist.
“Yes. You dress well, your voice is modulated, your deportment is beyond criticism.”
“You really shouldn’t pay me so many compliments,” she said.
“Oh, that’s all right. I just wanted to put you in a cheerful mood before taking up the matter of punctuation and spelling.”
“Lay down, pup. Lay down. That’s a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you!”
“Mister, you have to say, ‘Lie down.’ He’s a Boston terrier.”
First Bride: “Yes, sir, I’ve got my husband where he eats out of my hand.”
Second Bride: “Saves a lot of dishwashing, doesn’t it?”
A business executive was reading his paper in the evening while his wife knitted. “You might read to me while I knit,” she said.
“Why don’t you knit to me while I read?” he suggested.
“I had a fall last night, and remain unconscious for nearly eight hours.”
“Good gracious! And walking around as usual today?”
“Yes, it didn’t injure me in the least; fact is, I rather enjoyed it.”
“Strange! how did you fall?”
“Do you make life-size enlargements from snapshots?” asked the demure girl.
“Certainly, Miss,”: said the photographer. “that’s our specialty.”
“Well,” said the girl, “see what you can do with this picture of the Grand Canyon.”
Little Eddie was almost through his nightly prayer. “Bless my papa, bless my mama, bless Aunt Jenny, and please make Ogden the capital of Utah. Amen,” he concluded.
“Why, Eddie!” exclaimed his mother, deeply shocked. “Why on earth did you say such a thing?”
“Because,” explained Eddie, snuggling down under his blanket, “I put that on my examination paper today.”